I have severe daddy issues x

I’ve had daddy issues for as long I can remember x

Hi my name is shayla I think it’s important you know I care very little for people and about myself.When I was younger I grew up in a alcoholic family my mother sold drugs out are house and my step father was always drunk or high I was too younge to understand but I remember then fighting a lot to the point my mum had bruises and broken noises and jaws.After a while social services found out and took me away to live with my father in London I was younge around 9 at the time.

My father started of kind he loved me and for the first time I felt safe around a adult but one day he lost his job I don’t remember what he did but I feel like it made him very depressed it started with just him staying in bed all day and drinking I wouldn’t knock on his door.
“Daddy are you getting up today”
“Not today”he would scream back
As a younge girl that meant I had to learn to look after myself I learnt to use the oven and clean I went to school and every morning would get up and get ready myself.Walking home and to school in London alone.

One day when I was 10, I got home my father was on the sofa instead of his bed I got exited I thought he was getting better I remember him calling me over.
“Babygirl your home come here”
I was naive and quickly ran over he quickly pulled me onto his lap he then brung his beer bottle to my lips trying to shove it in my mouth I took a sip.My father wasn’t in his own mind and quickly shoved me onto the sofa I panicked but he shoved a corner of a blanket in my mouth I try to remove it but he kept shoving it nearly choking me.

All I felt was my school dress lifted up my tights being called down roughly I was still panicked and try to claw at his hand to stop but he didn’t give a fuck all I felt was his fingers inside of me at the time I didn’t understand but now I do he was rough leaving bruises on my pale thighs after he did it for a couple minutes I felt something bigger inside of me I started screaming in pain.

I felt it going inside and out of me really fast and it really fucking hurt I couldn’t fight him of after a couple minutes it felt a little better it was now a deep breath then screams I was making.Then a liquid flood inside of me he got up after and walked away lifting his boxers back up “go clean yourself” he said kinda sounding annoyed at me.

For weeks he fucked me like that it was constantly and he didn’t care he acted like he didn’t love me anymore but o think during this time he realised something at this point I was 10 that due to him not working and relying on the government he didn’t get a lot of money but if he used me then he could make a shit tone.so one day when I got back from school my dad was talking to a guy in the living room.

I was quickly told to come in I looked a little confused my dad never wanted to speak to me but of course it was a trick he told me had set a outfit on my bed and to go put it on and because I didn’t wanna get in trouble I did.I ran upstairs I saw a black dress with fishnets on my cover I was now really confused but put it on slowly walking downstairs to my dad.I’m quickly dragged onto his one knee my leg’s between his.
“This is her” my dad says
“She’s quite beautiful how much” the man says
“£200 for a hour” I hear his chuckle
I sat confused Ik that was a lot of money and looked at the man confused I see him place the money on the cofee table and my dad smiled.
“Shayla dear go to your room and sit on your bed”
Still really fucking confused I go back upstairs and sit on my hello kitty bed covers I then hear footsteps walking upstairs and my bedroom door opened I’m then grabbed by the man who was downstairs.

But this time Ik what was going to happen just like my dad does to me he pushes me on the bed and I don’t fight it I can tell he’s much stronger than my dad and after only around 45 mins he had finished filling me up.He gets off then bed and starts putting his clothes back on my body hurt and I stay laying on the bed but something he did what was different then my dad is he placed my bedsheet onto me and grabbed a couple peices of candy from his hoodie pocket.
“Thank you” I heard him mumble before walking out and closing my door.

For a while I stay looking at my ceiling before my dad walks in.
“I’m proud of you he said you nearly tried to escape he said he would be back because you where such a good girl” he says the last part while moving his fingers like he was making fun “now we are £200 richer thanks to you” he mumble that bit .

After that I was sleeping with guys most days it was the same every time I stopped going to school I was never wearing normal clothes I would wear this black lingerie that was a shirt attached with shorts that showed everything it had strappes on my thighs that connected to silk black knee high socks I also wore a black silk dressing gown.My dad never did the washing so I would wear a outfit like that for a couple days we never had hot water either I would clean with hot water from the kettle and a cloth.

I also complained to my dad that my body always hurt so he had gotten me hooked on cigarettes and sometimes made me take edibles or cocaine.It was a continuous life my father was kind to me if I played along and bought me nice things with my money.

But it stopped one day I was sitting on the sofa and my dad came from the kitchen he smiled at me and walked upstairs I heard his go to him bedroom I thought he was just going to bed so I left him and watched tv.Then hours passed
4hours
8hours
12hours
So I went to check on him just to make sure I wasn’t panicking but I wanted to…and then I saw it he layed on his bed foaming from the mouth and eyes rolled back a letter on the beside table.

I just stared at him closing the door I walked slowly downstairs in shocked I picked up the phone and called the police
“There’s been a suicide at (my adress)”
They tried to ask more questions but I hung up walking to the kitchen grabbing a bottle of wine sitting at the kitchen table and drinking it soon I heard loud knocking at the door and the door opened I hear radios and then slow footsteps I heard two people one walked upstairs and the other walked straight into the kitchen I could tell she was uncomfortable straight away.

She had just seen a 12 year old girl in lingerie drinking a bottle on wine in shock I didn’t even cry.
“Hello my name is ???”
I didn’t look at her
“Did you make the call”
I nod and then I heard my fathers door open and the other officer walk back downstairs staring at me in confusion and wispearing into the officers ear.she nods and look at me again sitting in a seat at the table.
“Is that your father up there”
I nod again
“I’m gonna take you to the station are you okay with that”
I nod once more she pulls the bottle out my arms as I flinch she apologises fake smilling.

I was then taking to the station and explained what had happened they then told me that my mother had been sober for a year and that at any point my father could have let me seen her and how she had been trying to get me back.

I started living with my mother after that I had five sibling and was going to therapy a lot but when you have been having sex everday for years you can’t stop having them cravings it doesn’t work like that.living with my mother was somewhat normal I was going to school again and I had not had sex intill I turned 13 I was really craving male attention and started going on online websites for it intill meeting a man who was willing to fuck me.

I met with him he offered me a cigarette and I took it quickly.we did it in the back of his car he started with just eating me out then me giving him a bj and then he fucked me really hard.after two years of not fucking someone it was fucking amazing I came so hard and after he dropped me home.

After a while of fucking random men I met James he did alot of drugs me was in a band and was so cool I was then 14 and we started daiting.I told him everything about the pass we did alot of drugs together and drank he was also fucking amazing in bed.I told him I kinda missed living with my dad sometimes and we tried alot of Bdsm stuff I loved seeing the bruises and cuts after he would also burn me with alot of cigarettes and i fell obsessively in love with him.we dated for a year until he cheated on me and because I shouted at him and threatened to kill myself he broke up with me .

So your now caught up we have been broken up for a month I’m laying in his coat rn in bed it smells like his perfume and I love it.I haven’t been able to have sex since we broke up.

(HI ITS SHAYLA THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING IM HERE TO SAY THIS IS 100% TRUE AMD IM NOT LYING I REALLY DO SOMETIMES MISS MY DAD AND MY EX.BIT I DECIDED TO SHARE MY STORY SO PEOPLE CAN HELP ME WHAT TO DO NEXT XX)

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