Bottoming Out

I had no idea that my boyfriend was into anything that kinky, until I came home unexpectedly.

We’re living together, in a 1 bedroom apartment, for several months now. Saving up for a wedding, he hadn’t even proposed yet, but I thought I knew him.

Of course, everyone has secrets, even from their SOs, but this one was a doosie!

As soon as I came in the door, I immediately got the wrong idea. “OMG, are you okay?” I ran to him on the coffee table before I really saw everything.

“Uphugh!” He grunted, and huffed around the ball-gag, but the first thing I did was help him lift the kettelbell. Hanging over his back, with his arms up, and cuffed to the handles with carabiners.

I knew that they were for exercise, and rock climbing, respectively. “Who did this to you?” Finally, once I had his arms down, and the weight on the table in front of him, I managed to pull out the ball-gag.

He shut his eyes, and turned away, out of breath, but he wouldn’t look at me. “Huh, I did.” Finally, he looked up, and nodded. “I’m not cheating on you with another woman, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

“Uh!” I just sat down, hard. When it hit me that this was something sexual, instead of a robbery? He easily unlocked the links from the handle, simply by pressing in the gates, and slipping the rings on the cuffs out. I finally shook my heat, and put my arms down. “So, this is just some sort of, sick masturbation?”

I looked around at the TV, and the computer. Neither one of them stolen, but nor were they turned on. He wasn’t watching any pornography, but once he’d gotten his hands free, he pushed the table back. Pulled the knot out of a rubber hose, and some pubic hairs with it, but he was so swollen with blood that it had started turning blue.

Then, a lot of jizm came out, and it fell limp. Still dripping, and from the size of the puddle between his legs, I judged that it had to’ve been multiple loads. Multiple orgasms, at least 2 if not more. “Doesn’t that hurt?”

“Of course it hurts, that’s the point?”

I shook my head, “I’m sorry, I just don’t understand. Why anyone would want to hurt themselves?” I certainly wasn’t a cutter in high school, and any girls that I knew could never give me a satisfactory answer that I could understand.

“It’s just intense, and humiliating, risky, and exciting. I knew that you wouldn’t understand.” He shook his head, so I got up to hold him.

“Of course I don’t, but I want to.” I kissed his cheek. “I love you, and you know that you don’t have to keep secrets from me. I’m not that much of a prude.”

“Well,” he grinned, standing up, and stretching. The way his arms were bent over his back, and weighed down, I could start to understand how that would need stretching after, but no idea how he came by that position in the first place. “Huh, honestly, that’s a big part of it, too.”

“What is?”

“You, your. Not really interested in anything kinky.”

“I don’t know about that.” I looked down at the unbelievable yield on the floor. “I’m starting to get hot from.” I felt my neck, and then I had to laugh. “It’s just such a silly, and absurd situation, and how long have you been doing this sort of thing?”

“Seems like forever.” He smiled to himself, wistfully.

The weight, the surgical tubing, hospital restraints, carabiners, ball gag, all of it, together. That’s a lot of things to collect, explain what he couldn’t hide, hide what he could, and also set up for hours of pleasure, pain, and multiple orgasms? “You’re multi-orgasmic?”

“Only when, okay it’s complicated.” He dropped one of the cuffs on the couch. Rubbing the welts around his hand, especially the side where the thick leather dug in with the weight. “Huh, my mom.” He looked up to see how I reacted to him mentioning her.

Let’s just say that we don’t get along, and I can sympathize somewhat, because I had a cock-blocking father. So did practically every girl I knew, we’re technically living in sin, and having premarital sex, but I never really got any thrill out of that. I was mostly just free of that judgemental household, his house, his rules, and telling me how to act.

“She didn’t want us playing with ourselves, or even touching it when it wasn’t hard.”

“Your brothers’ too.”

“My brother, and sisters, sex was something to be ashamed of. Dirty, and bad. Even between them, they hid it, and seemed to be ashamed of themselves for having it, even though they’re married, and it took me a while to figure out how to cum hands free.”

“How many times?” That was really, the most impressive part to me.

“Today? I don’t know, I lost count, but the binder helps.”

“It helps you get off?”

“No, it helps me stay hard when I cum, and hold it up under the table so I can rub the head on the hard wood.”

“Oh,” Still sitting down, even though he was standing up, and taking off the other cuff. Awkwardly, left handed, but of course everything about this was awkward.

I looked under the table for anything that might be dripping from it, but there wasn’t. Of course, he’d tied it around the base so tight that it was cut off. The circulation, and his urethra so that the loads just backed up into. God, it looked like a quarter cup, if not a third. It’s hard to believe that he had that much inside him at once!

“Huh!” He took a piss, and then dropped the seat for me. Not that I had to go to the bathroom, it was just something we worked out. Actually on the first date, if I remember right. He asked me, if I had a problem with that, because his mother had him trained. “She didn’t abuse you sexually?”

“I don’t know? Honestly, I don’t really understand all this myself, but. Huh!” He flushed, and walked out, still naked. “She spanked me, okay?”

“We’re spanked too, if we’re bad enough. You know I had a boyfriend that used to like spanking me with a hairbrush, before you?”

“How did you feel about that?”

“I don’t know, he didn’t hurt me. It wasn’t that hard, it was just something he liked.”

“Huh, well I didn’t like it, of course. It was punishment, but one of the corporal offenses was having erections.”

“That’s insane.”

“I know that, my mother was crazy about that stuff, but you asked me why I do it?”

“No, honestly, I asked you how it can be a turn on.”

“I told you, it’s dangerous, thrilling, and humiliating. She made me ashamed to even have an erection, I was practically ashamed to have a penis at all, and my sisters didn’t help either.”

“What did they do?”

“Nothing, they just liked to get us in trouble is all. They knew that if they told mom that we’re going through their underwear, or jerking off. Even though it wasn’t true, of course. We weren’t like that, we’re too afraid to, but it was usually 3 against one. Since they backed each other up, but if my brother and I backed each other up.”

“Of course, the assumption is that because you’re boys, and boys are bad, she always took their side, too.”

“Yeah, so when I was finally able to get out on my own. I guess I couldn’t really get off without something like that.”

“Bondage?”

“No, the risk of somebody seeing me, getting caught, and arrested. I guess the bondage came in later to make it even more exciting, and last longer.”

“You never got caught though?”

“No, I was always too careful. I never really took any risks. I just had to make it risky enough, without actually getting caught, or stuck. I didn’t actually want to get caught, I just always thought about it, and what would happen if I did.”

“You’d go to jail, and probably get raped by the gays.”

“No, well. I don’t know possibly, but that’s not what I thought about. I was still afraid of mom finding out, most of all.”

“Okay,” I turned around from the bedroom, and went back. “Well, I guess I understand most of it.” I picked up one of the cuffs, and turned it over. “Except for this.”

“What?” He looked out from the bedroom door.

“The bondage,” I stopped feeling the inside of the leather. The loose threads from rectangular seams where there was some sort of patch sewn into the inside, then ripped out. “Huh,” I shrugged, “Well, I guess I’m just going to have to try it.” I held it up.

“Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel like you have to.”

“Just do it. Put it on my wrist, I want to feel it. I’m curious what it actually feels like, but not the weight.” I looked back, “That’s probably too heavy for me anyway, but I trust you. You’re not going to hurt me? I don’t want to try anything painful.”

He slipped the loose end through the D shaped ring, and tucked it in. “Of course not, I don’t want to hurt you, or anyone.”

I felt it, and even twisted my wrist to feel the rough inside. “What did these used to have sewn into the inside?”

“Oh, a pad. They came padded at first.”

“But this is rougher?” I guessed. “It just feels like a rough bracelet.”

“Well, that’s what makes it more intense. If you’re too comfortable, then it just goes away. You can just forget about it like your bra straps?”

“Oh.” I looked up, and just felt my bra straps. With my sides, and my bra cups with my breasts. Without moving, I didn’t even have to feel them with my hands, but “That explains it.” I did anyway. “Shouldn’t I take off my clothes before we clip them together?”

“Yeah, it would make my job a little easier. Honestly, I’ve never done this either. I mean, I’ve never been with anyone that wanted to be tied up. I don’t think, but you’re really okay about this?”

“No, I’m still confused, and it’s driving me nuts, but these.” I held up the leather bracelets. “They’re not too bad.” I got my top unbuttoned enough to pull it off. “You mind if I keep my bra on?”

“Of course not.”

“I think it helps, I mean what you said about it. Forgetting that it’s on, even though it hurts in some places, but unless it pinches me, I just forget about it after I’ve been wearing it all morning.” I laughed, “Wait, how did you know what a bra strap feels like?”

“Well, I tried a lot of things to find out what works. That included cross-dressing, but that wasn’t really exciting.”

“With your sister’s underwear?”

“No, your’s, and other girlfriends’, once I started dating.”

“Oh my god. You never got my bras around your chest.” I reached up to feel it. “Huh, I love your chest, but come on. There’s no way it would ever fit.”

“I know,” he kissed me, quickly. “I used a bungee chord.”

“Oh, as a bra strap?”

“No, I tied a knot in just the right place, to hook it through the straps, and hold them tight.” He held his hands up, as if he had breasts to cover up.

“I’d like to see that later, but some time. Later.” Then, I realized that I was getting nervous. Talking just to cover it, which is why it took so long to realize how nervous I was, but not stalling. “Huh, put the other one on.” I held my bare arm out, and even closed my eyes. Feeling the rough leather, especially when it pulled tight, and how hot my pants were.

Compared to the rest of my body, I never felt “Hot pants” literally before. For one thing, in fashion that usually means tight shorts, but then it started to bother me. “Huh, take my pants off, they’re really bothering me. They feel so hot, and I don’t know why.”

“It’s starting to turn you on.” He nodded, and got started on the buttons.

“No, not that kind of hot.”

“No, it’s a different feeling. Getting turned on by bondage, it doesn’t feel like regular sex.”

“Huh, you’re right!” I shook my head, “But it’s not even sex yet. You haven’t even tied me up yet.” I felt the links, hanging from the cuffs, and put them together. “Huh! Oh god, I’m starting to feel it. You’re right, this is why you tied yourself up, right?”

Snap! “Uh, I’m dizzy, maybe I better go lay down.”

“There’s no words to describe it, so don’t worry about trying to think of them.”

“You’re right, just linking them together. Why does it feel like this?” I pulled them, so the links pulled tight. “It’s incredible.”

“Lay down.” He grabbed them, and held them up.

“MH!” My eyes went wide, once he had my arms up against the wall. “Huh!”

He nodded, and touched my lips. “Shhhhh!”

My heart beat out of control, but this wasn’t some masked stranger, breaking into our home, to grab me in bed, and wake up to. This was, “Kevin?” I tried to struggle, “Uh, let me go, I don’t like it, I’m scared!”

“Oh,” he felt my hair, and kissed me. Lay down beside me, and held me. Most importantly, he let go of the cuffs, so I could get my arm under his neck, and try to unlock them. Awkwardly. “I’m sorry. I told you I’d never done this before, and I knew I’d take it too far!”

“No, it’s okay, I just had panic attack, but it wasn’t you. I’m sorry.”

“Well, we’re both sorry, but that killed the mood.” He started getting up.

“No, oh no. Don’t stop, I still have to know.”

“Look, this is just a minefield. So, even if I step lightly, there’s no telling when I’m going to trigger you again like that.”

“It’s okay. I like it now, it was kind of a thrill, and I’m even more excited now. Don’t leave me like this.” I reached up, and held onto the headboard. “Pull my pants off.” I nodded.

While he was doing that, it gave me time to think, but I bit my lip. Thinking that my talking might set him off, when honestly, that wasn’t the case. It was just a little too much like a nightmare, or a slasher movie. That gave me nightmares, and that’s normal.

I never had rape fantasies before, and add that to the list of things that just confused me whenever I heard about it. He always came in with a knife or something. Not Kevin, the murderer. Those scenes were always in horror, thrillers, or murder mysteries, but sitting back in the theater, or out on the couch.

“Huh!” Finally, I could take a full breath. “Huh!” When my pants came off, and he let go of my legs. I love his body, of course he does crossfit, and he always looked so strong, but I’d never felt it quite like that. Whenever he picked me up, to hug, and kiss me, and even spin around with my legs kicking around, I just felt so light, but then he was on top of me.

“Uh, don’t. Stop, no.” I caught my breath. “I’m just saying that uh.” I realized something. “Do you have a safe word?”

“I never needed one. I’ve only ever done this myself.”

“Well,” I tried to remember. “Goose? Huh, I think I get that now.”

He laughed, “Goose?”

“No, I know it sounds silly, but hang on a minute.” I let go of the headboard to put my arms over his shoulders again. “It doesn’t matter what I say, it just has to be something I wouldn’t say, so you know when I really mean to stop.”

“So, you can say stop without stopping me.” He nodded, “Goose is fine.”

“I think I’m getting into it, but you’re not wearing a mask.” I felt my wrists held together, even as I felt his face, and his hair. “So, I know that it’s you, but if I forget. I don’t know how I could ever forget it’s you. I love you, and I trust you, and I know that you won’t hurt me, you don’t even have to say it.”

He nodded, “But you feel the risk. Even though it isn’t a real risk, it feels real enough.”

“Huh!” I actually laughed, “Ah hah? It feels more real than anything I’ve ever felt before.” Which just reminded me of something that cutters say. To the effect that they want to feel something, but at some point I just gave up. Now, I realized that I couldn’t get a satisfactory answer from them, any of them, because they aren’t one.

Isn’t one, or aren’t any? “I’m overthinking, I think. Huh!” I put my hands up again. “I’m ready to go on, but don’t stop this time. Get on top of me again, god you are heavy!”

I always liked cowgirl, but that was just, common sense? I’m lighter, there wasn’t any power trip, about being on top. I never wanted to dominate him, I just didn’t want to be crushed. Before now. “Huh, you’re crushing me, I can’t breathe.”

“Liar, if you couldn’t breathe, you couldn’t talk.”

“Uh, I.”

“Sh.” He covered my mouth. Gently. “You want me to gag you?”

“Mhn!” I shook my head.

“You know that I can, maybe I should go get the ball gag.”

“No, don’t. You don’t have to do that, and how can I say the safe word, I can’t speak?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“MH!”

“God, you can’t help it can you? You always have to be the smartest person in the room, and talk over everyone, don’t you?”

“Mhm?” I shook my head, but I knew what he was doing, and it was working. He didn’t really believe that, he loves me, and the way I talk. I don’t nag him, and I never bothered him about putting the seat down, because I never had to.

“Huh!” Because his Mother had him so well trained!

“Good, you can learn. When you shut your fucking mouth.”

“Uh!”

“It’s okay, you can moan.”

“UhH!” It felt so good, just to moan.

“You can scream all you want just don’t let go.”

“No, I won’t. Don’t stop. UGH!” He let go, and pulled his hand out with a snap. My waistband snapped back over my pubes like the door of a cell slamming.

“You don’t get to tell me when to stop. You hear me? Sh.” His finders slipped over my mouth, and I could smell them.

“Snh!” My lust all over them.

“Shut,” he lifted them, and tapped my lips. “Up.”

I nodded, obediently.

“Not another word,” I wanted to tell him I was sorry, and how proud of him I was, how good he was getting at this, and how much I love him now that he was sharing it with me, but I bit my lip. Obediently.

I don’t crave this. Obedience, submission, I’d just never felt it before. Like his strong arms. I’d felt his muscles, and gripped the headboard harder to keep from reaching out to his hard bicep, but I’d never felt helpless before him.

At his mercy, I knew he could be merciful, but I’d never actually tested it before. I knew that he was strong, but I’d never actually felt him hold both of my arms down, one handed before. Both my legs down so I couldn’t even kick with my pants, and with him on top of me. Pressing his fingers inside me so hard, and rough, and fucking me.

“Go ahead and scream.”

“Auh auh fuck! HUH! FUCK AIGH AIGH AIGH!”

…

“Huh!” I shook my head. “Kev?” He came back in from the bathroom. “What happened?”

“You passed out.” Stopped scrubbing his hair, and dropped the towel.

“Fuck, I missed it?”

“Your orgasm? I don’t know, you seemed to be awake for the start of it, but then you passed out.”

“Huh, I don’t even know what you did to me. You fingered me? You never fingered me like that before.”

“Of course I did. Exactly the way you like it.”

“But you’re so rough.”

“Not any rougher than usual. You mean, you don’t remember fucking me?”

“Of course I do?” I sat up, and felt my wrists. My bare wrists. “You’re not gaslighting me.”

“Of course not.” He sat down, and held me. He hugged me, and kissed me. “I thought you’re doing it on purpose.”

“What?”

“Holding me down, and fucking me? Dominating me, and you’re rougher in bed than that. You always were, that’s how you always brought me off. You’re like an animal, hasn’t anyone ever told you that?”

“Yeah, but.” I shook my head. “I thought they’re joking.” I even heard myself, remembered laughing it off, and saying you must be joking.

He kissed me again. “Huh, well you’re a natural top I guess. But you’ve never been on the bottom before?”

“Huh, no. I’m starting to think that I like it, too?”

I never realized it before, but I suppose I was in denial, for years. I am a dominatrix, I just didn’t want to think about it, because it always sounded so kinky. Perverted, and sick but of course.

That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

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