I was bored, so I went to the park, and met an older girl. #Psycho
I forget when I started, but the playground had these 3 platforms. You could hang onto this bar, and slide over to the corner. If you looked up, you could even see the roller skate wheels in the pipe through a split in the bottom of it.
Then, I climbed up on the platform in the corner, and there was a kind of ladder over to the slide. I didn’t make it all the way. I stopped, and sat down, but I had to hold onto the big pipe, on one side.
I liked being up high, where I could see over the fences, and my house between the 2 other houses across the street. There wasn’t any way to hold my legs up, so I just let them hang down. The bar was cold, but it warmed up, and after a while, I started humping it.
I was young, too young to know anything about what me body was enjoying. If I ever even seen a penis, I probably thought it was just for peeing. Just like my split, but riding the bar up high like that. I enjoyed being up high, but it kinda hurt.
I don’t know how much I weighed, either. The only chances I got to get on a scale were at the doctor’s office, for my checkup, and the nurse had a ruler she could flip up a little tab. Slide it down to the top of my head, and tell me to stand up straight. So, she could write down how tall I was.
The answer is not very. Finally, one day Vira came out, and said “I know what you’re doing up there.” I must’ve had some look on my face, because it really hurt. I didn’t know why I liked it, but I pushed through the pain, closed my eyes, and thought about horses.
Oh yeah, I broke my friend’s horse, maybe that’s when I started? I can’t be really sure, because I don’t remember it so much as remembering remembering it. Especially the holes in it’s side when the legs broke off, because I tried to ride it. It was too small, and just hollow plastic, so it couldn’t hold my weight.
“Come down off there before someone else sees you.”
“Uh?” I pulled my self over, so I could get both legs between the bar, drop down, and let go of the pipe, so I could let my arms down.
Vira talks funny, because she’s Ukranian, but a lot of girls think she’s Mexican. Nope, Ukranian, just like her favorite singer. Nastya Kamenskich, or НАСТЯ КАМЕНСКИХ, or just NK for short. She sings in Spanish now, so I guess she must be popular in Mexico. She sure is sexy, but not like Vira.
I mean, that’s not nice, and I don’t want to sound like I don’t like her. She might beat you up, but I’m a nice person too, and that’s not a nice thing to say out loud.
“Huh,” She sighed, “If a man sees you up there like that, he may get ideas.”
“Oh,” I pointed, “Like my dad.” I don’t call him daddy no more, just dad, or John when I’m upset, because he hates that, and when I’m upset, I want to hurt his feelings, so I call him John, and then feel bad about it when he sends me to my room.
“No, uh!” She shook her head. “Like a pedo.”
“What’s a pedo? Oh, like Mr. Geppetto, from Pinoccio.” I nodded.
“You are so naive.”
“What’s naive mean?” Now, I have to shake my head, at myself. Being so naive that I didn’t know what that ment. Hard to believe that I was ever that young.
“Well, it is your life to risk.” She shrugged, and uncrossed her arms. Turned to wander off, but I followed her.
“No? I won’t fall down, and even if I did, I can catch myself on the next bar.” I felt my ribs, “It hurts a lot, but I even fell down off there, and I didn’t break my neck, or anything.”
“Well, if it hurts so much, then why do you do it?”
“I don’t know. I like the way that hurts, even though I hate it when I bang my ribs, or skin my knee. I skinned my knee really bad the other day, but mommy,” I still called her mommy. “Kissed it, and then it didn’t feel so bad. Where’re you going? I’m talking to you!”
“I know, you won’t shut up!” She turned around, clearly upset.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to, I just don’t have anyone to play with, or talk to.”
“Then go back to playing with yourself until a child molester shows up, since you know how to do that so well.”
She ran off, and I was so mad at what she said, I didn’t. Just to spite her, it wasn’t until later that I thought she used reverse psychology to trick me.
Instead, I went home, and asked mom about some of the things she said, like “What’s a pedo?” She told me, and what one might do to me. First, the kinds of things he might say, to trick me into getting in his car, like she sent him to pick me up. Or, I’m a friend of your father’s, and he sent me to pick you up, or from the school. I lost a puppy, can you help me find her, or how do you get to some place I might know, can you show me?
Things like that, so I kept an eye out for pedofiles, and the tricks they might try to molest me. “Oh,” that reminded me, “What’s molest mean?”
“Well, he might try to get in your pants.”
“Well, what if I’m not wearing pants?” I had on shorts, I remember that, because if felt them with my hands.
“You’re wearing underpants, aren’t you?”
“They’re clean, and everything.” I made sure when I put them on that morning.
“Well, he might try to put his hand in there, and touch you between the legs, or show you his penis, make you take off your clothes, or rape you.”
“Oh.” I nodded. I wasn’t sure what rape ment, but I knew it was bad. I can’t remember where I heard it from, probably some show where a woman told the cops that he raped her, and cried. I just knew that it wasn’t something you wanted to happen to you, so I hugged her, and thanked her, and went on with my life.
That got me thinking, though. About Vira with an I, or sometimes Bиpa. There was another Vera, with an e, but sometimes, Vira spelt her name with Russian letters, to show us all how the I looks like a backwards N. Oh yeah, there was this one boy, a skater, and he had a Nine inch Nails teeshirt on, but she pointed out the letters.
[NiИ] Looked like NiI to her, because in Kiev where she’s from, I looks like a backwards N, and they use a b for a V, and their R looks like a P, but it’s really a Rhos from Greek, because most Russian letters started out from the AlphaBet, back when the Russian church used to be the Greek church, but then all these Russians moved into the neighborhood, and also Ukranians, which are like Mexicans only in USSR instead of USA.
I wondered if CCCP was really USSR, only in Cyrillic, until I realized that they’d use 3 different letters instead of 2. Maybe the U looks like a C, when it’s really just a U turned sideways, but then they wouldn’t use if for the S’s, so I was a bit confused, and I went out looking for Vira at her house.
She wasn’t there, so I had to come back later for dinner, but her mommy said I could come back for dinner, or she asked me if I wanted her to put out a plate for me too, and I said “Okay sure,” but I thought she ment out on the porch. She didn’t, she invited me right in, and called “Vira, your friend is here.”
She said Here even funnier then Vira, so I tried not to giggle. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get your name.”
“Emily, or Mila. You can call me Mila if you like.” I nodded, like Mila Kunis, not Milla Jovovich, with 2 Ls. I thought it might be nice to call me a Ukraine name, since they’re from there, and they don’t have any other Ukraine girls to play with, just Russian, and American ones.
“Mila.” She called back.
“Mila, I don’t know any Milas here.” She finally came out, and saw me. “Oh, it’s you.”
“What you make for dinner, Vira’s mom? It smells great.”
So, that’s how I got invited to dinner, at Vira’s house, and it was too late to tell her mom she didn’t invite me, so she just had to get used to it.
“I’m gonna go wash up.”
Vira said “The bathroom’s this way,” then she pushed me in, and shut the door. “What do you think you’re doing, you little nympho?”
“What’s a nympho?” I shook my head, “Uh, you just know all this stuff, because you’re super smart, and I want to know stuff too, so can you teach me? Please?”
Bиpa (NK – Peligroso)
Emily was young, and she has this crush on me. So many question, but she won’t stop asking, so if I tell her, she will learn, and not need ask so many question. She wanted to learn, so I tell her:
“Nympho mean you are full of sex, or your head is.”
I wait for her to ask me what is sex, but she don’t. She shake it no, “I think about all kinds of things, you don’t know me that well, but is that what you thought I was doing up on the monkey bars?”
“I’m sorry, I make mistake.”
We wash our hands, and go to eat at the table, because we have a friend over, and I did not want this little girl as friend, but Mama she is so proud, I have a friend.
So, she stayed after Babka. Mama made Babka, for her. She liked it very much, and I like it too. It is my favorite, and she makes it for me on my birthday.
Then, in my room she says: “Oh, I found this great song, it’s in Spanish, but you like Nastya.”
“НАСТЯ.” She tried, but she makes a good try at saying her name. “Yes, she is my favorite star from home.”
She played it, Peligroso for me. I know this, Peligroso is Dangerous en Española. I do not speak it bery well yet. I am learning, from these Latina girls, who speak it bery well, but they like this song well. As well.
I try to sing along, the words are there on the bottom, then Mila ask me “What’s it mean?”
“Dangerous. I like good dangerous.” I stopped it, and ran my finder over the words on bottom, but this skip ahead.
“What’s that mean?”
“I do not know, but you do. Like dangerous, and hurt yourself, up on the bar.”
“It’s not that dangerous.”
“I know, but it hurts?” Between her legs, I do not want to say this, and I do not wish to like her, but this hot face it is not going away, and is turning into hot neck.
“Oh!” She nodded excited. “Like a good dangerous, yes. I like it, it’s a different hurt, I like a lot.”
“Look, my.” татусь “Father.”
“Oh, what’s wrong?”
“Uh!” I did not want this, to show her this, so I cover my face. My eyes before they start leaking tears.
“He died, huh?” She guessed.
“No, well. I do not know, where he is, he may be. I have not heard, but yes. He may be dead.”
That cheered me up. “Snh!”
“He must’ve done something bad.” She smiled, back. To show me, I smiled, as a mirror of my face reflecting this joy. At the thought of him being beated, raped and killed by tough men with tattoos on their hands.
Shake that out of my head. “No, not to me. To my friends.” I must breathe. Slowly, deeply. “I never tell this here.”
“It’s hard.” She nodded, and I shake my head, but this is just Mila. Emilia. Mia, she does not know what she says, she just says the worst thing, like it is hard.
“I play Football, you call Soccer. He come to every game, and was very proud of me, but. Uh! Then, I see him with my friend, and she told us what he did, and my other friends say he do this to them as well, so the police come, and take him to prison where he belong for what he done to cry, and sleep, and dream nightmares that they will come for him.” In the shower, or in his sleep. “To punish him.”
She closes her mouth. “Oh, he touched them.”
“First. Then more. So much more, he hurt them, they bleeded he hurt them so much. And they were so young. Too young to be bleeding.”
“In their underpants.”
“Oh,” she hugged me. “It’s okay, but we better change the subject, since this one makes you so upset.”
“You want to watch a movie?”
“Out there?” In front of Mama, “I can’t. I’ve been crying, and if mama sees, she will know, and this won’t help me think about. No, not think about what happened to my. What татусь. Вони, мабуть, зараз роблять з татом, щоб покарати його.”
She giggled. “Okay, let’s go over to my house, we got HBO, and they got that new Mila Kunis movie, you seen it?”
“No, I. The spy one?”
“The spy that dumped her, yes. Come on. Bye Vira’s mom, we’re going over to my house to watch a Mila Kunis movie, and can she spend the night?”
“Of course, have fun at your friend’s house, Бабка.”
“Ooh, do you have any more of that Babka cake and icing?” it’s just Easter bread, but she only likes the whipped cheese icing. “It’s really good, and I wanna take some home to my momma. She’d really enjoy it, please?”
I know what she’s doing. She’s tricking mama, as she tricked me, she plays tricks like this, when only she wanted the Babka for herself, but she let me eat half the square.
“She called you Babka.”
“Yes, because she knows that it is my favorite. She always call me this.”
“If you like it so much. Why aren’t you eating it? Here.” She took my hand, and wiped the top off of her’s, onto mine, because she took the piece with the top on it.
It was a funny movie, I never saw before, and Mira neither, but she laughed along with me too, and then Viktor came out naked, and you could see his balls hanging under his butt, and then Morgan yelled, but before she pushed him out the window, the camera switched to the front, so we could both see his penis, and Morgan’s mom is so cool, she can send her dick pics, and talk about stuff like how they look weird if they’re not circumcized, but me and Vira just looked at each other, and she covered up her mouth.
“I’m sorry. I knew this was an R rated movie, but I thought it was just because of the guns, and stuff.”
“Huh, it’s okay.” She swallowed, but her ear was red, when she pulled her hair back behind her ear, and her neck too. “She killed him.”
“Yeah. It’s violent, too.”
“Yes, very violent.” She didn’t say Berry like a Mexican, she only says that when she’s trying to speak Spanish. She looked down, and crossed her legs, to show me that she felt it too. It wasn’t just the violence.
“Uh, Vira. You think he was cute? Viktor, I mean he’s not really dead, you know. He’s an actor, so the actor, well. You didn’t even see him die, he didn’t even play dead, and I’m sure he’s just fine.”
“Sh!” She pushed my shoulder, so I shut up, and listened to the girls freak out in the car.
“That’s self defense, so it doesn’t count.”
“See?” She just nodded, and kept watching, but I stopped paying attention to the movie, when I saw her hands in her lap. Except when it was loud, especially when she jumped. Like when that British guy told her to get in the van, and the van door slid open, she jumped.
But then, she settled down, and her hands went back between her legs. Held together, so they were like one big fist, and that reminded me of something I heard this doctor lady say at school. The heart is about this big, as big as both your hands, but then she stuck her fingers out, like she was praying, only instead of holding them up over her heart, she held them down between her legs. Squeezing them, and rubbing them up and down, between her legs.
“Huh.” I looked up, before she looked over, but she crossed her arms, and her legs. So, I looked back at the TV, but it was just some weird techno music, and a model, strutting the cat-walk, in a trenchcoat. Then, she went back, and took off the coat, a wig, and got out a gun in her underwear.
“You think she’s hot?” Vira asked.
PEW! She shot someone, but you couldn’t see it.
“She looks funny, and is she supposed to be Asian? Because she doesn’t look asian, but you can tell she’s trying to look asian, and what’s with those eyebrows?”
“Ivanna Sakhno.” She shook her head. “No, she is from Kiev, my home town, like me.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know, your eyebrows are fine. She’s got a neat car?” It’s shiny!
“Huh,” she smiled, and nodded. “You think, she looks like me?”
“No, you look more like Nastya.” I nodded. “Only younger, of course. I’m sure you’re going to get a body like that, like Nastya.” I’ve seen her mom, and even in an apron. Well, I can sure see why she likes Nastya so much. “Maybe if you curled your hair up like her.”
“You think you look like Audrey?”
“You mean Mila Kunis!” I had to laugh, “Yeah, I’m glad you noticed, but it’s funny. She knows Russian, I saw her speaking it on. Uh.” I looked back at the movie. “Sorry.”
“Shut up!” She pushed me, “She says this, shut up, when she does not really mean to shut up.”
“Yeah.” I nodded, “It’s a figure of speech.”
“I remember.” She shook her head. “You remember, Viktor.”
“You think he’s.”
“No.” She looked at me, and I shut up. Then, she deepened her voice, and even her accent changed. “You hev.” She waved her hand at my face. “Baby eyes. Big baby eyes.”
“Hm.” I shook my head.
“That’s what he say to her.” She waved at the TV, “To Audrey, and she upset. She say she hates Morgan, but she hugs her, smiling. Why would she say that?”
“I don’t know, I don’t get that part, either. Morgan’s weird, and the actress, Kate. Mc something, she only plays weirdos. So I don’t know why she’d get a creep to hit on her. Uh? Mh…”
I knew one way to shut her up, but I stopped watching this movie. It was this part, where Viktor the Assassin come in with the gun, and Morgan, she killed him.
Then, she started talking about Nadejda, and how Ivanna Sakhno looks Asian. Of course, being Crimean, I hear this too a lot.
Ukraine is officially Europe, part of the European Union, but it is also. Do you remember in Avengers: Age of Ultron, when Agent Hill told Captain America about Sokovia?
“It’s no place special, but it’s on the way to every place special.” That is where I am from. The Crimea is on the Black Sea, one of the 7 seas, and if you look at it on a map, that is Asia. When the Mongols come to sack Europe, they come through there, to Crimea, to the Black Sea. When the Huns come, the Tartars, and the Russians, raping all the way. my people, are the descendants of that. Our ancestors being raped by everyone from the Greeks, and Persians to the Mongols, Huns, and Tartars.
They come for our ports. For Sevastopol first. I know, you do not come here for history lesson, and Geography, but here you go to Long Beach to swim in the sea, or Atlantic City, this is also an island. Staten Island, but when I went to Crimea, to swim. I also see the places of history. The forts, the castles, and the beaches were Europeans come not to swim, but for violence.
This is what I see in her. Her big baby eyes, the first times I see them shut. The pain on her face, up on the monkey bars? Then, she shows me this movie, I have not seen, and Mila Kunis? Yes, I see why she showed me this. She is tricky this one, but she knows about her big baby eyes. She uses them, she used them on me, and she used them on mama to get seconds on desert.
She likes Pain. When it gets to the part, where they are tied up in the gymnastics practice arena. Nadejda, she tortures them, and they start talking. Much like Emili starts talking, and does not know when to talk, but they get to her.
“How do you know so much about each other?”
“She’s my best friend. Haven’t you ever had a best friend?”
And Nadejda answers, “Bobik.”
The balance beam. The hard round wooden bar, sticking out of the corner, and I remember this. Thing this girl does, not even knowing why. She hurts herself, and I knew that this Bobik. This balance beam, it was not Nadejda’s “Best friend.” It was her first lover, those 2 spies, and gymnastic coaches.
They must have been hard on her, I did not know any Russian ballerinas, gymnasts, figure skaters, or other athletes. Or performers, ballet is as much an athletic performance as gymnastics, if you watch the floor routine.
I remember Lilia Podkopayeva, and how proud of her we all were. I wished very much to be like her, for all the attention, and admiration she received, but then I hear stories. Horror stories of the things, those girls go through, to become like that.
Like her, like Nadejda. The heartless killer. I do not wish to become like her, heartless. A psycho, but I look at her. Emilia, Mia. I see in her eyes, what she hides, behind the pleading look, the pout, and wrinkled chin. So you can not help but imagine her big brown baby eyes turning wet with tears.
Behind that, I finally see what she is: Dangerous. I understand that now. “Eye eye I. A mi me gusta Peligroso.”
“Huh!” She shook her head. “Wh, you’re.”
“A woman, you call this.”
“A lesbian.” My hand covers her mouth, where my lips had been. “MRH!” She is dangerous, and small. Weak, she can not fight it, though. She can not hold the control. “LMr GRH!”
The car chase, pushing the Vol ^^^^^^. The music, and shooting, and crashes are loud.
What does he get out of this? Tатусю, daddy, why did he hurt these girls? Here.
“Ow!” She bit me!
“What are you doing?”
“I thought you liked this good hurt.”
“No? What kind of sick nympho are you?” She kicked me.
“Don’t kick me!” My hand stung, and her cheek turned red. “пизда повія!”
“Huh! I’m sorry, don’t yell. Don’t call for your mom, and dad, I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.”
It was the violence, the motorcycle crashing into a car, and flipping so the rider flew up, and crashed down like a rag doll, dead.
It was the pain I saw, the real pain up on the playground, and she keeps doing it. Violence isn’t sexy, but this violence is.
“Huh!” She pulls up her shirt, and sticks her hand down her shorts. “Well, don’t hit me then. I don’t like it. Uhn!”
She makes that face, that hurt face, and her fingers push out her shorts. Between her legs. “Kiss me again, nhm!” She bites her lip, until I do as she says.
I don’t know what else to do, but she knows what she wants. I don’t, I have never known a girl that wants things, such as this, but she can do it. She can hurt herself between the legs, so I don’t rape her. If she hadn’t stopped me, I know this is what I would do. What I would be, like my father.
She come to me, to my home, my mama, and trick her. Trick me, and everyone, but she would not, if I was not what I am. Not a killer, but a pedo. A little girl raper, like my father.
He had not the luck I found here. the girls here, they are all different form me, from my team mates, from each other, but this one. this Mia, she picked a good name. She is naturally talented, she does not even know what she does, she just does.
So, I let her, so I do not rape her. Then after, we may find out what she is. If she is also a killer.
Boring psychobabble at the end, so you can skip it. Vira isn’t a psychopath, she didn’t inherit it from her father, she should be a fairly normal Immigrant, if not for what she didn’t see.
That gunshot, when Nadejda turns around, and the muffled thump off camera. She heard about it, from her father’s victims. Horror stories like whatever they made up about Lilia Podkopayeva, because girls talk. Locker room talk, in any language, on whatever Continent you want to consider the Dniepner.
The French call it Folie à Deux. Madness for 2, and also a self fulfilling prophecy. She doesn’t want to be like her father, she’s actually terrified of it, but subconsciously, that’s like trying not to think about a monkey with a banana in her ear.
Don’t think about a monkey with a banana in her ear, now. For 30 seconds, just count to 30, and see how far you get, Not thinking about something so silly, and weird. Okay, well the problem is that her father was supposed to care about her, give her affection, and he did.
It’s sick, but subconsciously, she loved a sexual predator that went to her games. Not to watch her, and cheer for her, but to rape, and molest her friends. So, she’s conflicted, she wants to see him beaten, raped, and murdered for what he did to her friends, but she also loves him, and expected affection from him, because he was her father.
Emily is a fairly innocent byestander, going through a phase where she’s interested in all things Ukranian-American. She innocently rode the pole, even though it hurt, because she also got pleasure out of it.
And, a potential victim, for Vira to share her psychosis with, because she doesn’t have anyone any more. She didn’t inherit from her father, she was so terrified of it, she gave it to herself. Buried it deep down, where it could fester and grow into a bubble of helpless rage until it burst.
People can get hurt from that sort of thing. Now, as role-models for little, and tweenage girls go, Nastja might not be the best, but you can definitely do much worse.
#Abuse #Lesbian #Virgin