what am i?

a high school girl ponders what she is and where she’s going

i don’t know anymore. i graduated from high school yesterday and i feel nothing really. a man sent me champagne reminding me what i am. even though i’m not sure what that is anymore. i probably need his champagne. maybe i’m just a drug for men with money and an addiction. or maybe i’m the addict. can a barely eighteen year old girl be addicted to pain and pleasure and degradation? to pornography? why these insatiable cravings? sometimes i stay up in the dark watching blow-bang videos jonesing for semen and pain and abuse like the worst junkie. i went to a graduation party last night at a friend’s house but felt like i was under water in a large crowd of people. i didn’t care. i don’t really hang out with high school guys but if they were more perceptive they would have recognized my condition and aspirations and vulnerability and found somewhere to take me. like the finished basement. i would have gone with them. i would have let them all have a turn with me. the story would have read like this: “at least a dozen drunken eighteen year old guys gang banged a quiet, pretty little stuck-up nerd named kacey at a high school graduation party, leaving evidence of vaginal penetration and sodomy, both anal and oral, and leaving her bleeding and bruised, with traces of semen from multiple men found in and on her body and on her clothes and a sofa and carpet in a finished basement.” but they missed their opportunity to enjoy the fun of a consensual gang rape of a slightly drunken little blonde classmate. they didn’t notice that i was asking for it, wearing a short tight skirt and braless. oblivious, they left me alone in an unfulfilled dream. i didn’t sleep much after i got home, but lay in my bed in the dark drinking more from little bottles of grey goose and watching rough, degrading porn through wet glassy eyes, thinking about what could have happened. hoping to feel better, i walked to the car dealer’s place early this morning, hungover, with my graduation gown and cap in my backpack so i could wear it for him while i was on my knees sucking his sixty-two-year-old cock and letting him rub his cock and balls all over my lips and face and finally swallowing a big mouthful of his cum. all of that so he would give me an extra two hundred dollars as a graduation gift. and maybe because it’s something i wanted anyway. and, as i’m writing this, i have at least three other men i know who want to give me graduation gifts today. one is my work daddy, i don’t know what else to call him. i’m supposed to meet him later this sunday afternoon at his private office. he hasn’t fucked me since memorial day when he and then his friend employed me for that purpose. the other two men want me to meet them tonight around nine at a hotel to give me a little something. while my mom thinks i’m making the rounds of graduation parties, all these kind men want to congratulate me privately with cum and money. just fill me with semen and send me off to college. and be sure to remind them when i’ll be home to visit my mom because they’ll want to see me. and i know i won’t hurt their feelings. i’ll arrive on time later this afternoon and, again, tonight and i’ll say thank you and eagerly accept every hard inch and every warm creamy spoonful and every well-earned dollar of their generosity. and i’ll think about all these things again tomorrow. and dream about more things to come. i’m sure new york city can always use one more little whore.

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