Sex helps with anxiety

How I lost my virginity and found a way to deal with my anxiety

I hadn’t been home for more than 20 minutes, but I was already starting to feel the anxiety creeping over me. As most of the time my parents argued with my brother, he is 19 years old, that is four years older than me, he probably had problems with drugs before I was old enough to fully understand what drugs are. Most days in our house were two ways; either my parents worried where he was, and gave me no attention or love, or they argued with him, and gave me no attention or love. This caused me to have very low self-esteem and struggled with anxiety basically every day. I had tried to get into the girl gang in class and also become one of the football team but it hadn’t worked. My classmates, and teammates, noticed that there was something different about me and I had a hard time letting them into my life, which of course did not help the situation.

Therefore, I spent a lot of time in my room or out walking our dog, it was one of the few times life felt okay and manageable. My anxiety increased and increased the more fragile it became at home. On this particular Tuesday, neither dog walks nor anything else helped. I felt alone and forgotten, in an attempt to forget and quell the anxiety I sat at my desk and tried to find someone to chat with, I only had a couple of friends in class and none of them responded when I typed. I decided to make an account on Tinder , I had to trick a bit with the account as you actually have to be 18 years old to become a member, but in the end I managed to follow some guide on Google and managed to create an account. As I wanted someone to write with, the age range wasn’t so important so I chose from 20 to 60, uploaded a picture that was taken last year when I was on an international match on Friends with my dad which I thought was nice. They only saw my face and my blonde hair that went down to my shoulders. In the profile I wrote “Forgotten girl, need someone to talk to”.

It didn’t take long before I received notices that I received “superlikes” from several boys and men. I didn’t pay for Tinder but mostly swiped right on everyone for fun. Started texting quite quickly with a few guys, most of them seemed pretty boring and wrote very briefly or just nagging about seeing each other. I deleted all the uninteresting chats and started writing with an older man who had given me a superlike. His name was Marcus and he took the time to ask how I was, how I was doing at home and at school. He gave me confirmation and attention, something I really needed. So it continued for a few days, he wrote with me most of the time and was there. At the same time, he told a little about himself, he wrote that he was divorced, had a child who mostly lived with his mother.

Eventually Marcus started asking more intimate things, he wanted to know if I had a boyfriend, if I had had sex. I wrote that I had not had a boyfriend and that I was a virgin. Marcus asked if we could talk on the phone, we added each other on Snap and he called me there. As usual even when he wrote he asked how I was and so on, gave me support and compliments. A while into the conversation, Marcus asked if I was really 18 years old, he thought I looked younger. I said as it was that I was 15, that I would be 16 in a couple of months and asked if he wanted to stop talking to me. I felt ashamed that I lied, it felt like I let him down. He replied that he absolutely did not want to stop talking to me, that he would always be there for me and help me with my feelings. He suggested that we could meet at his house some day, he could cook and then we could talk for real. I replied that I wanted to think about it, which he thought was perfectly fine.

The following week it was time for school graduation, I had reminded my parents several times that all parents would come and that they needed to do it too. When they didn’t come, I was so incredibly sad, I felt betrayed and completely abandoned. I left school as fast as I could, I sat on a park bench in a place where not many people was and sent a Snap to Marcus where you could see a tear running down my cheek. Within a minute he called me, I explained what had happened. He wanted me to tell him where I was so he could pick me up. He thought we should go to his place and celebrate my graduation. I asked if he wasn’t at work, then he said he had comp time to take. He sounded so nice, and it felt like he genuinely cared about me, so I said it would be nice and told me where I was. It would take him like 20 minutes to drive there, he told me to go to the nearest bus stop in a while. His car was supposed to be a black Toyota and the license plate started at something I can’t remember. I remained on the bench and thought about whether I should really go with him. I didn’t really know much about him, of course he had sent a picture

on Snap so I knew he was about average height, slightly overweight and bald. He looked like most people his age, according to his profile on Tinder he was 56.

I decided to go up to the bus stop as he should be there soon, thought I’d go along but I could cancel everything if it didn’t feel right. It still sounded nice to be able to talk to him for real, and to get food. Everyone else in the class was probably eating lunch with their parents at that time and here I was forgotten as usual. Marcus saw me anyway, was there when no one else was.

Suddenly a black Toyota pulls up and my thoughts of anxiety dissipate for the moment. I walk up to the car, open the passenger door and jump in. Hello, says Marcus, nice that you wanted to come to my house and how nice to see you for real. Looking up at him and cheering back. Tells that it feels good that he wanted to be with me. Of course little lady, he says, now we’ll go to my place and eat something good. During the car ride we talked about what had happened and Marcus comforted me. Once we arrived at his residential area, he parked in a garage under the apartment building, we took the elevator up to the fifth floor which felt like an eternity. I felt nervous but Marcus seemed so determined about it all. We stepped out of the elevator, he unlocked the door and welcomed me in. I walked in with tentative steps, put my purse in the hall and took off my shoes. Marcus kicked off his shoes and gave me a long hug. Now everything will be fine, he said, he showed me around the apartment. It was small and one bedroom was decorated as a girl’s room. It wasn’t too different from my room at home. Marcus said it was his daughter’s room, she was “a few years younger than me” as he put it. Now, however, it had been a while since she slept with him, he told me without going into the whole thing in more detail. The kitchen and living room looked quite modern, the apartment felt quite newly renovated. We passed by his bedroom, I saw that there was a double bed and a wardrobe wall that also served as a mirror wall on the wall behind the foot of the bed.

In the kitchen there was a small kitchen island where I sat while Marcus fried two pieces of meat and made another salad. We ate the food and talked, Marcus reached out and took my hand in his. He said I meant a lot to him and he would help me, I could trust him as he said. He removed the dishes and suggested that we sit on the couch. We sat next to each other, Marcus put an arm around me and urged me to lean against him. I laid my head on his chest and he stroked my hair.

After a moment of cuddling he started caressing my leg, first the outside for a few minutes, then he adjusted my legs so he could caress the inside of the thigh, he caressed quite innocently for a while longer before his hand found its way further up and a bit inside my skirt which I was wearing. I didn’t know what to think, I understood deep down that Marcus probably wanted to do something with me, but I had mostly gone there to talk and to be with someone. He now caressed my thigh and came a little further up every now and then. Finally he reached the edge of my panties, he caressed along the edge and I felt a couple of his fingertips find their way inside the edge. Suddenly I feel how he finds his way into my blouse with his other hand, he puts his hand on my right breast and cups my breast. “You’re so beautiful,” he whispers in my ear. “Do you feel anxious even now when we’re having such a good time?” Yes, I replied. “One thing that helps with anxiety is sex, I know you’re a virgin but I think you should let me make it nice for you so you can reduce your anxiety”. I didn’t know what to answer, I was still sad and felt bad. I trusted Marcus and thought he wouldn’t lie to me, he had said he only wanted to help me. After a short while, I replied that he was being nice and that if it was true that sex would help, maybe we could try. He continued to caress me and also brought his hand to my pussy, he caressed me outside the panties for a little while.

He then told me to follow him into the bedroom. We got up from the couch and went into his bedroom, I sat on the bed with my back to the window. He walked around the bed and pulled down the blinds. When he came around again he unbuttoned his polo shirt, took it off and hung it on a hook on the bedroom door. His belly was quite big, he wasn’t very hairy but had some hair on his chest. He then unbuttoned his shorts but left them on. I remained seated on the edge of the bed as he knelt in front of me. He put his hands under my skirt, grabbed my panties and pulled them off. “Cute” he praised before throwing them on a chest of drawers in the bedroom. Now he stood up and took off my blouse. He unbuttoned my bra and put it on the dresser as well. “How big are your breasts?” b cup I answered. He grabbed one breast and squeezed it a little as he asked if it was nice. I just answered “yeah”, not because I thought it was particularly nice, but because it was probably meant to be. He probably wanted to hear that it was nice and I wanted to make him happy.

After a little while he let go of my chest and took off his shorts, I could see there was a bulge under his boxers before he told me to stand up. He now grabbed my skirt and pulled it off, I took off my socks as it felt ridiculous just to be wearing them. The skirt and socks ended up in a corner. Marcus asked me to spin around, he grabbed my waist and hugged me from behind. I felt his cock against my ass while his hands mostly went everywhere on my body. “You’re so beautiful, I’m so glad you’re here. You don’t need to be nervous”. I’m glad to be here too, I replied. He caressed the top of my pussy and asked if I used to be clean shaven or if I did it in case we met? I thought the question was strange as I had not meant our relationship to be sexual. Said as it was that I thought it was fresher to be clean shaven, me too he replied. He spun me around in his arms and caressed my bottom. Your butt is sexy, he said, I knew the butt in particular was nice and it was the body part I was most satisfied with. Playing football and walking had helped with that. He released me from his grip and asked me to remove his underwear. I gently and tentatively grabbed the boxer shorts with one hand and pulled them down, getting them down enough for him to kick off. Now we were both naked in front of each other. I with my 167cm and petite body looked small compared to him, he was 15-20cm taller than me and probably weighed 40-45kg more. He looked old, I was young. The contrast was strange, especially when I remembered that he had a daughter my age.

He brought me back from my thoughts when he grabbed my hand and brought it to his penis, for the first time I felt a man. Noticed how my feather-light touch made him flinch, how his cock got bigger. I now almost instinctively grabbed it and began to pull it gently. Bosse moaned out a “Mmm” at the same time as he started to feel rock hard. Get into bed, he ordered me. I did as he said, but misunderstood. I lay down with my head on the pillow he wanted me to lay across the bed with my legs towards him. I adjusted my position, he grabbed my legs and pulled me closer to the edge. Then he knelt down and kissed my left thigh, he looked up and said that he would make it nice for me “Then it will be easier later”. He didn’t explain exactly what “later” was, but I assumed he meant when he would penetrate me. He continued to kiss me up my thigh, he then kissed me down there which felt very strange. I almost started giggling as I thought it tickled. He continued to kiss me and then touched me with his fingers. Then he started licking and kissing my clitoris. Even though everything felt strange, at the same time I didn’t feel my anxiety as much. It felt good to be in his grasp, to feel desirable, his treatment also felt quite nice. He continued to lick me for a while longer, then he ran a finger along my slit. He parted my labia with his finger and said I was wet, and yes I was, maybe not as wet as when I fondled myself but pretty close. He asked me to sit up and took a step forward so he was standing close enough that his cock was near my mouth. Suck on the cock a little, he said, I leaned forward and opened my mouth. He grabbed his penis and guided it towards my mouth. I let him enter my mouth, he didn’t really taste anything special. He felt warm in my mouth, I began to suck tentatively but as best I could. Mind your teeth little lady I hear him say when it felt a little too big in my mouth. He took another small step towards me, placed his right hand on my back and now controlled the pace and depth carefully but at the same time firmly. Suddenly he took a step back and asked me to stop. He asked if I was taking birth control pills, he had already asked that when we chatted but he must have forgotten or he wanted to make sure even though I already answered that I was using birth control pills when we chatted, my mother had thought it was a good idea to start taking birth control pills soon after I turned 15, also it helped with period pains. Just answered “Yes” and he seemed happy like that.

“Lie on your back,” he said. I did as he said, he knelt on the bed in front of my legs. “Spread your legs little lady”. I parted and noticed how he looked at me, at my face, my breasts and finally my most sacred. He came a little closer and caressed my pussy, then he caressed my clitoris. “You’re so wet baby, you must be really hungry to get fucked?” I didn’t know what to answer and just got out a counter question “Are you going to have sex with me now?” I will, he replied.

Jump in a little more towards me he said. I did as he said, he put his hand between my knees and spread my legs again. He straightened up and I felt his cock against my opening, felt him press against me. He stopped and let his cock rest between my inner labia, it hurt a little but still felt okay. He asked if everything went well, I nodded in response. He penetrated me another centimeter. I winced at the pain and he stopped for a few more seconds. Then he pushed the rest of himself into me and I couldn’t help but let out a small scream. “You are so talented, he praised me. “It will only hurt a little for a while.” He stayed inside me for a moment before he pulled away and began to fuck me with rhythmic thrusts. I think back to how I felt in the moment, not exactly excited, or feeling like there was something special about sex. However, I also didn’t feel my usual anxiety with him in me, for me it was satisfaction in itself to feel something else. Damn how beautiful you are, I heard Marcus say and suddenly I was back in the present, my thoughts dispersed. Does it still hurt, he asked. A little, I replied. Think about your breathing and if it helps you can try to think about something else, Marcus replied. And I kind of did, I thought about how I got here. How I knew deep down where it would lead when I contacted Marcus. How desperate I was to be validated, to feel something – anything – besides my anxiety. Marcus enjoying me and my body only confirmed in my broken mind that this was what I was good at. That this was how I could manage my everyday life, my mood. While Marcus moaned and snorted a little uncomfortably close to my ear and I felt his now even bigger cock thrust into me while his sweat landed on my body, I understood that this would not be the last time I gave myself to men. I had now found a way to manage my mood.

Suddenly he pulls out of me and rolls me around on my stomach. Marcus lies down and supports his thighs against my ass, he slides into me again while I’m pressed against the mattress. Marcus puts a hand on my head and lightly presses it against the pillow while Marcus says that I was a good “fuck doll” and that’s what I felt like. Despite my complete lack of experience, I understood that we weren’t making love, we were fucking, or rather, Marcus was fucking me. At this point I couldn’t think of anything else, I felt every thrust, heard every moan, felt every drop of sweat hitting my back. While Bosse took my virginity in an increasingly frenzy, I began to think about all the practicalities. Could I borrow the shower when he was done? Would I be able to pretend like everything was as usual at the dinner table (if we were to eat together, it was not a usuall thing to do of course in our family) I at least had experience of pretending in front of my parents, I would not have wanted to burden them with my mood and had managed to hide it from them.

Again I am drawn back to the present and the bed by one of Marcus many comments, this time he wanted to inform me that he was close. It took me a second to understand what he meant by close, when I realized the meaning I expected him to pull his cock out and squirt somewhere on me, probably my back as it seemed easiest from the position. But that wasn’t his intention, instead he started to take me harder and he pushed himself even deeper into me. After a short while I feel him twitch, put his left arm around my chest and jerk 4-5 times deep into me as he pulls my body against his. I understand, and feel that he is coming, it feels sticky and wet between my legs. I feel sore and am quite pleased that it must be over soon. Marcus remains on top of me for a while and I feel him relax inside me. Finally he rolls off me and lies down next to me. I wasn’t sure what to do so I lay on my stomach for a while. Marcus says “Come” and I roll over and rest my head on his chest. Marcus first strokes my hair and then lightly scratches my back. He then starts telling me how nice it was to fuck me, he asks if it hurt a lot. It hadn’t so I said it had gone well. Then he says something that will never be forgotten: “What’s a shame about this is that I can’t tell anyone that I fucked a 15-year-old, the colleagues at work would have snapped, then i’d have been fired.” I never found myself in his words so they remained unanswered. Instead, he continued his verbal assault by asking if I felt my anxiety during sex. I hadn’t done that, so I said no. Marcus then told me that I would probably sleep with many men in the future and that I would make those men happy. Then he said I could go to the shower when I felt ready, that he hung up a bath towel for me. I stayed for a while on his chest before I staggered into the bathroom and took a shower. Marcus had just hung up a towel so I made sure not to get water in my hair but I showered my body thoroughly, wrapped the towel around me and went to the bedroom. Marcus had put on a shirt gown and gave me a hug. I put on my clothes and then we said goodbye, I left the apartment and headed home.

For the first time in a long time, I had dinner with my parents without feeling overcome with anxiety. I was sore down there and it was a little uncomfortable to sit on our wooden chairs but I made sure to eat something quickly. I was used to playing the perfect daughter, so it wasn’t a big concern to hide what happened, my parents probably thought everything was as usual. As soon as I ate I went to my room. Logged into Tinder and once there a message from Marcus was waiting, thanking me for a nice time and he wanted me to contact him when I wanted to meet again. I was absolutely certain that I would give myself to more men but didn’t know then and there if I would see him again. So replied thanks the same and added that kissing away heart emoji.

After that I tackled some schoolwork I had as I absolutely did not want to let go of the illusion of the perfect daughter I was so sure my parents thought I was. Might as well keep up that illusion so they could continue to neglect me and give my brother all the focus. After I finished studying, I got ready and quickly fell asleep, although I still felt sore. The anxiety had in any case been blown away for a few hours and that was all I needed to think I had found the perfect solution. I would continue to play the perfect girl and when the anxiety became too palpable, all I had to do was look for men who wanted to be seen, it seemed undeniably easy to find them. There would be more meetings with men, you will be able to read about these in the future.

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