Mom, Dad, and the Sex Pervert

I had no idea mom, and dad were even still sexually active.

I went out with my friends, but then there was this big fight over. well never mind that, I’m not even getting into that, but I tried calling home, and my dad said “We’re a little busy here,” and “Why don’t you try getting a ride home with one of your friends?”

Some friends, and don’t you think it’s kinda petty getting upset just because we all like the same guy? Come on, he’s the best looking guy in school, and everyone knows it. So, I’m supposed to settle, so somebody else can have him.

Forget that, petty bullshit. Never mind, it was a nice night. I guess, the leaves haven’t even started changing, but it’s a couple miles, and this guy pulled up. Asked me if I wanted a ride, but he said it so creepy, that I just kept walking, tried to ignore him until he gave up, and drove off.

Yeah, not that badly, and what kind of “ride” he was talking about. I bet he even thought that dirty grin was charming, but I regretted it later when my feet started hurting. I got blisters on my heel which didn’t help. So, I had to take my shoes off, and carry them, barefoot.

At least they didn’t wait up? When I got in, I half expected mom on the couch. Sitting there, already disappointed in me for being out late, but the living room was a mess. There were dishes all over the coffee table, when they wouldn’t ever let me eat in front of the TV, but they left out a bottle of wine. So I poured myself a cup, and sat down to feel my feet.

Then, I heard her moaning down the hall. “Ugh!” My mom, gotta love her, but she’s always been one of those church ladies. You can’t even imagine farting, let alone having sex. Of course she had me, but if I ever thought about it, then I’d probably assume that it happened once. On their wedding night, and she turned the lights out to take off her clothes in the dark. So, dad couldn’t see her in her underwear.

“AUGH!”

Jesus, he’s really giving it to her! Well, she cooked, of course. I was hungry from skipping dinner, and the long walk home, but obviously. Mom, and dad took advantage of me being out late, and I briefly forgot that he said they’re busy hours ago. That ment they’d been going at it for hours, and I’m not exactly a virgin, but you know.

High school boys, they’re lucky to get it out of their pants, and put a rubber on before they blow it. So, let’s just say that my sex life has been less than satisfying. I was about halfway through a plate of casserole when the moaning stopped, but I was just too tired to get up, and grab clean dishes from the kitchen. I have no idea who’s soup plate, or wine glass I used.

Mom didn’t wear makeup, and I had to borrow my friends’, because she wouldn’t buy any for me. Just that horrible perfume, and hair spray, of course. She had a helmet, it took 2 hours to get just right for the church service, and it didn’t move, it was so stuck together with hair spray.

Then, their door opened, and a man came out. Wearing nothing but a rubber, and the moaning started up again. “Uh?” I set down my plate, and wine glass, and then finally counted. 1, 2, 3 dirty plates on the coffee table. Ah ah ah! I almost dropped them, but I kinda started losing my grip when the door opened, and the sounds of lovemaking got even louder.

He didn’t even look down the hall. He looked back, and left the bedroom door open, then went in the bathroom.

“Yes, take me, my man. Uh!” My mom, and dad too. I couldn’t see the bed from there, thank God, but I still couldn’t help imagining. Them naked in bed together, with the lights on, which I managed to avoid for years, but then I heard the toilet flush, the shower curtain, and then the water running in the bathroom.

“UHHHHH!” My dad bellowed, “FUCK!”

I was stunned. Just from that F bomb dropping, but I blinked, and shook my head. My dad yelling fuck, at the top of his lungs, and no doubt blowing his wad, where? Now, I can’t help imagining that, and trying to figure out where mom would want it.

Probably where it goes, and if they’ve been doing it all this time, then where’s all my little brothers, and sisters? I’m an only child, and of course all the other families at church are huge. Catholic sized families. So, she wouldn’t let him use a rubber, she hates the very idea, but that just reminded me of the elephant in the bathroom.

I’m a little impressed, and proud of her. I didn’t get a good look, but before he was gone, I saw more than enough. He looked like a model, yeah a male model, but you know those perfect muscles? He could probably only get with a personal trainer, and even shriveled up after sex, he wasn’t compensating for anything. He didn’t have anything to be ashamed of there either, but of course they let him use a condom.

For once, but my mom, and dad just had a threesome, with the hottest guy I’ve ever seen, or I can remember seeing in real life. It’s hard to believe he’s not airbrushed, even right in front of my own eyes, or down the hall anyway. Walking around our house naked except for a condom, and now he’s in the shower.

It just didn’t add up, I’m missing something, or I managed to miss a whole lot. Living with them my whole life, and of course she wouldn’t come in my room and tell me all about it before bed. It’s private, a lady doesn’t kiss, and tell, but no man wants to watch his wife having sex with another man. In their bed, and what’s dad doing to her in there?”

“Ooh, just like that.”

They’re not done? They’re still not done, and then I realized they must’ve been going at it for hours. Since they were “Busy” when I called them 2 miles ago, and the whole casserole was cold. It’s a big casserole, plenty of leftovers, so it takes a long time for that to cool off.

So, I got up, and carried it to the kitchen. Got the lid off the cutting board, and put it in the fridge. Fussed around, and hung up the oven mitts. The apron, and basically killed time because I am NOT going down that hall to my room where I can STILL hear them STILL having raunchy sex with some guy.

I’m not a neat freak, and it bugs me that mom makes me pick up everything. For instance, if I leave an empty glass in the living room. I have to pause it, take it to the kitchen, and put it in the dish washer, then go back to the movie, or whatever. I can’t just leave it there, until commercial, it’s untidy.

“Oh, you’re home.” I dropped a plate, and.

“Mom?” I can’t even look at her, with her robe on. “I live here, and I’m 2 hours late, and who the f’heck is that guy in the shower?” I finished picking up the pieces, and just threw them in the trash.

She poured herself a glass of milk, and sat down. Took a deep breath, her hair was wrecked, and she didn’t even bother to fingercomb it. So, she didn’t even look like my mom, she was just this loose unkempt woman, I didn’t recognize. Sitting in her the kitchen, wearing her robe, and sipping a glass of milk.

“Huh,” she set it down, and then tried to keep a straight face, but she got this dirty little girn.

“Oh, my GOD! Mom?”

“Did you see his buns?” She held her hands up, like that guy from the [H]istory channel meme, with the crazy hair? The Ancient Aliens guy. “He’s got the nicest tight buns!”

“Yeah,” he looked in the door, “I’m gonna take off.”

“You okay to drive?”

“Yeah, I sobered up.” He had his keys out, and flipped them around his little finger by the keyring. “See you later, thanks.” He just left out the front door, and drove off, but I found myself standing there. Holding a dish towel, and at least he had put some clothes on, but when he turned around, in those tight jeans, I saw that she was right.

“Where’s the casserole?”

“Oh, in the fridge.” I finished drying my hands, and dropped the towel. She started bashing around in the kitchen, and dad must have gone in to take a shower. S,o I just slammed the door, jumped into bed, and screamed into the pillow. Trying to shake all the images out of my head.

“Huh?” I must have passed out, because I woke up with my clothes still on, and my face stuck to the pillow with drool. Mom was up, making breakfast with her hair brushed out. As if it didn’t even happen, and it was comforting in a way. I got my mom back, whoever that strange woman I met last night was gone, but she was humming. With a satisfied smile on her face, and every look between mom, and dad was touching, but then she went to get dressed for church, and I guess I slept on it.

I felt a little better about, whatever I missed, and they’re adults. It just surprised me, because I just didn’t want to think of my parents as the kinds of people that had wild sex parties all night while I was out. Of course, when you’ve got children, or a young daughter, you wait until you have the house to yourself before you invite someone over for dinner, and wild 3 way sex, but in a way, I was really proud of her.

Because that guy was gorgeous. Almost too perfect, and it wasn’t just his body, which he obviously put a lot of work into. He had a cute face, and that’s pretty hard to get in a full grown man, but you could tell he was a full grown man by the scruffy rough stubble, and even his hairline is not the sort of thing you pay attention to, but he ran his fingers back when he said he was going to take off, last night, and even that was perfect.

So perfect that it’s hard to believe, that a man like that actually exists, and it would be so easy to imagine that it was all some fucked up wet dream, but then we put down our hymnals, and sat down for The Lord’s Prayer. Mom, and dad turned to look at each other, “Give us this day our daily bread,” she took his hand, and held it, saying: “And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

Only this time, it was more like they were saying their wedding vows, again. I promise to love, honor, and obey, but if you ever see a guy you really like, sure. I’ll watch you bang him in our bed, then plow you while he’s in the shower, and then when he gets out all fresh, clean, and dripping wet, I’ll let you bang him again, and again.

“Huh.” That’s what I imagined happening. They took turns with her, that’s the only way I can figure out for guys. Even 2 of them, and one of them my dad to last for hours. Like that guy, going to take a shower, while dad banged her. They tag teamed her all night, so this morning, she looked as happy as I’ve ever seen her. Humming, and smiling to herself.

“Amen.” They wrapped up the service, and while everyone went out to the dining hall for pot-luck. For the first time that I can remember, we stopped on the way for takeout. My mom, brought fast food for potluck, because the Big casserole was still in the refrigerator, and she didn’t get a chance to cook. She was too busy getting tag teamed late into the night.

She smiled, and turned to duck in the confessional. Careful not to brush her hair against anything on the way in, and she got it fixed up in record time this morning, because we’re running late. I wanted so badly to listen in, outside the confessional.

“Forgive me father, for I have sinned.” Maybe throw in a tired yawn.

“Hey, uh.” My father patted me on the shoulder. “We should probably talk about what you saw last night.”

“Yeah, but not in here.” I crossed myself, “So let’s go for a walk.” Leave Holy Ground, so he can confess his sins, to me. “Huh, I didn’t actually see much.” I shook my head, but that guy, especially when he was naked except for the dirty rubber, just got stuck there, I guess. “I heard more than enough.”

“Well, I suppose you’re old enough now, but when you get older, your body will probably start going through some changes.”

“Yeah, dad. I did the whole Puberty thing, and it sucked.”

He chuckled, “I bet, but what I’m talking about is later in life.”

“Oh yeah, menopause.” I didn’t think she was that old. Obviously.

“Before that, your mother found that her needs became, well. There’s no other way to put it, she’s insatiable.”

“You guys seemed to do a pretty good job last night.”

“Huh!” He smiled, and looked up. “Yeah.” He shook his head, “Well, maybe not insatiable, but she’s more than I could handle, and you know how difficult she can be to talk to.”

“About sex?” I nodded, because I never got The Talk from her. She invited her sister in law over, so she could explain to me. What was happening to my body, because she just couldn’t. She’s got this mental block, and I guess does her hair up in that helmet to armor herself from unclean thoughts. “Huh!” I never thought about it like that, but you know some people use Tinfoil, I guess. My mom uses hairspray. I nodded again.

“Hah, well you know she didn’t even get her first vibrator until she was 38?” I didn’t even know she had one, but I’m not the sort of child that goes snooping through other people’s stuff. “But the hysterectomy was too late.”

“Huh,” it was starting to turn into one of those scenes at the end of her murder shows. I think it’s actually called denouement, where the detective explains what happened in voiceover. Meanwhile they show all the parts that they left out, so you don’t solve the mystery for them, but I never thought that it might be about the Motive?

Ever since Agatha Christie, the biggest motive is adultery. Even in real life, it’s second only to Money, but when you’re writing a screenplay. It’s just a lot juicier, and more exciting if you can hint at somebody cheating. So, you get to wonder who’s been sleeping with whom, and how they got caught. On top of all the red herrings, and evidence they hid so they wouldn’t get caught, but in the end. They always do, because you can’t just leave the audience hanging with a Cold Case. Or an Unsolved Mystery, those are different shows.

“Huh, so finally, she confessed to me, that she’d started to regret.”

“What?” I was really wrapped up in it by then.

“Huh, you have to understand that she loves me, and I love her, but we got married right out of high school, and she’s never really been with anyone else.”

“So, you let her cuckhold you.”

“No, not really, I mean. It’s not really like that, and I can see how it might look that way, but.”

“Well, you brought me out here to explain it, so what’s the difference?” He’s obviously upset, and I wish I could go back before I called him a cuckhold, but it’s too late for that, and “I’m sorry. Do go on.”

“Huh, I never had a body like that.” he patted his belly, “I’ve pretty much given up on ever having a body like that, but there’s something, I wouldn’t let her do. Ever.” He shook his head.

“Yeah, where did you meet that guy anyway, and how old is he?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask, but it should be on his profile.”

“So, online then.” It’s no surprise that they know how to work one of them new fangled machines, they’re not Amish, but still. Actively searching for men, with perfect bodies, tanned all over, too. He didn’t have any tan lines, at all. So either he went to a tanning salon, or he kicked back totally naked outside, and worked on his tan in broad daylight, for god, and anybody to see. He has no shame, because who wouldn’t wnat to look at that beautiful body, even without an erection?

“Yeah, uh. I don’t want you going on there, and surfing those sites.”

“You’d probably have to be 18 anyway.”

“Exactly, but I didn’t even want to know. Last night, I kind of tuned it all out, and got drunk.” There was a 6 pack of beer in the trashcan too, and mom doesn’t drink beer, but maybe they shared it, no. I know my dad, he wouldn’t share his beer with the guy he invited over to boff mom, while he watched. She asked him if he was too drunk to drive, but she sure didn’t take most of that bottle to her head, or she would’ve been drunker last night.

… “…so she got a strapon.”

“Wait, what?” The last thing I remember hearing was ironically him saying he tuned them out, and got drunk.

“Huh, I had some say in what happened. Last night, and you know that male escorts like him generally work for other men. Homosexual men, but you know, there’s something. Pretty amazing about a woman, nailing a guy.”

He’s got these perfect, nice tight buns, she said. With her hair wrecked, holding up her hands, like she was talking about Aliens. I guess, in a way, she kinda was. “She just didn’t want to wait until she turned 50. We better get back.”

“Yeah, I need to think. You mind if I catch up?”

“Yeah, no problem.” It was a lot to put together, but it’s still so hard to believe? Even with all the evidence in front of me. I knew that I was sheltered, but that just helped to hide what I was being sheltered from. I thought maybe he was cock-blocking me, and normal, loving, vanilla husband and wife hetero sex. Trying to keep me off the pole, so I saved myself, and waited until I met the right guy. Got married, and Then found out when he took my virginity how bad he was in bed.

Well, I thought about telling him. All the things that I would say, if I ever got caught making out with boys, dating instead of having dinner at a friend’s house, and getting into premarital sex, with rubbers. So I didn’t get pregnant, in high school.

It’s always the thing you least expect, the people you don’t suspect. Of course the butler didn’t do it, that’s cliche’, and we don’t even have a butler, but. Butt… I still can’t imagine my mom. My buttoned up conservative church pot-luck lady mom. So overcome with lust, she just had to hire a gigolo off the internet to nail him up the ass with a strapon while dad watched, and got turned on enough to boff her brains out while he was in the shower.

“Huh.” She’s human. That was the Sunday afternoon when I found out that my mother was a human being. A sexual one, with sexual needs, kinks, sex toys, and porn. Good taste in men, too.

“Okay!” I can deal. Better go back in, and see what the hogs at the trough left me to eat…

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