Becoming Aware – Prener Consciencia “lingua d’oc” – Part 1

Recollections of a young autistic girl exposed to love, sex, reality and tragedy.

Most of my life, which some may think tragic, seemed to me like I was always on the edge of things not knowing what or why. Even though I was always prone to saying yes, things overtook me in ways I just don’t comprehend. The new therapy, I am told is to write down things that seem odd or strange or somehow different or difficult in your life and then read it over and over again until some understanding comes. I don’t know if I will ever have this ability but now at age 70, I want to understand those things that seemed to pass me by, like my first boyfriend.

All I knew was that he was the 11 or 12 year old boy next door. He came over and swam in our pool and played Marco Polo with my sister and me a few times and we went over to his house and played board games like Chinese checkers but it seemed like we seldom saw him. We had no fences except the one around the pool and we lived on an acre of land. One day I was out in my yard, he must have seen me but I didn’t see him until he was next to me. I think I was 8 and I don’t remember him saying anything. He just took my hand and led me over to his house’s garage. Once we were in there with only the light from the window in the side door shining in, he led me over to a dark area and began kissing me on the lips. I didn’t know anything about kissing a boy and I had no idea why he was kissing me. I just let him do it without doing any kissing back. He did it for like 5 minutes or more while he hugged me. It didn’t bother me but I just couldn’t understand it. Afterward, he walked me home and then went back to his house.

My older sister, who is 11 and seems to know everything, saw us come out of the side garage door. After I went inside to my room, she walked in and asked me what I was doing in the garage with the boy. (Now, I don’t even remember his name.) I told her that I didn’t do anything but he kissed me a lot. My sister seemed to light up like she hit the jackpot and ran to tell my mom what happened. My sister and my mom are a lot alike, they both are fat, have dark hair, good eyesight and are very smart. My dad is also very smart but wears glasses and is skinny. I look more like him and am skinny and wear glasses too but I don’t think I am very smart.

My mom never said anything to me but I heard her arguing at the boy one day something about our dog being over on their property. I didn’t hear much of it but I knew that tone of voice and that meant she was very angry. The boy always seemed nice and polite to my mom so I was surprised by this. The next day, my sister came to my room and asked me if I wanted her Easter chocolate. Of course, I said yes and she said that she would give it all to me if I showed the boy my wee wee. I made her promise to God and she said: “He’s out in the ravine around the rocks. You should show him there.” I didn’t bother me much to show him since we didn’t have any nudity taboo and all of us walk around naked or half naked in the house. I just assumed everyone was like us and so I went out to the ravine and found the boy.

The boy had found a small cave made by these large boulders and I went in and told him that I wanted to show him my wee wee. He asked me why and I told him about the chocolate. He then said that we needed to go to his bedroom to do that because we should do it in secret there. I didn’t know why it had to be secret but I really wanted the chocolate so I went with him.

When we got to his room, he asked: “Do you know why I kissed you yesterday?”
I said: “No.”
He said: “Your sister knows. If I give you my Easter chocolate, can you keep a secret?”
I asked: “What secret?”
He said: “I will look at your wee wee and you will see mine and I will show you why it all starts with kissing.”
I said: “OK.” I didn’t know anything about sex at all. This was the 1960’s and my parents never talked about sex.
Then he asked me: “Have you seen the magazines in your garage with the pictures of the naked ladies?”
I said: “No.”
He said: “Your daddy likes to look at the lady’s wee wees. Do you know why?”
I said: “No.”
He said: “Because he likes to do things to lady’s wee wees, like the things that he does with your mother after they kiss. So we will start with some kissing but this time, do you think you can kiss back?” I nodded yes. And he said: “Just do what I do.”
I said: “OK.”

He then took my glasses off and said that it was easier to kiss without the glasses and that I didn’t really need to see his wee wee. Then he began to kiss me. He kissed me like last time and I tried to kiss back the same way. Then he sort of grabbed at my bottom lip with his lips as if to open my mouth and then he pushed his tongue between my lips. He told me to open my mouth and he put his tongue in and touched my tongue. It sort of felt good and so we did that for several minutes. He was sort of gently grabbing at me and hugging me while we did it and toward the end he was holding my rear. Then he pulled away and asked me to take off my shoes. After I did that he took my blouse off of me and he took off his shirt. Then we kissed again. This time he put his hands down inside my short pants and panties and was feeling my bare bottom. Again, I didn’t mind and it sort of felt good. Then he pushed my shorts down and took off his pants but we both still had our underwear on.

He asked me: “Do you like it so far?”
I said: “I don’t know. It seems nice but I don’t know why we are doing this.”
He said: “It’s time for me to see your wee wee and then after maybe you will understand.”
I said: “OK” and then I reached down to pull down my panties.
He said: “Stop! I want to look up close first, so I will pull down your panties. Sit on the edge of the bed.”

After I sat down, he bent over, kissed me quickly and then pushed me back to that I was laying on his full sized bed. He then knelt on the floor and slowly removed my panties from me. He then spread my legs and kissed me on my belly near my belly button. I tried to watch what he was doing but all I could see was the top of his head. I felt his lips kiss me lower and lower down toward my wee wee and then I felt his tongue. It kind of tickled at first but then he pushed it against me harder and lower until it felt like he had actually pushed it into me. Then he came back up and was licking near where my pee comes out. At first, it felt like I was going to pee and I didn’t want to pee on his face so I was scared but then it started to feel very different and strange but somehow very wonderful. I closed my eyes and just let him do whatever he wanted. After a few minutes I started to feel things all over, warm and exciting and then was surprised to hear myself moan when it just felt too good. He then started kissing up my belly until he got to my mouth and then while he was laying on me began putting his tongue in my mouth again.

He then rolled onto his side and took my hands and put them into his underwear. I felt something hard like a hot dog and he moved my hands so I was like petting the hot dog. It seemed to get bigger and harder when I petted it. Then he took off his underwear and got on top of me again. This time I could feel his wiener pushing up against my wee wee. It felt good like when he was kissing and licking me and again I started getting those exciting feelings all over. I heard myself moan again and then he moaned and I felt something wet and hot all over my belly. He then went to sleep on top of me and I fell asleep too.

Later I was awakened by his kisses all over my face. He said: “Do you understand now?”
I asked: “Maybe but why does my sister want me to do this.”
He said: “She doesn’t. She is jealous of you and wants to get us both in trouble.”
I said: “Why is she jealous of me? She’s the smart one.”
He said: “But you are the one I love!”
I asked: “You love me?”
He said: “Yes that’s why I wanted to do all of this.”
I asked: “But why does this get us in trouble.”
He said: “Because parents don’t think we are old enough yet to do this.”
I asked: “When are we old enough?”
He said: “We already are old enough or else we couldn’t feel what we feel but parents want us to be married first.”
I said: “Oh. Do you want to marry me?”
He said: “Maybe but we need to get to know each other much better. We hardly ever talk.”
I said: “OK, let’s talk then.
He said: “First, let’s clean up and put our clothes on and eat some chocolate, OK?”
I said excitedly: “OK!”

We washed off the gooey stuff on our bellies and I asked him what it was and he said:
“Stuff for making babies.” Then he explained sex to me for real including intercourse and having babies. And then we ate his chocolate and played Chinese checkers.

When I got home, my sister was eagerly waiting for me. She pestered me to tell her what we did. I only told her that we played Chinese checkers and that the boy didn’t want to see my wee wee. She didn’t believe me and told my mother that we were playing wee wees. My mother then told me that I was never to see the boy or go to his house again. A few months later, in the summer, his family moved away and I never saw him again.

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