Lessons in Girlhood

Intersex is more of a question of what can go wrong than. This is an absurdly ideal case.

I had a twin brother growing up, and we were inseparable for the first 10 years. We shared a room, toys, and clothes, but being Fraternal twins, we looked nothing alike.

That all changed when we’re in 5th grade, and I started puberty, first. I won’t bore you too much with the medical details, but in a nutshell, I’m female. Xx 46 with ovaries, but I somehow got some of my brother’s Testosterone in the womb, and that made me look male on the outside.

Right down to the penis, but my balls never dropped, because I didn’t have any. I had ovaries instead, that shut down until they started making Estrogen when I was 10. The first sign was little lumps I got under my nipples, which got puffy, and sensitive.

So, we went to the doctors, and they mis-diagnosed it as Gynecomastia. Until my blood tests came back, and it turned out I had pretty normal hormones. For a girl, just starting puberty, so they asked me back. Got out the Ultrasound machine to find my ovaries, and stuck them with a long needle for a biopsy. That really hurt, but there wasn’t any other way to find out, for sure.

Sure enough, that’s what they were, but I don’t have any of the other stuff inside. Like fallopian tubes, a uterus, cervix, and vagina. Just a penis, and an empty scrotum, but it took over a year for them to figure it all out, as best they can.

It turns out that being Intersex isn’t really all that rare. If you add up all the different conditions, put together, we’re about as common as left handedness. At least, that’s what the doctors say, but there’s lots of lefties at school, and as far as I know, I was the only intersex boy, or girl.

“Boy or girl?” That summer, we finished 6th grade, and I had to chose, whether to keep on growing up as a girl, or taking hormones to stop that, and eventually start taking steroids, to become a boy. We talked about it as a family, and mom always wanted a daughter, but she couldn’t have one.

Complications, of the pregnancy. Again not going into too many details, but she’s happy enough. She got done with having both of us in 1 pregnancy, and got to raise 2 little boys, until we found out I was actually a girl all along, but I had no idea how to be.

So, first we moved, out of the old apartment, and into a trailer park, where I could have my own room. For privacy, since my little lumps branched out into milk glands, and I started getting fat circles around them to soften up.

It was just easier to let it happen. Nature take this unexpected course, and start learning how to cook. I grew my hair out over the summer, it was still short, but luckily, I started middle school in the fall, as a girl.

Jenny, Kenneth was dead, or disappeared, but Jennifer had a little secret, underneath her skirts. I mean little, because without any more testosterone, it didn’t grow any more than just regular pubic hairs. So, it wasn’t hard to hide, and the girl’s room had doors on the toilet stalls, for privacy.

Which was weird, I asked my brother Barry, but he told me. Sure enough, they didn’t have doors in the boy’s room, in middle school. They still had urinals, when of course the girl’s room didn’t, but I didn’t have to learn to pee sitting down.

I’d done it all my life, when I had to take a dump. I just had to hide the fact that I could do it standing up. It was a little more complicated in a dress, or skirts, because you can’t really see what you’re doing. Unless you held it up under your chin, and then it could still fall down to get pissed on.

“Hurry up,” the girls would say, “I have to go,” but I took my time, and shook it off, in the toilet. That’s another thing, I noticed. They didn’t have the cutout in the seat, it went all the way around the front like a normal toilet seat, except the special ones in the boy’s room. C shaped, with a cutout in front. To tuck your penis in, when girls had to wipe front, and back.

I don’t guess the middle school really planned on there being a girl like me, and how could they? Even if they had an Intersex Restroom, they’d probably have to have all kinds of toilets, and urinals, for all the different kinds of ambiguous genitalia.

I got lucky there, most intersexed kids get surgery when they’re babies, when I wasn’t even circumcised. Neither one of us, “Congratulations, it’s a boy,” and then “Congratulations, it’s another boy,” a few minutes later.

It was awkward, though. Because I didn’t know how to be a girl, the first couple years I just listened to the other girls talk. I didn’t have a big sister, and mom, mostly just showed me how to cook, in the kitchen.

I guess I learned a little about girl clothes. What looks good to girls, which isn’t even close to what looks good to boys, but hiding my penis in the girl’s room turned out to be a lot easier than hiding my boobs in the boy’s room.

Not just any boys, but Middle Schoolers. I don’t remember whether or not it was the first thing I heard, the girls talking about Boys (The Bechdel Test is true. You can listen to tweenage girls for days before they start talking about boys, but they’ll get there, eventually. They just have a lot more to talk about than Just boys.)

The big surprise was it wasn’t about who was the cutest, which ones they wanted to date, kiss, or whatever. It was about “Jeremy snapped my brastrap!”

“Ugh!” I could practically hear her eyes roll with that scoff. “I hate when he does that.”

“Well did he pull your hair?”

“No, but that’s not any better.”

“I’d rather get my bra snapped then my hair pulled, but why does he do that?”

“Yeah, it hurts way worse when he pulled your hair.”

“I don’t think he pulls hair any more, when was the last time you seen him do that?”

“Last year. You’re right.”

I shook the last drops of pee out, and let the head slip back in my clit hood. Okay, it’s my foreskin, but ever since I started living as a girl, I guess I started thinking about it as my clitoris, or my pisser. It was still very much used for pissing, instead of anything else. I usually didn’t even get boners in my sleep.

Finally, I came out, and realized that the girls talking were older ones. “Uh,” I looked up, from their bigger boobs, and somehow missed them wearing highish heels, under the stall door. “Well, I guess he can get away with it.” I shrugged, when they made room to get to the sink. Wash my hands.

“You’re lucky you’ve got short hair.” One of them pointed out, and while I had my hands wet, I fingercombed it out.

“No, she’s obviously a 7th grader, so she’ll find out next year.”

“Yeah, he only picks on the 8th grade girls.”

“Well, did you think that maybe he picks on you, because you’re teenagers?”

“I’m not, I’m only 12.” My hair straightened out, I turned around, and leaned back against the sink.

“Huh,” I looked down at her shoes. You can tell a lot about a girl, by the shoes she choses to wear, and she had the highest heels, by far. I was in flats, because I don’t care about being short, and I hadn’t really gotten used to wearing heels all day. “Well, you wear high heels, so you’re as tall as the teenagers, you hang out with.”

“Well, I’m almost thirteen, and so what? It’s not like I wear high heels to make it easier to pull my bra strap.”

“That’s not what I’m saying, I don’t want to blame the victim, but you were asking how come he stopped pulling hair in 6 grade, and started pulling bra straps? Well, you’re thirteen, or practically thirteen.” I waved my hand at the 12 year old, in the high heels. “So obviously, he’s going to target the girls he knows are wearing bras.”

“Huh,” they all looked around, at each other, and somehow I had to point out the obvious. They all had boobs, not real big ones, but I guess being a girl all your life, and knowing it, you kinda forget that. It’s just normal for girls to have boobs, but for boys, well.

I know that a big part of deciding to go through with it was having boobs of my own to play with. They’re boobs, they’re fun to play with. Even if you’ve got a useless penis and can’t get it up, it’s not even sexual to me. I just got my favorite toys to play with, starting when I was 10, and they just kept getting bigger, and bigger.

“How come we never see you in class?” The 8th graders followed me out, into the hall.

“Oh, I’m in 7th grade, and I better get back to class.” They were on lunch, which is why they all got to go to the girl’s room together, while I had a hall pass, since I drank too much on 7th grade lunch.

“Well, how come you know so much about boys, in 7th grade?” They looked me over, right down to the A cups, but they didn’t say anything mean. Just because most of them were up to Bs, including the 12 year old, who was my age.

“Well, for one thing, I know Jerry. He still hangs out with my brother Barry, and he’s in the same class.”

“Wait, your brother’s Barry Walters?”

“Yeah, that means you’re also Kenny’s sister?”

“How come we never heard about them being Triplets?”

“And what happened to Kenny, anyway?” It was hard to keep track of who was saying what, with them going back, and forth, and finishing each other’s sentences. Not like twin sisters, but just like best friends.

“Huh,” I took a deep breath, “Because, we’re not triplets. We’re twins, but not identical twins, obviously. I used to be Kenny.” I held out my hand, “But now I’m Jenny.” A little scared that they’d be upset, because I didn’t really lie to them, but then again, I left out the truth. The school said it was okay for me to use the girl’s room, since we decided it was safer than a girl in the boy’s room, but at the same time, they cautioned me to hide my little secret, because it might make the other girls nervous, if they knew that there was a penis in the girl’s room.

However, it’s not like I had any friends to lose, and they asked. Kinda. “Oh,” the 12 year old shook her head, “So you got a sex change?”

“No, I just got mis-diagnosed as a boy, from birth. Then, I started puberty, and they did some tests to figure out that I was actually a girl all along.”

“No,” they didn’t believe me.

“Shut up.”

“It’s true. I don’t have the doctor’s note with me, I left it with my books in class, but I can prove it.”

“Well, how can a doctor make that mistake in the first place?”

“Yeah, you’d think that if anybody could tell the difference between a baby boy, and a girl, it’d be an OB/GYN.”

“Or a midwife.”

“Or a birth nurse.”

“You made that up, there’s no such thing as a birth-nurse, but she had a C section, so we’re born in the OR, instead of a regular. Uh.” I shook my head, “Childbirth room. It was an emergency C-section, but that’s about all I know.”

So, finally, I wound up skipping the History class, because it took a long time to explain everything on lunch, but I lucked out. Not only were the first 2 girls I got to talk to about it cool about it, they were 8th graders, and they wanted to be my friends.

My first girl-friends, and I mean that in both ways, you could take it. They were best friends, but at the same time, I had that little something extra. They were curious about, and I guess I was a little safe, for them.

Being 13 (After Arlene had her birthday) they’d seen penises before, but mostly just pictures, and the 1 flasher that always seemed to be around. They had boobs, which naturally made them a target, but since they hung out together, they happened to be together, when the dirty old man came out.

From around the corner, while they’re walking home from school. He pulled his sweat pants down, and said something like “Hey girls, you ever seen one of these?” They didn’t agree on what exactly he said, but you get the gist. He just flashed them, then ran off, but he didn’t even have a hard on. Before they could do anything, or even think of what to say, he pulled them up, and ran off. Fran giggled, and got out her computer.

“Oh yeah, it was scary at first, but.” She shrugged, and unlocked her laptop. “I guess I got used to it.”

“Show her,” Arlen sat down next to her, on the couch. We’re over at Fran’s house, since she was a latch-key girl. Her parents both worked, so we had the house to ourselves for a couple hours. We’re supposed to be doing homework, but we got to talking about men, again.

Not boys, not even teenagers in high school, but full grown men. Predatory ones, that looked at your chest, or even worse. Bumped into you, or spread their legs to show off their boners bulging. Neither one of them had been really assaulted, besides the usual bumps, and brushing against their bras, “Accidentally.” Bra strap snaps, for some reason Jerry never tried that on me, but my guess is because he knew me from back when I thought I was a boy.

“Show me what?” I went around the coffee table to sit down next to Fran on the couch.

“I met a man on the internet.” She showed me, a whole bunch of dick picks he’d sent her. Hairy, and shaved. Hard, and soft with a little semen clinging to the tip.

“You know, it’s pretty risky to talk to men like that, on the internet.”

She laughed it off, “Not really, unless he knows where you live, and he’s harmless.”

“Well, he might say that he is, but if he’s the kind of man that likes to send pictures like that to middle school girls.”

“Well, he doesn’t know I’m in 8th grade, I told him I’m sixteen.”

“And he believed you?” Arlen shook her head. “I mean I know you look a little older, but not 3 whole years older.”

“Well, he said I look young, but he never guessed how young, and besides, he lives in Canada.” She went back to the folder, and brought up another picture. “See?”

A winter picture, with snow on the ground, and out in the woods, with an older woman. Well, a full grown woman, closer to his age, and a little girl, an even littler boy, out in the woods.

“He’s married, and a father.” I noticed.

“How could you tell?” Stef elbowed me in the arm. To tell me it was a joke, but then I looked back at the woman, his wife, in the picture, and his life.

“Huh, she’s pretty, but. He hasn’t sent you any more pictures of her?”

“Not really, I mean that’s his cabin, but it’s winter up there, all ready. So, they’d have to cut a hole in the ice to fish out of.”

“Uh,” I was starting to get uncomfortable, in my panties. For the first time, I was imagining her blouse unbuttoned, enough that I could see her bra, and wondering what color it was, but even through the baggy top. You could tell that she was pretty busty, and she had it tucked into the top of a pair of jeans. Tight jeans, so you could see her hips flare out from under the bloused top, the crotch tight over her.

Well, I guess the right term for it was Camel Toe. “Yeah, those tight jeans don’t leave much to the imagination.” The whole wide seam was even tighter, so it tucked in between big fat bulges I knew weren’t fat, and my uncurling penis started swelling. Uncomfortably, I even felt the hood pull back from my clit, so it rubbed the inside of the cotton, gently. Brushing as it stood up, and it wasn’t my first erection.

“Huh!” I had to uncross my legs, to let it straighten out, but even my scrotum was starting to tingle. I guess I was a late bloomer, but the girls were ignoring me, and Stephany was typing in her Email. Arlen whispered, loud enough in her ear to hear her. “See if he’s got any pictures of them having sex?”

“HuhHh!” I was having trouble breathing, and the heat crept up under my dress. As if it escaped out the top of my panties, and wafted up my tummy, under my bra-cups, and between them.

Then, I realized that Stephany had stopped typing, and clicked Send. now, they were both looking at me. I looked down, but my cheeks were already burning down to my neck.

“Jen?”

“Jennifer?”

“What?” I looked down, and crossed my legs. Even though it wasn’t sticking straight up. My dress covered it up, but that’s not what they were looking at. “Huh,” I nodded, “Guys, I think, I might be feeling. A little gay?”

“Well, what is actually gay for you?”

“Yeah, if you think about it.”

“I’m a girl, I always was a girl, and sure I was raised to be a boy, but that was 2 whole years ago, and just because I’ve got the hots for a grown woman.”

“Oh,” Steph looked back at Arlen, who bit her lip, and nodded. So, Stephany looked back. “So, it wasn’t the dick pics that got you so hot, and bothered?”

“No? Of course not. I got plenty of chances to see penises when I thought I was a boy. That’s nothing new, but now this. This is weird. I just feel weird, and confused, but not bisexual at all. I’m not even bicurious, because I know what dicks are for, of course. They’re just dicks, for pissing as far as I care, but, huh.” I pulled at my collar. “Jesus, how can you girls stand it?”

“She’s so hot.”

“Yeah,” Stephany turned away, and leaned over Arlen’s shoulder. “I think she’s got a stiffy, too.” She didn’t even try to whisper, but Arlen looked down, and bit her lip.

“Guys, it’s not funny, and you’re starting to freak me out, a little.”

“Well, what’s wrong? You just like big tittied lumberjack dykes is that it?”

“I don’t know, and she’s not a lumberjack. She’s not even dressed like a lumberjack, she’s got a husband, and kids, and look at her hair. She doesn’t have a haircut, like a. Lesbian.” I felt mine, and pulled it out, so it was just barely touching my shoulder, but the kinks, curls, and waves held it up off my collar. Normally, which I hated, because it made me look like a boy. Metalhead hair, and I’m not a boy, at all. I think I’m gay, a lesbian, and here’s my only friends, in the whole wide world looking at me like, well?

“Huh!” Stephany shut her laptop, “Well, I don’t care if it’s gay, or not.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Arlen stood up, “But now I’m getting hot.”

“Yeah, you want to borrow my bathroom, to take a cold shower?”

“Huh yeah. Or something, I’ll be right back.” She left me alone, with Stephany. Who’s older, not that much older, but definitely the bustier of the 2. Not that much bustier neither, but also tall enough that she can wear flats.

Arlen taught me to walk in heels, comfortably, since she had the highest heels, and we could walk around almost the same height. But now, sitting next to her, it’s hard to hide how much taller Stephany really is, and she leaned over my shoulder, so I turned my head, and tucked my hair back behind my ear, but she just breathed on it.

“Hhuh!” Loud, and then she kissed my ear lobe. Licked up behind it, so my ear ring stuck in her top lip, and nibbled on it with her bottom teeth. “Smooch,” she kissed down my neck, and I closed my eyes.

I didn’t hear any water running in the bathroom. Arlen had been in there, long enough to start it, if she wanted to take a cold shower, and cool off. Take her clothes off, and kick off those high heels that made her legs look so long, and smooth, and sexy?

“Huh, I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Stephany touched my knee. “Okay?” She looked me right in my eyes, and I bet my lip. Nodding my consent, but I never even imagined either of them, in such an erotic way before.

We weren’t the sort of friends that changed together, shared, and compared bra-sizes, though they were. Best friends, forever it seemed, but not friends with benefits. Bisexual girlfriends, they never even showed any interest in me, nor the other girls.

I looked down, just so I could swallow the lump in my throat. “It’s hard.” I admitted, and patted her hand.

“I know, but it’ll get easier if you relax.” She gently pulled my knee off my other one.

“No,” I took her hand, and guided it up my lap. “That’s not what I ment.” She took the hint, and let go, to pinch the hem, and lift my skirt. So, I scooted out, and spread my legs wide. “Hhuh!” Felt the chill, run up my legs when she let the heat out, and leaned over to peek over the side of my dress.

“Uh, it’s so, little.” She shook her head. “I’m sorry.”

“Oh no, don’t be.” She touched it, and I closed my eyes. Nodding, and swallowing the lump in her throat.

“It’s so hard though.”

“I’ve never been so hard before.” She rubbed it up and down.

“And hairy?” She could feel the pubes rolling around through the fine cotton. “Can I pull your panties out, to have a look?”

“Yeah, uh!” That let more heat out, and I shivered, even though I was hot.

“Oh my god, if it wasn’t so hairy, I’d think it was a little boys!”

“It was, I guess. It was Kenny’s.”

“Well, at least you’re not a Ken doll, but.” Now it was her turn to bite her lip, and she never bites her lip. That’s Arlen’s thing, and I started copying her. Whenever I had something to hold back, but I wanted them to know I was holding back, so they could ask:

“What?”

“Hn,” her nostrils flared, and she was so red cheeked, I forgot that we hadn’t put any makeup on that afternoon. Of course, they started showing me, how to put on makeup, but now, even her lips looked red, and swollen. She licked them. “Uh, can I suck it?”

“Stephanie!” Arlen stamped her foot, so her heel tapped hard on the linoleum.

“Uh!” My pantie waist snapped painfully back over my exposed head, with the hood stretched back, and she dropped my dress back over my lap.

“You just got rid of me, so you can have her all to yourself?”

“No, you’re the one that wanted to go fiddle off by yourself.”

“Huh, guys. Don’t fight over me, Jeeze.”

“Well,” Jen looked back at me, “Is it okay, if we share?”

I’m really grateful, more than anything that she asked me. Every time, since she kissed my ear, and nibbled my earlobe to give me a chance to back out.

“I don’t care,” I decided, “I’m so horny that I don’t know what to do, so if you both want to help?” I nodded, “That’s great.”

So then, we all 3 started stripping down to our underwear, in the living room. Not even sexy, just as quickly as we could get our clothes off, we didn’t even bother with helping each other out of our clothes, we just got rid of them.

“God, you both look so sexy, I don’t know why I never thought about this before.”

“Having sex with us?” Arlen looked over at Steph, then they looked each other, up and down.

“Both of us?” Stephanie checked her out too. For the first time, I came to find out. They’re friends, best friends, and they know each other are straight, because they shared everything. No secrets, right down to their curiosity about me, because I told them.

Well, the basics, the doctors, and nurses had no idea that I was a girl, of course. Because I had a penis, it looked just like a normal boy’s penis, for a baby. So, they never had a reason to check my blood for hormones, until my ovaries woke up, and tried to ovulate. Without any womb to have a period, they just got stuck on Estrogen full time, so all my growth went into my breasts, and hips, instead of my penis, womb, body hair, or really anything else.

I lost my erection though. “Well,” I shook my head, “Anyone really. Boy or girl, I guess I was just so worried about my gender, and hiding it that I never got a chance to think about my sexuality.”

“Which is gay,” Arlen nodded.

Stephany shook her head, “Kinda, but if you think about it. It’s not really, that gay.” She put her arm around her shoulders, and kinda pushed her forward. “Well, I already got a good look, up close and personal, so I guess it’s your chance to catch up.”

Arlen squealed excitedly, and clapped her wrists together, in front of her chest. So, her bar cups squeezed between her arms, and I felt that twitch again. Only the second time, in my whole life I felt it getting hard, instead of waking up with an erection, and it going away before I got to the bathroom, to take a leak.

“Huh, well it’s only fair if you pull down your underwear to show me too.” But I stuck my thumb in there, before the curl straightened out, so it didn’t rub against the hot cotton again. Because it’s uncomfortable.

“Oh my god, she’s not circumcized?” Arlen giggled, shaking her head, but running her thumbs back around her hips. To slip her panties down, and show me. “I can’t believe I just said that, but you never answered her question. About letting her give you head?” She slipped her knee up, and kicked them off.

In heels, which I was always jealous of. How easily she made living in heels look, since she barely ever took them off. I mean, she took her pants off, and then put the heels back on, when we’re getting undressed.

“Uh, Arlen!”

“That’s okay, you can have it, but.” She bit her lip, and I looked up, when she turned back. “You want me to sit on your face?”

“Huh, yeah.” I’d never seen a real girl’s real crotch naked like this before. So close, and getting closer. When I lay down on the couch, and she put her knee over my head.

Stephanie pulled my underwear down, and rubbed the hairy wrinkles at the bottom first. Breathed hot on it, then touched it with her tongue. Licking up, and pinching it, to hold it up to her lips. Slip it in, warm, and wet, and rubbing it with her tongue.

“Don’t just kiss it.” Arlen looked down, between her bra cups, and ran her fingers through my hair. “Lick it.” I opened my mouth, and closed my eyes. Sticking my tongue out, and splitting her open, even as Steph’s lips and tongue started slipping up and down. Slowly at first, but picking up the pace, I just licked up, and down in time.

“Snh!” Taking a deep breath through my nose, and tasting her juices, but she’d just fiddled off. Quickly, in the bathroom, while her best friend seduced me on the couch, so she really got her juices flowing.

“Smuip? Ohshit!” Stephany stopped, and let it pop back up straight on top of my pubes. Pulling my undies up.

“What?” Arlen scooted back off my pubes, let her boobs go, and pulled her bra back tight. But not before I saw her nipples sticking out, hard, and really dark red. She pulled the straps together behind her, and shook her head. “Put your dress back on quick!” She picked up her undies, and stuck her heels in, before Stephanie’s mom showed up, and started unlocking the door.

“Uh,” I held my dress up over me, but I didn’t even have time to get it turned around to put it back on. Arlen pulled her panties up, in-side out, and grabbed her pants, but Stephanie got her top on.

“Hey, mom. We uh. Just finished our homework, so we’re gonna go play dressup, in my room.”

“Huh!” Her mom looked tired, dropped an ear-ring in her pocket, and reached up to undo the other one. “Okay, you girls have fun. You’re father’s bringing dinner.”

“Okay,” we ran off down the hall, but she barely even looked at us, and we’re lucky it was her first. Her alone, and her husband didn’t catch us. Almost in the act of having a threesome right out there in the living room, but we lost track of time.

We giggled, trying to hold back our laughs with both hands, right inside the room. “Whew!” Stephanie caught her breath first. “That was close.”

“It’s not hard any more.” I tucked my junk back down, and turned my dress around, to drop it over my underwear.

“Huh, yeah. We better go.” Arlen kicked her shoes off, to put on her pants. “Walk me home?”

“Oh no. You don’t get her to yourself.”

“Sh, if you guys are gonna fight over me, at least keep your voices down. We’re not out of the woods yet.”

“Well,” that gave Arlen an idea, “Why don’t we go out to the woods?”

“Yeah, good idea.” Stephanie agreed, sniffing a top to see if it was clean enough to pull on. “You want to borrow a pair of pants?” She offered me.

“No, they’d just get in the way, and I don’t like pants, any more.”

“Oh yeah,” Arlen realized, buckling her heels back on. “How come you never wear them?”

“Well, I guess I got used to it, but at first, it reminded me to sit like a girl.” Since I have even more to hide than the next girl. “Cross my legs, or at least hold them together, but now I like them more.” I shook my head, and giggled. “I’m never going to finish my homework now.”

“Well, forget it. It’s only 1 F, and this is more important.”

“Huh, yeah.” I can’t wait to get outside, in the fresh air, feel how cool it was, with the fall breeze tickling up under my dress, and go out to the woods, to finish what we started.

I guess that’s a whole nother story, so it’ll have to wait…

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