some dirty little secrets

a teenaged girl shares some dirty secrets about her life

sometimes i just wanted to be alone. when i was eleven i started keeping a diary. i think it was because i started having feelings about things i still don’t understand. i started watching porn when i twelve years old. i was in sixth grade. i lived with my mom. she worked a lot so i was often home alone and on my laptop. i went to a private all-girls school. i had a scholarship. i didn’t have a lot of friends. we lived in the city on the ground floor of a two-story brick house. my aunt lived upstairs. i usually walked home after school, sometimes stopping at starbucks. when i was thirteen, in seventh grade, i found an adult chat room. i lied about my age and said i was eighteen. i still go there sometimes even though i’m nineteen now. i go to chat rooms with names like “sugar daddies” and “throat fuck” and “shaved and slutty” and “likes it rough.” watching porn and talking to men in those chat rooms were outlets for me. i wanted sex, i wanted to be with all the men who wanted me, i wanted to do the things i saw in the porn videos or talked about in the chat rooms. the summer before eighth grade i met an older man and let him touch me, finger me, and i gave him a blow job. this was my first real sex with a man. i met him a few more times when i was in eighth grade to do that, suck his cock, before i moved to new york. there were other things i did when i was in eighth grade, all of them leaving a mark on me. i went to a party right after christmas in 2018, i was fourteen by then, and an older high school guy was the first man to fuck me. after that, i spent a lot of time with him and his friends all through eighth grade doing a lot of things they wanted. in the spring, i replied to an ad for a model. i lied about my age and met a man at a hotel after school one afternoon. he was probably fifty years old but he didn’t care that i was only fourteen. he had sex with me wearing my school uniform, a white blouse and blue plaid wrap skirt. a week before i moved to new york a man raped me when i was home alone. i’ve written about that. right after i moved to new york, my first year in high school, i started working as a waitress and then started seeing a generous, married man for sex. i saw him often during that first year, it was the pandemic, and he eventually arranged for me to have sex with other men he knew. sometimes he paid me to meet them. by my sophomore year, i was seeing five or six men and also sometimes hooking up with other men those men sometimes introduced me to and other men i met on my own when i was working as a waitress at a sports bar. by my senior year in high school i lost track of how many men i had been with. most men didn’t wear condoms and they never wore them for blow jobs. i worked my first party-type gig a few weeks before i turned eighteen. it was the hostess for a fantasy football draft and served eight men. i’ll let you decide what “served” means. all the men at that party, at one time or another, contacted me afterwards for something they wanted. all these men also discreetly shared my name with friends. i learned that when you’re a “good” high school girl you don’t need to advertise. before i left for college, two of these men took me to a resort casino hotel for two nights where two of their friends joined us. i stripped for them friday night before the four men gang banged me. i never had double penetration before that friday night. the four men had free use of me until we checked-out on sunday. at different times saturday night, two men i didn’t know at all were brought to the room for a 2-on-1 encounter with me and later, around 3 in the morning, when i was half asleep and still a little drunk, an older man i didn’t know had sex with me. a few hours later, one of the men got me up out of bed and brought me into the bathroom where he urinated in my mouth before he made me blow him. this weekend was my last romantic adventure before i left for college.

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