Systematic Desensitization (2/2)

A girl is recovering from childhood sexual abuse. The flashbacks can be harsh. Part 2/2.

Day 15.

Still no new instructions. I am starting to get this systematic desensitization thing. Always one small step at a time, then pause to get fully used to it. Makes sense.

I now look at my pussy in the shower. It took a few tries, but now it’s not a big deal. It’s just a body part, and it’s pretty nice, by the way. I even dared to shave it (you might guess that in my condition I never trimmed my bush), and had a panic attack at the sight of my bald pubis – it reminded me too much of the one I had when they started raping me. But I breathed, relaxed, and recovered.

And today… today I dared to rub and finger myself! For the first time after all these years, and for the first time ever of my own free will! And… the first orgasm brought a deep wave of shame, but the second was easier, and the third even easier…

Dear diary, I’m writing these lines while rubbing myself under the table. And it feels… ooohhh… wonderful!

***

Day 16.

New instructions. Two sets this time.

First, I should buy sportswear and swimsuits that leave my waist and stomach open. And second… the app suggested that I could try looking at male erotica! Not porn yet (that was clear), but pictures of naked men!

The first one was easier. I ordered some tank tops and shorts for my yoga. Then I found the most modest and covering two-piece swimsuit, almost the kind the youngest teens are allowed to wear. It was still a huge leap from my usual closed swimsuits. Then, on impulse, I added the usual regular bikini, and then, blushing and shuddering, I found the most revealing thing the store had to offer – basically just a few strings and tiny triangular scraps of fabric. I clicked “Confirm Order” before changing my mind. Oh God, what am I doing?

Second set. Okay, photos of naked men… I opened an erotic site. Men looked scary without their clothes on. Naked women are beautiful, but naked men – intimidating. But I scrolled through the photo gallery, page after page. At one point I stopped to take a closer look at a picture that caught my attention. A naked man. Long limbs, chiseled muscles. Small nipples, flat stomach. Large, flaccid penis. His private hair neatly trimmed, balls hanging low. The caption read “Stretching before a run”. Um… only then did I realize that I had been staring at him for a full five minutes, fondling my pussy through my shorts. Um… so men can be arousing?

I masturbated before I fell asleep.

***

Day 18.

My order arrived today. Yoga clothes first. I put them on – wow! I felt so naked! Tight shorts and a tank top left my navel, stomach and sides exposed! But… it actually felt exciting! I rolled around the apartment, waving my arms and legs, laughing and dancing! I’m not sure if I would dare go to yoga class like that, but I’ll definitely change at home.

Then I spread out three swimsuits in front of me. The most revealing one… um… the package had a picture of the model wearing it, and it took some effort to see that she wasn’t completely naked. I imagined myself wearing it and shuddered. No, not yet. Probably never. The others… I tried them on. The regular bikini – yes, I could handle it… at home for now. It even turned me on a little. The most modest one… I changed and looked at myself in the mirror. Okay, I’ll try it next time at the pool.

I could not believe how easy it was for me to accept being more and more exposed. The app was right. I am making progress!

***

Day 20.

Still no new instructions. I was a little unsure about going to yoga and swimming in my new suits, but no one really noticed, just a few friends gave me a thumbs up. Like I said, some girls here and there are wearing much more revealing outfits. But I blushed anyway. I could not control myself, and every time I passed someone in similar clothes, I looked at them closely to see how much skin they were showing… and realized that I was showing more skin than some of them were! It gave me an unexpected pleasant shiver.

I practiced self-fingering every day and it became easier and easier for me to bring myself to orgasm. And now I’m doing it with photos from erotic sites! The naked men with erect penises no longer look intimidating to me. On the contrary, they turn me on and I get stronger and longer orgasms!

And now I’m only wearing my regular bikini at home! Me, who just three weeks ago could not get out of my long robe and socks!

***

Day 21.

New questionnaire, new instructions. The app is apparently adapting to my rate of progress, as there are now three sets.

The first two… Buy a vibrator and learn how to use it… Find the softest and most sensual porn videos (the app calls them “Porn for Women”) and start masturbating to them… Okay, no problem. I thought of that myself.

The third… Come to the beach and wear my bikini… Okay. I bought the bikini because I liked it and wanted it, right? And I practiced in it at home… I think I can go to the pool and the beach in it.

I ordered the vibrator. It will arrive tomorrow.

***

Day 22.

The vibrator arrived, a nice long one with a bullet-shaped end, it’s so smooth and nice to touch, and at maximum power it tickles even the hand I’m holding it with. I stripped naked (did I? Oh God, when did I get so open?), sat in the chair and found the porn site with the videos I needed.

I started the first one with the guy whose body I liked. It was exactly as promised, showing the long, sensual and increasingly teasing prelude that made me hot. Then, when the man penetrated the woman with his long dick, I penetrated myself with the vibrator and turned it to maximum power. And her loud moans mixed with mine. Wow! I came in less than a minute, but the video was not over. And it continued with multiple orgasms from the couple, followed by mine. I spent the whole evening watching and masturbating, and fell exhausted on my bed…

***

Day 23.

I wore my regular bikini to the pool. No panic attacks, I managed to relax and people hardly noticed me. Of course, there were other girls in similar bikinis. Well, some are wearing thongs, and that’s okay too! Time to go to the beach. Maybe tomorrow.

At home I sat naked to masturbate to the porn again, already wet from the anticipation.

Well… Bad case. I mixed up the videos and suddenly found myself watching an intense gangbang. The girl was obviously happy with it, but I was hit by another flashback.

It was a year after James had started fucking me. He’d added anal to the oral and vaginal months before, and I’d learned to put up with it, too. Worse, he obviously didn’t care about keeping his mouth shut, and soon the whole neighborhood knew I was available. And some of the men and boys took advantage of me, and I gave up resisting completely. God, I felt so dirty, and violated, and used, and helpless, and full of shame because my body kept responding to their fucking, even anal, with orgasms…

I was at school that day, running to the locker room after gym class. The classes were safe, the teachers were watching us all, but the boys got excited when they saw us in the leotards, and they tried to grab us somewhere and push us down, all of us girls, not just me. So we moved between the lockers and the gym in tight groups. And this time I got lazy and fell behind, so I ran alone, just hoping that no one would catch me.

Of course, I was hoping wrong. The older boys caught me and dragged me into their locker room. Maybe it was just for a touch, but as soon as they recognized me, they were all like: “Ha! It’s Lola! It’s our lucky day, guys, she’s giving it to everyone!” and they laughed.

They quickly pulled off my leotard and panties and pinned me to the mat in the corner. I did not even cry or try to break free, I had learned throughout the year that it was useless. I just gritted my teeth and waited for it to be over.

The first boy quickly thrust his cock into me, grunting and moaning. Others crowded around us to watch, pushing each other and whispering, touching each other through their pants. As soon as he finished pouring hot liquid into my insides, another guy jumped on top of me and drove his cock into me, thrusting harder and deeper with each thrust. When he finished, a third climbed on top of me and I groaned in pain – he was the biggest I’ve ever seen and I struggled to fit him in. But he found that my pussy was already too full of cum, so he pulled away and shoved him into my ass. I screamed and began to cry, but he forced himself into me anyway, and my well-stretched anus let him in. After a dozen thrusts I felt that my bowels were also filled with his cum and he finally let me go.

Another boy grabbed my head and thrust his cock into my mouth. And all the others gathered behind me and fought over who got to fuck me first, and I heard one say, “Why can’t we all fit in?” And they got me split-roasted, sometimes double-penetrated, sometimes triple-penetrated. I just let them twist, and turn, and bend, and push me as they pleased. And… and, damn it, I still had orgasms!

There were about two dozen of them, all young and full of unused sperm. By the time they finally left me, my holes were sore from the constant stretching. I was covered in sweat, sperm dripping out of me, and my tears had dried up. I was lying motionless, trying to recover, when they put me on my feet, shoved my leotard into my hands, and pushed me in the direction of the girls’ locker room. I don’t remember walking there naked, showering and getting dressed. The room was empty, all the girls had gone before me. I took my bag and went to the next class.

I never told anyone about this incident, but the boys obviously did, because this was only the first of my many school gangbangs…

Flashback over. I found myself curled up in a ball, shivering in my chair in front of the computer in sleep mode.

I sobbed. Then… then I did what surprised me.

I turned on the computer, found another gangbang video – about an hour long, titled “Hundred Men for One Girl” – grinned viciously, started the video and turned on my vibrator. An hour later, when the girl on the screen finished screaming in endless orgasms, I was still close to my last, strongest one. Only then did I turn everything off and fall onto the bed, feeling exhausted, both holes stretched and aching, my throat sore from screaming, but also strangely relieved and free. I was no longer repulsed by sex.

***

Day 24.

I went to the beach. I hesitated between the two choices of going early, when there were few people, or later, when there were crowds. More people meant more stares, conversations and possible touches, but I would also be less conspicuous among them. So I took my bikini, threw on the string thing, and headed for the crowd.

And… it wasn’t scary at all. I sunbathed and swam in my bikini and smiled at people and was smiled at. Why had I never dared to go to the beach before? I sighed. Well, I knew why, even though those old feelings were so dim now.

Then I saw three tanned girls playing ball. They were wearing the same almost non-existent swimsuits as mine! I smiled mischievously and quickly changed, not bothering to go to the changing cubicle. Slightly blushing, I approached them and asked if I could join in. They smiled and included me. We played for an hour, talking, laughing and enjoying ourselves, attracting admiring glances from both men and women. And… I enjoyed it! I felt good!

After the game, we lay down on the sand together and after talking for a while, one of them casually asked:

“Hey, Lola! I’m tired of these clothes. Do you want to go with us? The nudist section is nearby!”

Me at the NUDIST beach? In PUBLIC?! NAKED?! I looked at myself and laughed. Really, the difference was almost negligible.

So we took off our microkinis (I don’t think anyone would notice unless they were really close), grabbed our stuff and walked along the shore to the nudist section.

It was very cozy, just like the clothed beach, except everyone was naked. We played volleyball with some other nudists, men and women, and sunbathed and ate sandwiches together. I talked and laughed and joked with people just as easily as before, even though I was completely naked. Wow! What a breakthrough!

At one point, one of my new friends, Martha, leaned over and ran her fingers up my thigh to my pussy. I looked at her in amazement and she just smiled mischievously. One thing led to another, and soon all four of us were entwined together, kissing, licking and probing each other in the most sensitive places. Some others joined us, men and women, then Martha put me on my knees and I found myself sucking a stranger’s cock for the first time of my free will! And I swallowed his cum and licked my lips happily! Wow! Who would have thought?

We stayed at the nudist beach until sunset. We had some more nice group sex (I gave them all my holes and enjoyed it immensely), swam, ate, and when it was time to go, we reluctantly dressed up, exchanged contacts and went our separate ways.

At home, I threw the swimsuits in the dirty laundry, took a shower, and grabbed my home clothes. Then, laughing, I put them aside. Home clothes? After spending half the day naked, among strangers, having all kinds of sex with them? The best home clothes are no clothes!

I slept naked and happy.

***

Day 25.

The app gave me new instructions, something about trying to find a nice partner for a careful approach to sex. I remembered yesterday’s events, laughed and dismissed the suggestions. It seems I’ve recovered ahead of schedule!

Technically, I was still in the trial period, but I found a way to donate the authors, and I did, with the five-star grateful feedback, then I’ve deleted the app.

Then I reread you, my diary, and I realized. It was really on the surface all along, I just couldn’t look in that direction.

Damn you, James. Damn you, Dad. Damn you all. You could have all the sex you wanted, with me eagerly participating with all my will, you bastards. If only you had come to me with love, teasing and seduction instead of abuse and coercion! You did not really want sex, you wanted my fear, pain and humiliation! I gritted my teeth, then breathed and relaxed. Sex was just a tool to you! You assholes. Fuck you! I hope you rot in hell!

I breathed again. Hmmm… I feel better. Good.

I smiled mischievously. Well, my diary, what shall we do now? Maybe we should put the whole story online? Just write the last line the way it ended. Hmm… But it would be good to spice it up a bit and make it more fun.

My phone buzzed with a new message. Martha and the girls were going to a nearby swinger club for the big sex night party, and asked me if I’d like to join them. I imagined the picture. Me, dancing naked, drinking with strangers, fucking everyone and letting them fuck me, all night long… Wheee!

I replied “I AGREE!!!” and grabbed my vibrator. I had plenty of time to get in the mood.

Bye, diary, and thanks for keeping me company this month. It was priceless.

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