2 Cute

Trigger Warning: This one starts out with an excerpt of the most disturbing thing you could possibly read. Just for context…

“Several times every day and night he spanked them – tortured them – to make their meat good and tender. First he killed the 11 yr old boy, because he had the fattest ass and of course the most meat on it. Every part of his body was cooked and eaten except Head – bones and guts. He was roasted in the oven, (all of his ass) boiled, broiled, fried, stewed. The little boy was next, went the same way…”

~Albert Fish in a letter to Grace Budd.

“HUH!” I held my breath, and my fingers went weak. I relaxed, and let the pain get washed away by the pleasure, rushing up over my body.

“Huh.” I let it out, as soon as I was sure that I wouldn’t moan. I had to shake my fingertips out of the novelty teeth. Halloween teeth, plastic Dracula fangs, and felt the indents they left in my flesh.

“Whew!” As soon as I could open my eyes, I turned over to get the mirror off of my bedside. Kicked the covers off, and held it up, to look at my work. I didn’t draw blood, of course. The fangs are too blunt to actually pierce flesh, but the welts between my legs hadn’t popped back out yet.

Let alone bruised again, but I could find the ragged green dots by feel. Even before they filled up again, and turned purple, to slowly fade back to green, but they never got a chance to go away.

“Snh!” I blinked, and wiped salty snot off my lip. Tears from my eyes, and sat up to feel the wet hair at my temples. Tuck them back behind my ears.

“Huh!” I’m not Goth. I never even went through a Goth phase, and I only talked to the Goth girls long enough to find out what they really were.

Pretenders. I hesitate to even call them Poseurs. That’s just a little too trendy for them, I’m not going to insult Posers, nor them. It’s just not my scene, I’m too dark for them, they’re too edgy for me, I can’t stand their dreadful music. The Cure, Bauhaus, Sisters of Mercy, “Um…” HIM? I think, whatever that band is with a logo that’s like a pentagram, with a heart in it?

I shook my head, and laughed at myself. “My heart isn’t in it.” It felt good, to laugh. It felt good to climax, pinching my labia together with novelty teeth, because I can’t get anyone else to bite me.

“Bite me.” I vaguely remember that being some kind of insult, but I got in trouble at school for that. Some boy gave me the finger, and told me to bite him.

Yeah, well I hide it well. Was that the first time? I actually bit someone, other than myself. I just bit his arm, since he held it up for me. “She bit me!” He told the principal in the office.

“You told me to!”

“Well, I didn’t mean it!” He definitely didn’t think that I would do it, because I hide it so well. I don’t bite people. I know I’m not supposed to, as much as I want to, but sometimes, they make it too easy to resist.

No idea what that boy’s name is. It was so long ago that I can’t even remember if anyone told me. I’m sure the principal called him by name, or the secretary in the office when she said we could go in to talk to the principal.

“Well, he gave me the finger! He’s lucky I didn’t bite that off.”

“Nevertheless, you can’t go around biting people.”

“I know,” I hung my head.

“And you shouldn’t be surprised if you provoke someone, they just might surprise you. I have to make an example of you, though.”

She didn’t want to smile, and she shook her head, but she didn’t laugh.

“Oh!” He wined, but I giggled.

“I can’t have other kids biting each other, so call your mom. You, wait outside.”

She tuned the phone around, so I could dial. “It’s ringing.”

“We’re sorry, but the number you have dialed is disconnected, or no longer in service. Please hang up, and try again.”

“Hi mom. I’m sorry, but I got in a fight at school. He started it, but I’m being sent home, can you come pick me up?” I nodded, and covered the receiver. “She’s at work, can I walk home?”

“I suppose I can find you a ride.”

“It’s okay, I walk home all the time.” I hung up before it started making that EHEHEHEHEHEHN! Noise.

That was years ago, but it takes me back. Now, I’m in middle school. About to become a teenager, and the bite marks are starting to hurt.

So, I can look at myself in the mirror. “Wipe that dirty grin off your face.”

“Make me!”

“Uhn!” I just closed my eyes, and turned away. I saw enough, and I better stop talking to myself before somebody comes up, and catches me. Talking to myself, you want them to think you’re crazy? Why I don’t wear black, I don’t want anyone to even suspect how dark I really am on the inside.

I picked up the library book off the floor, where I dropped it, and saved my place. [Serial Killer Confessions.] Stuffed it under my mattress, and got out my notebook. The pictures I’d drawn, mostly in pencil, but some of it in crayon, or ink. Red ink, if I could borrow a teacher’s pen, might as well hide that under there, too.

All right, I stole it. They get 5 more in a pack of 36 pens, so it’s not like they’ll miss it, but I know that’s wrong too. Let’s just start with what I’m not:

I’m not a serial killer, I’m not a child molester, I’m not a sadist, gay, bisexual, transgender, I’m not even a crossdresser. I’m a girl, almost a teenage girl, and down to counting the weeks till my birthday.

So, I can celebrate, and watch a PG13 movie? Ooh! So, they don’t just get to say “Shit” once. Ahhhh! Big deal.

“Huh!” I don’t want to fill up the paper with the same thing, over and over again. I’m avoiding the subject. I used to have a boyfriend, and then I took it too far. Too many times until it wasn’t fun enough for him any more, so he broke up with me.

So, now I’m left with reading the letter Albert Fish wrote to the mother of his victims, to tell her how he died. How they got rid of the body, and he liked to roast the buttocks whole. That was the most tender part.

I’m not a cannibal either, but I’m not trying long pork because I’m not a cannibal. I’m afraid that if I did try it, I might like it too much. I’m not a Vampire either, but if I bite hard enough to draw blood, I got used to the taste. I started to like it, especially the way it tingles on your tongue when you suck it fresh from the wound.

I could check out Red Dragon again, but I won’t. I read it enough times that it’s not even exciting any more. “Ever seen blood in the moonlight? It appears quite black.”

The problem is that I have just enough in common with people like Albert Fish, Ed Gein, Jame Gumb, Frances Dollarhyde, and Hannibal Lecter that I can understand them, and that’s scary. I don’t know what I’m capable of, and that’s scary, too. I find myself rooting for the wrong team, because I don’t have as much in common with Will Graham, Clarice Starling, and Catherine Martin, because I’m not a victim.

“Huh! That’s why my heart wasn’t in it.” He was my victim, and I couldn’t respect him enough to love him for it. So, it was mostly about sex, but also about control. Not the way you think, I never tried to control him. I just needed somebody I could hurt. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but I wanted to bite them.

Okay, I want to bite Her, and it’s driving me nuts. Carol [Surname Redacted] I’m not a lesbian, either. The thing is that a bear doesn’t care what kind of pig she gets. She just pounces, and kills them. She doesn’t check between their legs, she just rips them open to get out their guts, and down to the meat. If she has cubs, than she takes some home to them, or just nurses them if she’s still making milk.

“Uh!” I don’t know, but I can guess. At least 30″ and C cups, but on her, they look like 36DDs, in middle school. 8th grade, and already 13, but she’s got plenty of boyfriends. She just uses them up, and spits them out, but they’re lined up out the door, and down the hall, because they heard that she’s a sure thing. Hopefully, she won’t run out of virgins before the year ends, then she can start over as a freshman in high school, but I can’t judge her.

Slut shame her? No, I understand her, too. I just can’t stand to look at her, because I don’t want to hurt her.

I just want to bite her.

“Damnit!” I turn the eraser over, and rub it out, but I didn’t want to write the same thing over and over again, and I can’t control that, either. At what point does mom make my bed, and find the notebook under the mattress. With nothing but page after page of bras, boobs, bloody bite marks, and the same words over and over again.

I don’t want to hurt her, I just want to bite her.
I don’t want to hurt her, I just want to bite her.
I don’t want to hurt anyone…

;

Carol (fm)

“HUH!” I stopped and pulled back. “Hn!” He held his breath, and his knees shook. Squeezing my chest, but I gulped, as soon as it hit the back of my throat. Swallowed every drop, and pinched the bottom with my thumb. Rolled it up to my lips before it went soft, and licked the last drop before I let it slip out.

“Smooch!”

“Huh!” He panted, and caught his breath. I wiped my mouth, and crawled up to cuddle with them. Throwing my hair over his arm, so I could cradle my neck on his bicep, and run my fingers down his chest. His tummy, until it stopped bouncing like a trampoline, then twirled his pubic hairs in my fingertips.

“So,” I asked him again. “What’s she like?”

He didn’t have to ask who again, but he didn’t want to talk about it. The best time to get a boy to open up is right after you suck him off. You know, pillow talk?

“Huh, biting.”

“Ahuh?” I shook my head.

“I knew you wouldn’t believe me.”

“Oh, no I do. I knew it had to be something freaky, but now that you mention it. She’s always had this weird oral fixation.”

He scratched his nuts. “Let me up.” Slipped his arm out, so I had to prop myself up on my elbow.

“She hates me.”

“No she doesn’t. Honestly, she likes you more than anyone else.”

“No she doesn’t. She hardly even talked to me once, and whenever she looks at me. You have no idea how she looks at me.” I shook my head, and brushed my hair out of my eyes. Sat up, and grabbed a hair tie to pull it back. Don’t get me wrong, I love my hair, but it kinda gets in the way. “Can you hand me a bra?” He looked around “Top drawer, all the way on the right.”

So do they, but boys love them more than enough. I like boys, a little too much, but this one’s nice. I might even keep him, after I pump him for information. I definitely see what she saw in him.

He rubbed his neck, and took a deep breath. “Like a piece of meat?”

“Oh, my god. You mean she’s gay for me?”

“No, oh no. It’s not like that at all. She just likes you, but not like that. She cares about you, and she worries about you a lot. She’s just scared of you getting hurt.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“I’m sure you can, but I’m not even going to try, and tell you to stay away from her.”

“Why, what is she going to do?”

“Nothing, that’s why she stays away from you.” By the time I found my top, and put it on. He already had his pants, and shirt on. He just grabbed his boots, and left.

“Uh!” I got up, “Where are you going?”

“I’m sorry.” He turned around, and stopped me. Caught me by the shoulders, but then he lowered his voice. ‘i have to go.’ He leaned down, and tilted his head to the side. I closed my eyes, but first he took a deep breath, and then he kissed me. “Smooch, see you tomorrow?” I nodded, and ran back to my room, to fall back on my bed. Still half naked, and finish myself off, thinking of him.

“Huh, Humphrey.” I’m sure it’s just pillow talk. “Huh, I think I’m falling in love.”

About damned time, but I had good reason to not go out with him. He had a girlfriend, and they’d been going out together for so long. Years, at least. She was the first girl in school to have a boyfriend, and I guess I was jealous, but then I went through this.

Bulimic phase.

She caught me, and scared me into giving it up, but then I found something else to shove down my throat.

“Ugh! Kuh! Sptooh!” That got my fingers nice, and slippery, to rub it in. “Huh, it’s okay, I’m on birth control. Mhn! Inh, mhm!” I nodded. “I never done this before.”

I know it might be hard to believe that I’m still technically a virgin. Especially if he listened to what the boys say about me, but it’s true. I never went all the way, with anyone before. Even on the pill, even if they could get rubbers, I just sucked them off. “You can fuck me, yeah! Fuck me! Yes! Ah fuck me, yeah!” I never had anything but fingers, and tampons inside me. Okay, a speculum, but my gynecologist doesn’t count.

Focus, Carol. You only have.

[4:27] Maybe another 15, 20 minutes until dad comes home, and you’re never going to finish that quick, if you keep distracting yourself, but I think he just might be the one.

I’m sure she’ll probably think that I’m only going out with him to make her jealous.

;

“Mummy” (mm Talk)

I’m such a fucking coward. I just wanted to clear the air, but she got the wrong idea, then she invited me back for a blowjob, and I’m not going to turn that down.

I never got head like that before, but honestly, it was just nice to have sex. Any kind of sex, without all that crazy shit. Don’t get me wrong, I like that crazy shit too, but we never just had sex. I guess because we got into the crazy shit first.

“Hey, man. You got another cigarette?”

“Yeah,” I patted my pocket, “You need a light, too?”

“No, I got one, but do you smoke, or just play with them?”

I took a pull, stuck out my chin, and French inhaled, from my mouth to my nose. “Snh! I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”

“Girls, or homework?” I brought my bookbag, because I walked her home from school.

“Both.” I grinned, “I just broke up with my ex girlfriend, but now I’m starting to go out with this new one. So, I have to get to know her all over again.”

“Carol?” Well, he did stop me on her street. “Don’t bother, it’s probably not going to last a week.”

“Oh, you know her?”

He grabbed his crotch. “Doesn’t everyone?”

“Well, what’s she like?”

“You know, hand jobs, blow jobs, gang bangs…”

I nodded, but that’s what I heard. The problem is, I’ve talked to guys before, about sex. So, I know how they talk about sex. You don’t know what to believe, but if they say 8 inch, then I just assume it’s closer to 6.

“So what was wrong with the old one, she wouldn’t put out?”

“Huh!” I shook my head. “Too kinky, I guess.”

“Oh yeah? What’s she into?”

“Oh, you know, bondage, spanking,” biting, “The usual.”

“Haha! What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing wrong with that, I just got tired of it after a while. It took like 5 years before we ran out of new stuff, so it was just the same old scene over and over, on repeat.”

“Well, where do I find a girl like that? If I ever got my hands on a girl that wanted me to tie her up, and spank her, I’d never let her go.”

I just shook my head. “Nice talking to you.” You want to know my secret? I know he doesn’t even want to hear it, and he’s only going to talk right over me if I try to explain it, but that’s his problem.

“You know what you’re problem is, you’re too much of a pussy.”

“You are what you eat,” she just wasn’t on the rag this afternoon, but that’s what. 1 in 28? Maybe 1 in 14, if she’s on for 2 days straight.

Yeah, I was pussywhipped, but it wasn’t a problem. I’m still not over her, and I can’t stop thinking about her.

Shake my head, and uncross my arms, before somebody sees me. Licking my lips. “What you need is a little change of pace. If she’ll keep me.”

The secret is there’s no cheat code to unlock girls. There’s no magic spell, there’s nothing you can buy, in any store to make them love you. If you just want to fuck, than find a girl that just wants to fuck.

If you want a relationship, then you have to do your homework. “What’s she like?” Okay, what does she want? It doesn’t matter what girls want what does SHE want? If all it took was a dozen long stem roses, then they’d run out of roses, and rubbers.

You have to ask her, and here comes the big secret: You have to listen, then you go home, and think about it. Take notes if you have to, and then come back when you know what question to ask her next. “So, why do you like X?” Then, “How do you like it?”

Not: “You like that, don’t you?” Don’t tell her to like what you want, ask her what she needs. That’s how you learn how to satisfy her.

Of course, that dickhead was right about one thing. She’s a serial monogamist. She won’t cheat on you, she’ll just kick you to the curb, and hop in the next sack, with the next guy. I’m as willing as the next guy, but don’t get your hopes up.

I can’t help feeling like I’m cheating on her though, and if she ever found out. I don’t know what she would do.

That’s what scares me.

;

Author

Shit, something’s come up, IRL. 3B Continued…

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