Playing With Dicks – How boyhood experiments turn into teenage degeneracy – Chapter 11

Chapter 11 – Dirty Secrets – Things slow down at the end of summer break, but certain wild ideas start slowly setting some crazy events into motion.

WARNING: For patient readers only!

PLAYING WITH DICKS is a very long story tracing my entire early sexual history, and if you start reading here in the middle you’ll be missing a lot of important context. I recommend starting back from the very beginning so you’re not lost, or at least start at the recap in between chapters 10 & 11 so you know what’s going on. Click my username to find it all organized in order.

This is also an entirely true story, and I’ve included quite a bit of explanations and history to provide context between the “good parts” – so if you are expecting a barrage of wild unbelievable fantasy scenarios and non-stop sex scenes you may be a little disappointed. But if you are a patient reader and are willing to sit through my endless blabbing about my history, I promise those good parts will be worth it!

Playing With Dicks

How boyhood experiments turn into teenage degeneracy

Chapter 11 – Dirty Secrets

When summer vacation ended and we all had to go back to school, things kept changing at a rapid pace. The secret cub was bigger than ever before, but as soon as summer break was over it started to slowly fracture into smaller groups and cliques and sub-levels depending on who hung out together. Where everyone fit it depended on who was more perverted or open minded than who, or how far each individual was willing to take things. The various activities of the club got so dirty so quickly over that summer that guys were rapidly finding their limits, and not that they were dropping out in huge numbers or anything, but things definitely calmed down and started settling into a different groove. Some guys did quit on us, but on the other hand we still recruited some other new guys along the way too.

For a few guys it was a just a phase after all, they quickly moved onto chasing girls at school and left the gay experiments behind after that summer. Some guys wouldn’t dare take it as far as me and the core group did but still wanted to keep it going and hang out no matter what we did – they’d get all horny watching us fuck even if they didn’t want to take it in the ass themselves. Some guys who did go all the way with us thought we’d lost our shit with the crazy risks we were willing to take and started getting paranoid – they liked fucking around with us, but weren’t into doing it in dumb risky places like the change room at our pool or barely hidden outdoors somewhere. Everyone had their own different levels of perversion and risk tolerance and we were slowly dividing ourselves up into groups based largely on those factors. Being back in school and segregated back into our different grades and classes or even different schools didn’t help either, and it couldn’t be stopped that some of us were drifting apart while some of us were getting even closer.

Since Grant and Chris and I were all put in the same class at school together that year, the 3 of us quickly grew even tighter. We did a lot more just normal friend stuff together all the time, I spent a lot more time over at their house than anyone those days, stopping by almost daily on my walk home from school, and we did kind of end up as the 3 ringleaders of the circus from then on. We were almost exactly the same age and older than the rest of the boys, with Grant just barely being the oldest, and we were definitely 3 of the worst perverts of all the secret club.

Jay had always been my best and most loyal friend longer than anyone, Matt pretty much the same, and we were still super close and would always be. But there was no denying I was spending more time with Grant and Chris those days. Jay and I still called each other best friends, but it started to seem like I had more in common with the 2 step brothers who were my age. The two of them were definitely smarter and could hold a pretty philosophical conversation well, not that Jay or Matt were dull, but Grant and Chris were just way more interesting and had a cooler place to hang out at, cooler parents who let them do whatever they want.

It was during some of these deeper conversations with Grant and Chris we’d occasionally get into when we started to discover some of us still had even deeper secrets we were hiding from each other, and some wild ideas started getting thrown around when we confessed certain things to each other.

One day not long after summer break ended, we were talking about girls of all things, the topic none of us had any experience in – or so I thought – when I learned something about Grant he’d been hiding from everyone except his brother Chris. Considering how much he liked to brag, I was surprised he didn’t confess this earlier, but Grant had actually fondled a girl before! The reason he never told anyone about it because it was his little cousin Clara and it happened a long time ago, before all this secret gay sex club really kicked off. He said it was so stupid and innocent that it didn’t even count, plus it was mildly incestuous so there’s that… I wanted to know everything, and he had quite the story to tell. There was a whole situation developing I needed to get caught up on.

It started two years back when he was 10, Grant and his mom were spending a weekend visiting his aunt’s place. His only cousin Clara was only 8, and the two of them were bored hanging out at her place with nothing to do, because according to Grant they lived out in boring farm country. They did what bored kids do sometimes, Grant talked her into “playing doctor” and it led exactly where it often does.

Grant had only just started secretly fooling around with step brother Chris back at that age when this happened, so of course he was the one who had the idea and he talked Clara into it – but apparently she was more than happy to play along and the fun was definitely mutual. They took turns “examining” each other, laying on their backs pretending to be unconscious and letting each other do whatever they wanted. He lifted her shirt and played with her non-existent boobs – he said the only difference between her chest at that age and a guy’s was that her nipples were bigger.

And apparently even though he talked her into it, when they took turns Clara was actually the one who pulled Grant’s pants down first to perform a medical exam of his penis, and she got all fascinated about the way his dick was super hard and standing right up. She was so curious she obviously wanted to touch it, so Grant played dead until she couldn’t resist and started playing with his hard dick all on her own, still going along with the game pretending she was a nurse just examining it. He said she almost knew how to stroke it without him even showing her how.

She let him “examine” her pussy in return, and he rubbed his fingers in her slit a bit but that’s all, he didn’t finger bang her or go too crazy. They ended up masturbating together a bit but didn’t do anything worse than that, and Grant said he regretted not pushing it further back then. They didn’t even make each other cum and didn’t talk about it again after. Even so, I still couldn’t believe it, his story was so hot and totally made me horny.

But that’s where it got even better. The only reason he was telling me this bit now is because just last week he was back out in the country visiting his cousin again, and that was actually the real story. After a long time not seeing her and never discussing the “playing doctor” incident since it happened, apparently she was almost a little too happy to see him and got super clingy when he stayed over there just this prior weekend. His mom and aunt actually let Grant sleep in Clara’s room when they stayed the night, and what happened then was the real big news. Chris already knew all of this, I was getting caught up, and I was dying to see where he was going with it.

It was definitely weird because it was his little cousin, but the way he told it was almost romantic, and he was a damn good story teller. Clara and Grant had a little movie night while their moms were hitting the wine in the kitchen, and she started snuggling up to him. When he cuddled her back she ended up crawling all over him and grinding on him right out in the living room by the end of the night, rubbing up against him under the blanket they were sharing. And when they got into their pj’s and it was bedtime, she asked him if he ever thought about that one time they played doctor, and it was on from there. She’d been obsessing about it ever since even worse than Grant had, it had only left her curious and wanting more, so just a week ago, 2 full years after playing doctor, they picked up right where they’d left off, and Grant had kind of sort of scored.

They didn’t actually fuck, he was still a virgin and Clara said she was saving her virginity for a “real boyfriend” – ouch, what a way to get shot down. But she was a horny little thing anyway now that she was getting older, and apparently she made all the moves, and they ended up playing a good old fashioned game of truth or dare and did a lot of other stuff to each other. They made out and dry humped each other through their pajamas, he got to feel up and finger her pussy, and she sucked his dick. He said he wanted to offer to eat her pussy in return but chickened out because he doesn’t know how, but it didn’t even matter because he’d kind of scored anyway, and might again of he plays his cards right. He’d finally scored his first kiss, first time touching pussy, first blowjob from a girl – 3rd base just short of a home run and he couldn’t even brag about it to anyone because she was his blood cousin. It was an even bigger secret than our secret gay sex club, and I wasn’t allowed to tell anyone.

If he felt so guilty about it I wondered why he was even telling me at all, and I didn’t think he was trying to make me jealous that he scored. He didn’t actually fuck her, they just made out and fooled around a bit, big deal. But it slowly and shockingly became clear why it was actually a huge fucking deal.

He said he didn’t have a crush on her and she was just a friend with secret taboo benefits, kind of like us boys but not really. Sure we had the taboo of doing gay shit together, but him and Clara had an even bigger taboo called incest going on – so it was kind of the same but exactly opposite at the same time. It was extra double mega super top secret, especially this next part.

It wasn’t about anything he did with her, it was what he’d said to her that had Grant all messed up. It was the playing truth or dare part with Clara where he fucked up and felt guilty about. He was just trying to get laid, so when Clara suddenly told all her dirty secrets to Grant, he might have fucked up, slipped up and said too much about his secrets in return. That is to say, OUR secrets. He said he wasn’t going to tell her anything until she brazenly confessed about how she’d been secretly lezzing out and finger banging one of her girlfriends, so in a moment of pussy-whipped weakness he fucked up and told her he did gay experiments with friends too. He didn’t have a choice, truth or dare has rules you know. He swore she was trustworthy and wasn’t going to tell anyone, he only told her because he thought it would help him score somehow, and he claimed not to have given her any real details anyway, no names, dates or locations.

So Clara didn’t exactly know who or what or how bad it really was, but she knew Grant’s deepest darkest secret to some degree now, and by extension our secret too. He swore up and down that all he told her is it was only just some blowjobs with friends, and he instantly regretted saying it when Clara got even more curious about it and immediately wanted to know all the gory details. She basically interrogated him and wanted to know who and when and where and why and how often – but he insisted that he didn’t crack and didn’t give her any critical info. And in the end telling her about it definitely did help him score, because admitting he’d gotten blowjobs from friends turned her on enough to want to suck his dick herself. She’d never done it before, and Grant made it sound like she only sucked him off to prove she could do it better than a guy. (She couldn’t)

So the whole point of telling me all of this and going through the whole double extra top secret rigmarole was part damage control, part looking for advice. I didn’t see what the big deal was, I didn’t even know her and she lived 2 hours away in farm country. I think he was expecting me to be angry that he’d broken our pact of secrecy, but I wasn’t, I was just shocked, honestly quite jealous and a little horny actually. I would have done the same if it meant a chance at some pussy, I wish I had a cousin like that! He didn’t tell her any names or specifics, right? So who the fuck cares what she thinks she knows? Sounded like a Grant problem not a me problem. Say whatever you gotta say to get laid, dude – as long as she doesn’t come to our neighbourhood to start spreading rumors about us, right?

That was the catch. She was coming to our neighbourhood. Not specifically to spread rumors of course, but to live with her Aunt, as in they were going to be moving to our town soon. That’s why they had gone to visit last week – Grant’s mom was getting into the real estate business and she was out there to go through listings and look for places with his aunt. Clara was now probably going to end up visiting a lot more, maybe attending our school and meeting our friends, and she was going to know what we’re up to because Grant had told her too much already, and she’s probably smart enough to figure the rest out on her own. Grant and Chris were probably going to be seeing a lot more of Clara and didn’t know what to do about it. Obviously neither of them wanted her to clue into the fact that it was the two of them who’d been the gayest faggots of all for the longest time and been sucking each other’s dicks for years. Chris had only met Clara a few times casually before, but she didn’t know anything about how they lived or how much time they really spent together.

So both of them were kind of losing their minds realizing she was going to be smart enough to put 2 & 2 together when she’d inevitably come over to visit The Dungeon sometime. Grant had this awesome amazing opportunity to spend more time with and seduce his little cousin, but it came with quite a catch 22 dilemma. He fucked it up already by even hinting at what we had going on in secret, and he only did it because he never thought Clara would be close enough for it to matter. But now because of what little she already did know, if she started hanging around the boys even a little bit, she was going to figure the rest out on her own. I didn’t know what the fuck to do about it, I had no real advice on such a weird situation, I didn’t know anything about girls. But the brainstorm that followed proved quite interesting, and to my perverted and overly optimistic mind, there might be an easy logical solution.

It sounded almost too simple – just fucking tell her. If she’s just a secret friend with benefits like all us guys, treat her the same, it’s not like she’s ever going to be Grant’s girlfriend. She might be from the country, but come on, really. She’s obviously trustworthy, she hasn’t snitched on Grant or started any rumors yet, and why would she? Mutually assured destruction, remember? Do you really think she’d be okay with the world finding out she sucked her cousins dick? She’s got as much to hide and more dignity to lose than any of us, so who cares if she knows? Normally I’d be terrified of any of the girls I knew finding out about my secret gay side, but honestly – if some little quasi-nypho half-lesbian girl I didn’t even know found out, that might be actually kind of exciting. Imagine there really were some girls out there who’d actually be that open minded and non-judgmental you could actually tell them your gay secrets and they won’t hold it against you, or better yet think it’s hot. I’d never heard of a girl who gets turned on by stories of guys sucking each other off, who knows how dirty this little cousin of his might be? I mean everyone knows guys love lesbian porn, maybe it works the other way for girls too. What if she’s more into it than you think?

I wasn’t suggesting he tell her too much, but maybe just let her think what she wants to think and assume what she wants to assume, because don’t worry, she’s not going to do anything about it. So what if she realizes Grant and Chris have been sucking each other off every single night, it’s not like you gotta tell her about the whole secret club, and she’s not going to tell anyone, is she? Just give her the abridged version, I don’t know!

But all 3 of us simultaneously had even wilder more ambitious thoughts, just in case it starts getting really weird… Because let’s say if – and this is a big hypothetical what if – what if she knew about the club as was super cool about it? What if she was secretly such a pervert that she wanted in on it even though she’s a girl? If she gets off to the thought of Grant doing secret gay shit, what if she wants to see? If she can keep our secret and we can keep hers, wouldn’t it be fun to let her watch, maybe even get her join in? Would Grant even want to share her if she was down to fool around with some of us other guys? This whole club was supposed to be only for the boys and girls generally weren’t to be trusted, but if some wild girl really wanted to and was trustworthy enough, how the fuck could we possibly say no? Maybe we’d been doing it all wrong trying to get serious girlfriends, maybe what we really needed was a slutty friend with benefits just like all the boys except with a vagina. Maybe we could make her give us blowjobs if she wants to watch us fool around or something, maybe we can have a big bisexual orgy with her. Maybe she’s such a nymphomaniac slut that she’ll let us run a train on her, or give her the gangbang she’s probably always wanted, right?

Of course the conversation had to devolve to wild retarded fantasies that would never happen. We were talking pretty hypothetical about it, she’d still be living in farm country for a while, we didn’t even know when or where exactly she’d be moving, but apparently Grant’s aunt was looking for a place nearby. They didn’t know when they’d be seeing Clara next or how often, but knew she’d be around eventually so they needed to get their story straight before she inevitably showed up one day.

I thought the idea of her joining in on the club was just a wild what if fantasy scenario, but Grant didn’t entirely write it off. Apparently Clara was so curious and turned on by whatever little gay stories he told her that she wanted to know everything, she questioned him endlessly last time, and his biggest dilemma was he didn’t know what to tell her when she’d inevitably bug him about it again. It was the same mistake all over again – if you want to keep a secret, don’t even let someone know you’re hiding something, or you’ll only make them more curious. And now that the cat was out of the bag there was no telling what was going to happen, no way to know what Clara would do with the little information she already had.

If Grant really did want to go after her and make his little cousin into another secret fuck buddy, he had quite the conundrum on his hands. If it meant she’d have to find out about some of the secret gay shit, would that even be worth it? I couldn’t wait to meet her – was she going to be cool? Or was she going to turn on Grant and blow the lid on him and Chris? Was she really as perverted as Grant made her out to be? Was she going to turn into the open minded nympho we hoped she might be? Only time would tell.

And over some time it was exactly conversations like this which proved that I was slowly becoming better friends with Grant and Chris. The whole Clara situation really was the most juicy secret anyone had ever trusted me with, and we just put a pin in that one for a while because there was nothing else we could do about it in the meantime. Other than fantasize how cool it would be to have a girl join the club, not that it would ever happen. Even if that only was a stupid fantasy, hearing about Grant’s extra secret incestuous thing with Clara was exciting either way.

So with conversations like that going on, I started realizing I could trust Grant and Chris with the deepest most dirtiest thoughts I had running through my mind, some of which were downright criminal those days. We had a lot more of those deeper darker perverse conversations over some time, and I had some stuff to get off my chest too. No crazy story like Grant’s, it was just some thoughts running through my head, but those thoughts were way more fucked up than some mild incest, and some of my fantasies were way crazier than having a girl join our club.

I’d had this one stupid sexual fantasy in my head for the longest time, nothing but a purely hypothetical completely unobtainable wild dirty fantasy that was too wild to share with anyone. It was one of those things you’d never actually do even if the opportunity presented itself, it was so far fetched it would basically require living in an alternate reality with an entirely different set of rules. The kind of retarded fantasy so stupid you don’t ever tell anyone about it. But it was so devilish and devious it was way too much fun to think about. And I thought about it so much I just blurted it out one day in a really horny moment with Grant and Chris.

We’d become even more addicted to porn those days, and Chris was becoming a hacker level genius in searching good porn out and finding us new exciting stuff to look at, even downloading some videos for us to watch finally. I wasn’t the only one who’d bugged Chris about the idea of looking for some underage porn, but that idea was already discussed as firmly off the table. Not because it was obviously highly illegal, we didn’t give a shit about laws – but on an actual moral level within ourselves, we didn’t want anything to do with pedophiles and molesters and rapists. Chris knew enough to navigate around the net and hide his tracks from his parents, but there were some risks we just wouldn’t take, we did have some limits after all. Not much but some.

But I kept insisting it couldn’t be all evil child rape type stuff, could it? For all we know there might be other teen porn sites kind of like the barely legal 18+ stuff, only barely NOT legal instead and a bit more secret, like 12 – 16 teen porn with no adults, no rape or molestation, just willing young participants. Of course it’d still be just as illegal, but kind of only on a technicality or whatever if the kids or teens doing it actually want to be there, right? What if there were boys or girls our age who actually wanted to make porn and did it just as willingly and enthusiastically as all the other adult porn stars? Ok maybe not 12 year olds, but if age of consent is 14 (as it was a at the time) why can’t “teen porn” have actual teens in it instead of only 18 & 19 year old young adults?

It was quite the interesting hypothetical conversation we were having, but they were going along, saying that it sure would be cool, obviously porn like that would be way more exciting to watch than what we had been finding so far. But this was way too far fetched – we don’t know if there’s categories to child porn like there is in normal porn, how’d you even find a specific site like that? Who’d even be filming and taking the pictures? Where are these magical illegal porn studios and how do they find and hire willing kids who actually want to make porn? Who the fuck would even want to willingly do that as a kid or teen? And that’s where my retarded fantasy came in…

I told them I know how stupid it sounds, but that was actually my ultimate dirty fantasy – I would love to be able to star in underage porn and couldn’t stop thinking about it. I wanted to see some underage porn so badly and had thought about it so much I started thinking how wild it would be to perform in that kind of stuff myself, get naked in front of a camera and crew and film some sex scenes. It’s just a wild hypothetical fantasy scenario, I don’t mean I’d actually do it, but I kind of wish I could live in a world where it’d be cool to be an underage porn star, and to be seen as brave for doing it, maybe even get famous for it and make some money. Not saying I’d be crazy or stupid enough to ever do something like that in a billion years, but isn’t it fun to imagine living in a world where that would be cool? Like imagine if the minimum age for porn was 12 or 13, not 18 and these hypothetical teen porn studios existed, wouldn’t it be fun just to go audition and check the place out? Wouldn’t it be cool if it wasn’t illegal and we could make crazy porn movies for perverts to jerk off to? And I’m not talking just getting to make straight porn fucking little teen porn star girls, wouldn’t the stuff we boys get up to make for the most epic gay porn ever? Wouldn’t it be crazy if someone wanted to make a porn movie about us while we’re still way underage? What if there doesn’t even need to be illegal porn studios and it’s more like on location documentaries or even home movies? What if somewhere out there teens are making and distributing amateur porn all by themselves? Imagine living in a world where that was the cool way to show off, and us kids could have all the fun the adults in the porn business do.

Even Grant the evolving exhibitionist of the group thought I was talking crazy, and I knew I was too. I mean what kind of person even wants to be a porn star as an adult, let alone as a kid? It was just wild fantasy talk after all and meant absolutely nothing, but it was fun to test the limits of our judgment free zone by sharing such an incredibly stupid fantasy, and it was nice to have friends who didn’t judge me for having these weird ideas and opinions. Good to know I’m not the only one who thinks underage porn might be cool under the right circumstances. Sure they thought I was weird and crazy for fantasizing about actually being a porn star like I was, but at least they didn’t judge me for negatively it. We all had some dumb fantasies, so I didn’t think telling them would be a big deal.

Little did I know what sharing that dirty little corner of my mind was going to do to them, and the cascade of events it would eventually set off. And that train slowly left the station when Chris finally chimed in and ever so casually mentioned – let’s say theoretically if we really wanted to make our own porn, it would be as easy as borrowing one of his dad’s cameras. Not that we should do it, of course, this is entirely just retarded spitballing even crazier hypotheticals here. This ain’t ever actually gonna happen in a million billion years, but theoretically let’s say we wanted to actually film our own amateur homemade hardcore porn – it would be trivial to get away with it, super easy actually…

Chris’s dad was a freelance photographer, super busy doing gigs like big money weddings and motorsports, hence the weird hours he worked. He did well enough that he would have been rich if he wasn’t constantly dumping money into his growing armory of cameras, 2 or 3 of every kind, film, digital, fancy professional still cameras and a bunch of different video cameras from different generations, tripods, cables, literally everything.

We could theoretically just tell him we wanted to borrow a camera or two for some stupid video project or something as an excuse, buying our own blank tape would be easy, even hiding a tape full of porn would be feasible enough if we actually produced something to show for our cover story too. I mean obviously we’d have to film videos, we can’t be sending film rolls full of child porn out to get developed, if we did stills they’d have to be digital so we’d have to borrow the right camera, or a polaroid. We’d need a tripod to make setting up shots easier, all the cables to hook the camera up to the tv or computer so we could watch it back or do edits, but all those logistics are trivial. All we’d have to do is have the camera ready downstairs overnight, actually filming our own porn and getting away with it wouldn’t be any harder than everything else we risked so far. If we ever actually want to do it, literally the only thing stopping us is our own better judgement.

The amount of detail we went into for a supposedly hypothetical fantasy conversion was almost a little scary. The way Chris seemed to already have it all planned out in his head was shocking. It’s sure fun to talk about fantasy scenarios and take what one guy says and spin it off into your own thing, but this was one wild suggestion. I mean fantasy, fantasy, not an actual suggestion, he didn’t really mean we should. But we really easily could if we wanted to…

I really thought we were only talking hypotheticals, but Chris started asking me if I was serious about my porn fantasy, and if I really would do stuff on camera if the circumstances were exactly perfect and all my conditions met. I said not really, I didn’t really mean it, we were just talking stupid fantasies, right? Or maybe not, because why would he obsess about the topic if he hadn’t been pondering it himself? It’s fun to talk about silly fantasies, but we didn’t usually dwell on the ones that were absolutely the most unlikely thing to ever happen. It’s why we didn’t talk about Clara much, some things are so not even remotely feasible that they’re not worth talking about.

So of course reiterating and pre-qualifying it all as just theoretical, let’s say we did decide to borrow a camera and take it downstairs at a sleepover. And let’s say we somehow get brave enough to get naked in front of that camera, just for the fun of the scheming let’s say we already had all the other logistics figured out and that part would be easy, the only impossible part left to figure out is what in the fuck would we do with the tape? Let’s say we make some little homemade porn movie and now we have it on tape, who gets to keep it, where would we even hide it? Let’s say we theoretically get over the last thing stopping us from actually doing it and create real physical evidence of our biggest secret, and make it all a crime in the process – could we live with ourselves knowing something like that exists somewhere for someone to find? Kids don’t go to jail for child porn, pedophiles do, what category would we even be in if we got caught with it? You can’t be the perpetrator and victim of the same crime you did to yourself, right? What would we do if we actually did decide to create undeniable evidence of our own crimes and have the guts to try and hide it somewhere?

I don’t know why I decided to tell them this, maybe I was trying to change the topic, maybe the discussion was getting too real – but the way we were talking about hiding evidence caused me to confess something I’d never told a single soul about in my life.

I had physical evidence hidden away already, not pictures or videos obviously, not actual real hard proof of anything, more of a detailed itemized confession in the form of my super secret diary at home. I wrote into it so secretly that nobody even knew I had it, and it had to be that secret because I started writing about almost every wild sexual encounter I’d been having with them, Jay, Matt, everyone. The whole thing, the secret club, sleepovers, the ravine and cruising spot, the pool, the orgies, everything. I started writing about it just as an experiment and literally burned the first few copies to ash out of paranoia, but then I started enjoying writing about everything so I could go re-read it and jack off to it later, and it became my favorite little secret thing to do alone at home late at night.

We’d all enjoyed reading dirty stories online, I’m sure they understood the fun in that, that was where the really spicy underage stuff was anyway. I didn’t know how to write fantasy, but I didn’t need to when I could just write about my own experiences. All the other “true stories” were the most fun to read anyway, and erotica helped fill that gap of underage content we craved. You want to talk about how porn doesn’t have to be pic or video and can be text too? Well, I already had a journal full of child porn specifically writing out our whole true story. When it came to reading the dirty stories we found online, those were always the best ones, right? Underage stuff, first times, true confession type shit.

Normally “I have I diary” isn’t that spicy of a secret confession, but this was my deepest darkest secret because it really was just a sex journal, and I was as paranoid about anyone finding it as if it were real video evidence. Not that the two would or should be comparable, and I swore to Grant and Chris that if anyone ever did find my diary, I’d tell them it’s all made up and I’m a giant faggot who wrote a bunch of stupid fantasies about my friends, none of it is real. There was still some tiny microscopic bit of plausible deniability there, at least it’s not undeniable video proof.

I was surprised Grant and Chris weren’t mad, they did have a hard drive rapidly filling with porn so not like they weren’t already hiding something themselves. They were a little worried if I had it well hidden enough, but mostly they really badly wanted to see my diary and read it. They told me never to get caught with it, but bring it over so they can read it all! I didn’t know if I wanted to, I’d be embarrassed about my writing mostly, and I didn’t want to risk taking it out of my bedroom where it was beyond well hidden. Plus it wasn’t just all about sex, I wrote about my thoughts and feelings about people in there and wasn’t sure I wanted to share those parts. It was such a secret they were the only one’s I’d ever told about it, and I didn’t even want the rest of the club to know I had it, they’d be pissed about what I wrote for sure. But they were dying to read it and Chris said I should type it all up and post it online, changing all the names and places obviously. If I wasn’t going to let them read my diary at least I should type some stories up on their computer.

Hearing about my secret diary only started turning that whole ridiculous homemade porn idea even less hypothetical and suddenly all the more real. Grant said if I kept my private sex diary such a top secret all this time, he could theoretically hide a porn tape just as easily, they had tons of secret nooks and crannies in that basement. Or if we kept it digital there were ways of hiding that too. Whoever would theoretically be in this porn movie would have to swear extra super secret about it and never tell anyone about it, not even the rest of the club. Nobody would get their own copy, only one master copy would ever exit and it would stay hidden where it was filmed, you’d have to come over if you want to watch it. And of course it’d only be for us to watch for fun, we’d never actually put something like that out, it would be just for us, just something to do for the sick thrill of it.

Why were we still talking about this? I thought it was wild hypothetical fantasy shit? They can’t possibly be scheming can they? We eventually put a pin in that topic for the time being too, but I’d find out soon enough.

With these kinds of ideas floating around, I should have known better and expected what was about to start happening over the next year or so. But some things sound so far fetched even to me, I never actually entertained certain ideas as remotely possible.

And right around that time we got distracted by some other unforeseen things that threw us for a bit of a loop, and we started flirting with disaster in more ways than one. We were reaching the point where our ideas were getting a little too ridiculous, and reality would soon bite back. We’d gotten away with way too much way too easily and were getting complacent and overconfident – we needed something to keep us in check before it really did go too far.

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