Knowitall Nadine’s Halloween

It might sound weird to you, especially if you’re raised Christian, but I didn’t get “The Talk” from my mom, I got it from my Aunts. #Slow #LifeStory

First, I have to say that my dad is a bit of a Black Sheep. He went to college, and became an Architect. So, he stayed in the big city where all the big buildings were, but he grew up on a farm. Mom grew up Quaker, like the oats man. So, she had a lot of weird superstitious ideas until dad explained the truth to her, but she still didn’t like to talk about sex.

That’s a Quaker thing, mothers don’t even like to admit they ever had sex, in spite of having children. So, they make up all these stories about storks, cabbage patches, birds and bees to avoid the whole conversation. Like Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny, we’re Atheists, so we don’t celebrate Christmas, and Easter, either.

I only mention this, because the Evangelicals took over the whole school board, it seems. So, they changed it so they couldn’t teach Sex Ed in school, “Abstinence Only,” before Besty Devos became the Secretary of Education, and made that national law. “Before it was cool,” if they were trendy hipsters, instead of old fashioned Christians that read the bill of rights like they read the Bible.

Just the good parts, they skip right past “Congress shall pass no law respecting an Institute of Religion” to Freedom of Religion. Which means they get to teach prayer in schools, and Muslims are evil, but Christians are good. I’m only saying this to point out why my family is weird. Because we know the truth, even in this bible thumping baptist city. The very buckle of the bible belt, where it crosses Tornado Alley, and they can blame the Wrath of God on the homos.

So that’s all the Politics out of the way, and I can get on with the good stuff. You still reading? Good.

;

Nadine (g… ms fs Group Voyeur)

The first thing I learned was there are homosexuals. Everywhere, even out in the country, but I liked it better out there, too. They didn’t do it right out in front of the kids like animals, but they had goats, chickens, cats, and dogs.

So, when one of them went into heat, and another tried to mount her, I remember pointing, and asking “What’s he doing?”

“Mahahahah!” She was a goat, so she said “Mahahaha!” Just like she did for food, or when you startled them, because that’s the only word goats know.

So, my cousins took me to my aunts, who told me where kids come from. Lucky it was goats, because little goats are called kids too, but that goes for people, dogs, cats, and everyone but chickens, I guess. You know all this stuff, of course. This is a sex site, but I must have been really young, since I didn’t know that already.

Then, I got back to school that fall, and I heard all the silly rumors going around the girl’s room. I went to school in the city, but the boys were still making forts, and kicking you out so you couldn’t play. “No Girls Allowed,” but the point is, most of the girls my age were Christian, and ignorant. So, I had to tell them the truth about sex, what goes where, and how you get pregnant. I even had to tell them what breasts were for.

Some of them, at least the ones that didn’t have little brothers, and sisters for their mommys to feed. None of us were even close to growing them, but after school, we played with baby dolls. The ones with holes in the mouth, and diaper so you could feed them with a bottle, then change their diapers when they were wet?

Yeah, well we took off our tops to hold them to our nipples, and show the girls that didn’t know the right way to feed babies, because the dolls came with bottles. And diapers, that became the best way to play mommies, because we didn’t have any milk. So, the babies didn’t wet their diapers for you to change, and wash them before the milk spoiled, and got stinky.

We had cow’s milk at home, because that’s all they sold in the supermarket, but they had goats milk out in the country, because they had goats, but no big animals like cows, and horses. Pigs too, I guess they were the biggest animals on our farm, but they were like nature’s garbage disposals. So, I stayed away from them, because they’re stinky.

I guess I got used to the “Fresh Air,” because the smells didn’t really bother me, unless I stepped in doggy doo, or got too close to the pigs. The chicken coop was pretty bad too, especially on summer when I spent most of my time out in the country. I had school the rest of the year, so we only went out to visit our family for holidays like Thanksgiving. All of Christmas break too, but oh yeah.

I forgot to tell you what I learned about homosexuals. I don’t really remember how, but then I heard some of the big boys at school calling another boy “Homo,” and telling him “That’s gay.” It turns out he got caught playing with himself, but I stood up for him.

“Nuh uh, everybody does it. Gay or straight, so masturbating doesn’t make you gay.”

“What do you know?” They pushed me down, and left me alone with Jake. They started calling him “Jackoff Jake” after that for a little while. Until they got bored, and found someone else to bully. I hoped that he was going to be my first boyfriend, since he was getting boners, and playing with himself. That’s a good sign that he might be ready to start dating, but it turns out the bullies got 1 thing right.

He was a homo, so he got a boner wrestling with the big boys. The bullies, because they’re older. So, that made them big, and strong. Everything he wanted in a man, even though they were bullies. He knew that they would wrestle him, because it was an easy win, but he didn’t care about losing. So, I took him home, and ask my dad if he could stay the weekend.

So, I could take him out to the farm to meet my gay cousins, and their boyfriends. As proud as I was about all I knew, for a 4th grader. I knew that homosexual boys were a bit of a blind spot. My daddy rose me right, so if I don’t know what I’m talking about. I go ask somebody that knows more about it, instead of making things up, to try to sound smart.

So, a long story short (Since I have my whole life story to tell) that’s how I found out about the circle jerks, on the farm. It was just for gay, bisexual, and bi-curious boys, so of course it was No Girls Allowed. There was nothing for us girls to do, but Jacob told me about it later. They did it every night, up in the boy’s loft, in the old barn.

They built a new barn, years ago, and put a cross up on the roof to call it a “Chapel.” Back before I was born, but the bright idea was they could stop going to church, so the neighbors wouldn’t think we’re weird. So, they built a barn on our land, and made it look like a chapel. It’s really just a barn, but that ment they could clean the old one out, and turn it into a guest house.

It had 2 haylofts, one on either side, so they put up stairs, and rails so you didn’t fall off. There was a boy’s side, and a girl side, but it was empty unless we had a bunch of family over for a special occasion. He got to play with them on Friday night, but then he told me he could only watch on Saturday night, because he was still shooting blanks.

The rule is whoever cums first gets it all. Instead of cumming on a cookie or whatever, the first one that cums gets all the cum, which just encourages premature ejaculation. You had to be ejaculating to play, but if you’re still shooting blanks, you could still watch the big boys do it.

I even grabbed some bird watching binoculars, to watch from the girl’s side, and that was the first dirty thrill I ever got. Because I thought I wasn’t supposed to, but then the gay girls came up, and asked me. “What do you want to watch that for?”

“You know what they’re doing over there?” I asked.

“Of course,” they were my cousins, so they lived there, and had their own party in the old barn, when it wasn’t being used as a guest house. I thought me, and Jacob were the only 2 guest, until the gay girls invited their girlfriends over to have sex. That’s how I found out which ones were lesbians, and which neighbors were at least a little bicurious.

I also found out something about myself: I’m straight, 100% completely heterosexual, before I even started getting horny. I just wanted to watch, but once the girls popped open the toybox, their oohs, and ahhs were so loud it got distracting. So, I turned around, and put the binoculars down to watch.

Big deal, naked ladies. Because my family didn’t lie to us kids about sex, casual nudity was just a part of that. Which isn’t to say that we’re nudists, or anything, but we had a fish tank we could go skinny dipping in. Not an aquarium, a stock tank where we could breed catfish, and trout to eat. So, the boys could fish year round until it froze over in the winter. (Then they could play hockey, and the girls put on figure skates to skate around on it.)

I was just curious about sex, period. Regular normal boy-girl sex, but I never masturbated, and that’s most of what the big girls were doing. There was also a lot of kissing, mouth to mouth, and in between their legs, but there were plenty of sex toys to go around. So, they masturbated themselves, and each other. They even had strapons for the butches that wanted to play the boy.

I tried it, I found a little dildo in the bottom of the toy box. It was a pretty big foot locker to fit them all in, but even the littlest one was too small to go in easy. I tried sucking it to get it wet, but it still took a long time to loosen up, and I stopped as soon as I felt my hymen. I was still a virgin, and I decided to keep it that way, just in case I fell in love with a Christian boy, and we got married before I got a chance to convert him over to Atheism.

Also, I knew that it would hurt, and it was already uncomfortable enough, but I just closed my eyes, and tried to think of a realistic scenario. That’s why I imagined a Christian boy. Most of the boys I knew where Christian, and the other ones were most likely related to me. I’m sure there were other closet atheists around, but even my own family put a cross up on the barn to hide the fact that we weren’t.

Look, they could have burned the whole farm down if they even suspected we’re atheists. Out in the country, we’re talking about that kind of Christian, that thought that Atheism was as bad as Witchraft, and Satanism. They even burned down the Spanish Catholic church for not being the right Kind of Christian, and doing services in Spanish.

I think, that was also during that whole Immigration “Crisis” and they fired all the Migrant workers, so the only place they had for sanctuary was the Mission Church. That didn’t happen until the president called a State of Emergency so he could make the Senate approve his stupid Wall, and he could embezzle from the construction project, because that’s what he did. His whole career was buying, and selling New York Real Estate, to embezzle from the concrete, and then declare bankruptcy when his Jersey Casino failed before it even opened up, for example.

Sorry, that’s politics, and this was years before he even ran for president, so it doesn’t have any bearing on this story. It’s just so important, it’s hard for me to forget. That’s the enemy I’m talking about right there. He might as well be a golden calf. Nobody would even notice if he was, if he can order his minions to take over the capitol, murder the vice president, and the speaker of the house so he can’t be deposed, just because he lost an election…

I’ll stop.

;

Nadine (mG)

I didn’t get my first boyfriend until after I started puberty, but the girls let me “Borrow” the dildo, and take it home. I just never took it back, but they didn’t care because it was the littlest one. So, it barely got used at all, except to loosen a girl for her girlfriend to fuck her with something bigger, or fist her. I sure learned a lot hanging out in the girl’s loft, when I got the chance.

For one thing, a big advantage of being homos is they can get away with Incest. In my family, it’s not Incest that’s forbidden, it’s Inbreeding. There’s so many Mennonites, and Amish around there that you just have to look at them to see the birth defects they got from inbreeding. That’s why there’s so many chinless women with big noses, or being chinless makes them look like big nosed witches.

Either or, it’s ironic that they’d burn you at the stake for witchcraft, if they caught you kissing another girl, but they look like witches from marrying too close to their family. It’s not really incest, it’s just being so closely related to everyone you know, because they don’t let outsiders in, and the only chance you get to meet a boy that’s safe to marry is Rumspringa, when girls are more likely to stay out in the world then come back with new blood. (If they don’t look too Amish, or find a boy that doesn’t mind them having that Mennonite look.)

So, then I took my dildo over to a friend’s house, for Halloween. Her big brother caught us playing with it in my pants. We were all laughing really loudly, because I decided to play a flasher, for Halloween. I know, it’s Pagan, and I’m not Pagan either, but the Christian girls thought it was a Christian holiday too. Because of Cultural Appropriation, but you don’t want to read about that.

So, I got a spy vs spy hat, and trench coat. One of the girls said “You should put on a neckbeard,” and the other girls thought that was such a good idea, they got out a brown marker so they could draw one on my face. “There.”

“How do I look?” I grabbed a mirror, then I realized I looked “Amish, gimme that.” I grabbed the marker, and drew a mustache on, then joined it around the side so it looked more like a goatee with sideburns.

“Now it’s not a neckbeard?”

“I’m not a neckbeard. Well, actually.” I laughed, and they all LOLed with me. “I’m a PERVERT!” The squealed, and ran out of their room (They’re sisters) so i chased them down the hall, and down the stairs.

“Help, help me!” The youngest hid behind her big brother, “The pervert’s going to get me!”

I pulled the coat shut as soon as I saw him, and tried to slink off. Like a pervert, caught with a boner in his pants, because that was the scariest thing we could think of. Okay, she was going as Little Red Riding Hood, and her big sister was a “Naughty” schoolgirl. Which just means a slutty schoolgirl, dressed up in a Catholic uniform (Even though they’re Presbyterians) 2 sizes too small. So, the blouse was too tight around her bra, and unbuttoned so you could see it. Tied up around her waist, and the skirt was so tight, she had to wear it up over her hips. Which made it so short that it barely covered her Halloween panties, which where black with pumpkins, and candy corn printed all over them.

One of those weird things, Christians do, then act like I’m weird for not doing them? Dressing, and acting like a “Slut” just because I like boys, and then they go an dress up super slutty for Halloween. Sorry, “Naughty.”

So then, Noah caught up with me down in the basement, because it was a split level, and I couldn’t run back up the stairs. I slunk off down the stairs, to get away from him. Meanwhile, his little sisters ran back up the stairs to finish their costumes in their room.

He guessed “Stranger Danger?”

“I don’t know, just your plain old garden variety child molester.”

“Why would a girl dress up as a child molester for Halloween?”

“Because it’s creepy, and scary, and nobody else thought of it? It’s unique, you have to give me that.”

“Well, okay. I guess but you’re not really molesting Melanie (That’s his youngest sister,) or trying to lure Megan (The middle child) into any sick sexual games?”

“No? It wouldn’t be sick sexual games even if she were bi-curious, which she isn’t, and me neither. You guys are so messed up by your stupid church, and it’s stupid ideas about sex that you’re going to be a virgin until you’re.”

“I’m not a virgin.” He shook his head.

“You’re not?”

“No, of course not. I’m 16, and even if I am Christian, it doesn’t mean I can’t have sex. You know the legal age of consent is 16, whether you’re Christian, or not.” Also, technically if he’s not more than 5 years older, so let’s just say I already turned 11, okay?

I laughed, “Well, I didn’t know that Presbyterians were cool with pre-marital sex.”

“I don’t know if I’m what you would call a Presbyterian, but just because I was raised a Christian doesn’t mean they expect me to be a good Christian, all the time.”

“Who’s they, your priests?”

“No, he doesn’t know about it, because he doesn’t have to.” He made excuses, like “We’re not Catholic, so we don’t have confession.”

“Then who did you tell, your sisters?”

“No, they’re not old enough, but my mom, and dad caught me sneaking back in, and when I lied about who I was out with, they threatened to ground me until I told them the truth. Then, mom called her mom, so she can’t go out with me any more, but dad told me all I had to do was ask forgiveness. That’s what Jesus, and Christianity is about, I don’t know what your atheist, and satanist friends told you.”

“I don’t have satanist friends.”

“Well, what about Damian?”

“He’s not a Satanist, and he’s not my friend, he’s my brother’s friend. Kinda. Just because he likes metal music doesn’t mean that he worships the devil, and eats babies.” AFAIK, he was in middle school at the time, so he went through a phase. Maybe it was a Satanist phase, I don’t know, like I said he was my brother’s friend. Mot mine, but if he was a girl, maybe it would have been Goth, or Wiccan instead of Black Metal.

“Well,” he laughed, “I didn’t say anything about eating babies.”

“I know but that’s the stereotype, right?”

“Yeah, maybe if you talk to fanatics, but we’re not like that.”

“Even if you aren’t.” Quote, “Like that,” /quote, “You still believe in stupid bullshit stories about heaven, and hell, talking snakes, and women turning into pillars of salt, right?”

“Well, I don’t know. Actually, now that you mention it, it has been starting to sound a little silly. After all that talk about Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny. The Tooth Fairy…”

So, I finally found a Christian boy to talk to, about this stuff. Plenty of Christian girls, like Mel, and Megan, but never any boys. Let alone a teenage boy, that was old enough to drive. If only his parents hadn’t taken the car for the night, but then the girls finished up their hair, and makeup. So, they came down looking for us, and we had to go out Trick or Treating.

Well, we didn’t have to, but that was the plan, and I spent the whole night talking to Noah. I’m just going to skip past the whole sociopolitical lecture on the separation of church and state because I’m sure that Social Justice is a turnoff for most of you guys, but SJWs like to fuck, too.

We couldn’t fuck on the first date, because he didn’t have any rubbers, and I wasn’t on birth control yet, but a nice thing about Christian boys that’re losing their faith is, they’re usually led astray by the promise of premarital sex. Like Noah was, for example.

So, after we walked the girls home, he invited me to go out to the graveyard. “What for?”

“To watch the dead not rise from the graves to dance at midnight?” As good an excuse as any, but it was Halloween. Late October/Early December, so it got a little chilly for Megan to stay out dressed like that. I had on a trench coat, a teeshirt (No logo) pants, boots, a hat, and dildo. That swinging around in my jock strap was a real big turnon, but if he spotted it in the shadows of my (All black) costume, he didn’t say anything.

He didn’t dress up, he just chaperoned, because their parents were gone for some Prayer Meeting. It turns out that was a tradition on Halloween to pray for everyone at their church. So, they stayed out past midnight, but he said something about “Molesting a child molester.” Then, he grabbed me under the trenchcoat, so I laughed, and ran through the dark.

He let me get away, so I hopped the fence, and ran through the graveyard. He finally caught me, and pulled me over to his lap. Sitting down on a stone bench beside the door to a crypt. It was locked, but they had benches on either side to sit on. Make out, and get felt up, until he got to my crotch.

“Huh!” He stopped kissing, and felt around my dildo. It had gotten stuck down my pantleg when we sat down. “What’s this?”

“What’s it feel like?”

“A cock.”

“Well, why don’t you pull it out, and see?” He unzipped my pants, and I pulled the pantleg so it popped out the zipper.

“Where’d you get a dildo, especially such a little one from?”

“My cousins,” I hopped off his lap, and stood up. Snapping the snap back over my fly so it stuck out. “You like it?”

“I’m not really into boys, besides I’ve got the real thing to play with, so why don’t you take that thing off?”

“Okay,” I unsnapped my pants, and pulled out my brother’s old jock strap. I didn’t have a real strapon-harness, and I didn’t want to go all the way out to borrow one from the lesbos’ toybox. So, I dug out a handmedown jock strap my brother outgrew, because it had a pouch to hold a protective cup, and cut a hole in the outside to stick the floppy rubber shaft through.

Just to hold it, and flash girls, but ever since we left to watch them trick-or treating, we spent the whole night getting to know each other. “Does that mean you’re dick is bigger?”

“I don’t know.” He acted shy, so I had to tell him to get it out, so he could see. “It’s just cold out here,” he made excuses, because it turns out that he was an inch or 2 shorter than the 6 incher I brought. (Small for a dildo, which means half a foot long. They didn’t have anything smaller in the foot locker, so the smallest was actually average sized, for a full grown adult.)

“Ooh!” I didn’t say anything about the size, since he was so self conscious, I just got down in his lap, and stuck it my mouth. To warm it up, and suck it. Bob my head up, and down to make it slip in and out, fuck my face until he blew his wad, and suck the tip so I had enough room in my mouth for him to fill up with his spunk.

I sat back, and swallowed. “Kah!”

“Where’d you learn to suck dick like that?”

“My cousins.”

“Isn’t that incest?”

“Nohoh. We just practiced with the dildo. That was my first real blowjob, but they gave me pointers.”

“Oh,” he handed me my dildo back, to stick back in my jock strap, and fix up my pants. Then, he walked me home so his mom could give me a ride.

“Where have you 2 been?”

“Oh, we just went out to the graveyard to watch the dead rise from their graves. You know, the Dance Macabre?”

“I know the story, but you know that’s just a story.”

“Yeah, I know. If it wasn’t then we would have seen them, but it’s also a song. Well, it’s just a classical music piece, by Camille Saint Saens.”

“Saint Saens.” She corrected me, but I knew how much she liked classical music, so I let her lecture me. It was just a good way to change the subject, so she wouldn’t ask me about going out with her son.

;

Part I? I have to warn you, this is how the character writes. She’s called “Knowitall Nadine,” because she talks that way, too. If she were a boy, they’d probably call her “Encyclopedia Brown.”

So, Part II is going to be just as nerdy, and verbose, but most likely with a lot more sexual action to talk about…

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