Reparative Therapy Helped Me

Reparative Therapy helped me retrain my brain and feel better.

My senior year of high school I started having sex with other guys at school and eventually realized I was gay. I ended up coming out to my extremely religious parents, and they took it horribly. A few months after I told them, they said they had found someone who specialized in conversion therapy and could help me overcome these “thoughts and feelings.” At the time I had no idea what conversion therapy was, but I ended up agreeing just so I could attempt to keep some sort of relationship with my parents until I could move out after high school (I was already 18 at the time, but needed to finish school).

I ended up doing conversion therapy with this guy through our church for about six months. At first, everything seemed normal. We would just have regular therapy sessions and he would ask me about my feelings about men, my thoughts about religion or God, and if I had any past trauma that could’ve been triggering my “homosexual thoughts.” But after a month or two of just therapy, it got more intense and invasive. This guy started to give me pornographic magazines and videos and told me to masturbate to them when I was at home. However, I had major trouble doing this as I just wasn’t attracted to the images and videos. When I told him this, we started his hypnosis program. At first, he would just have me listen to these “bi-neural beats” that would put me into a trance. I can’t remember what he was doing while I was under, but I remember I started to have extremely vivid dreams of either myself having sex with a woman, or scenes from some of the porn movies he had given me. I felt like I was actually living them in real life. I was embarrassed because after every session I would wake up the hardest erection I ever had and usually had cum in my underwear. He told me that this was a sign the program was working. For weeks after our hypnosis sessions, I would continue to have these vivid dreams every night and would have some of the best orgasms I’ve ever experienced while sleeping. I’m now 30 years old and I still think about those dreams lol.

We continued to normal therapy, as well as hypno-therapy, but would also do what he called “retraining masturbation.” He would leave me alone in his office and would let me listen to the “bi-neural” beats, but would put on either a porn movie, or a slideshow of flashing lights and pictures for me to masturbate to. He was never in the room with me, but asked me to show him proof that I had ejaculated to the site of a man and a woman having sex. At first, he would only ask me to cum once before turning off the movie or slideshow, but then had me work my way up to three or four ejaculations before ending our sessions. He also provided me with “toys that felt like vagina” to help me with my masturbation, which actually really helped me.

I know typical conversion therapy can be really harmful to some, but I actually found that this method worked for me. After the six months of this therapy, he told me to try having sex with a girl from school. Eventually I did, and I ended up really enjoying it. I also continued to masturbate to heterosexual porn daily and to listen to my hypnosis tapes that he had recorded for me for months after that. Although this therapy didn’t “turn me straight” I was able to stop having obsessive and invasive gay thoughts and now have sex with both men and women, but am currently in a long term relationship with a female. Has anyone else had any experiences similar to mine? I genuinely feel alone sometimes because a lot of conversion reparative therapy get a bad rep and is misconstrued, but what I went through really helped me come to terms with myself and the natural feeling of being with a woman.

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