older cock has ruined me, now i can’t stop cheating on my boyfriend

my boyfriend is so sweet but it makes me so wet when older men make me feel icky

i was first introduced to sex as a young girl. it all started with my dad when i was 10 years old. he used to touch and fondle me whenever he pleased, even if we were in public. it makes me wet thinking about how he would just grope me and pin me down to show me how much stronger and bigger he was. i remember the night he decided to finally fuck me. we were alone to the house and i remember hanging out with him in his room. i was only wearing my panties and one of his shirts, and i started to feel tired so i tried to take a nap. i guess he thought it was asleep though, because within minutes he got up from his chair and i remember hearing a wet and sticky noise. i was too scared to open my eyes but i knew he was jerking off. he was so close i could feel the warmth coming off of his body. he didn’t cum on me, though when i look back at the memory to masturbate i like to imagine that he wanted to finish on my face. after touching himself for a bit, i felt his hands reach down to my breasts. it was so hard to pretend i was asleep, i couldn’t help but squirm it felt so good. he played with my nipples for a good amount of time. i remember squeezing my thighs a lot together because i was so aroused, i never knew my body could feel like that. but im glad my face was in the pillow, he couldn’t see me cry. i was crying because while he was making me so wet, all i could think about was mommy, i felt so ashamed and dirty. but i guess it didn’t matter. after he was done playing with my breasts, his fingers traced down my back, down to my panties. he began to pull on them, making my pussy feel weird. then i froze, because i could feel him gently trying to pull them down. and i felt my hips lift ever so slightly. i felt so stupid for giving myself away, but he was just making me feel so good it just happened. suddenly he was putting all of his weight on top of me and shushing me, and i remember he gave me a kiss on my neck, it tickled. having him kiss me so lovingly made me feel nauseous. and that nausea only made me more wet. it hurt at first, but ive learned to love pain. it was a sharp pain, i guess he couldn’t hold back anymore and just started bullying into me. he was huge and i remember crying and spacing out on the pillow as he fucked me. then his breathing became more erratic, and i just kept crying “no”. feeling his cum squirt inside of me was unreal, a feeling ive been chasing ever since. he wasnt done with me though, he roughly flipped me onto my back and folded me like a pretzel. he drilled into me and i just kept crying. he started to play with my little clit too. i remember my vision was blurry and my throat was sore from all of the tears, id like to think it only enhanced by first orgasm. and thats one of many to play with me when i was a little girl.

that happened a while ago, im in college now and i just found a new boyfriend. hes so sweet and dreamy, i love him so much. the only issue is that he’s never been able to make me cum, he cant even call me a whore even if i ask for it. so ive slipped back into old habits and ive been getting off with degenerate old men on the internet. ive been told rape threats, death threats, a little bit of both. ive made myself cum to every single message. ive become a massive masochist and painslut. and i love the way men force me to do icky things just to make them happy. one of my biggest fantasies right now is to meet up with one of these perverts. i want them to treat me all sweet and nice at first, only to take my body and force me to do all the disgusting things they want. but the thing that would really turn me on? if they knew about how my daddy and other older men used to play with me as a girl. i want to be forced back into that headspace and be made to recreate all my repressed memories with them.

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