This one’s got a soundtrack: Ministry – Lava (Filth Pig) Look it up on Utoob. Also, the capitalization is intentional.
It all started when I got a trampoline for my 10th birthday, but a couple months later, an older boy came to talk to me.
“Hey,” he just leaned up on the fence. “I’m new in the neighborhood, so.”
I didn’t catch that, the rest of it, because I was bouncing up, and down. So, I bounced over to the side, and caught the net to open it up, and jump down.
“So, you lived here a long time, right?”
“10 years,” and a couple months, “You want me to show you around?”
I had to look up from the gate, but he hung his arms over it, with it sticking up under his armpits, and looked over. Flipped up the latch, and stepping back to swing it open.
“Well, I don’t have any friends to play with.”
“Me neither, they’re all busy I guess, but I can introduce you to them later, if you like.”
“Well, my parents are off at work, so we’ll have the house to ourselves.” He patted my back, and squeezed my shoulder. Felt down to rub my shirt over my butt, but not all the way down to my butt. Just on my back, but all over it, while he walked me across the street, and showed me his house.
“Oh, they sold it.” I looked back, but it still had the [Open House] card up over the realty sign. “I didn’t see you move in.”
He picked up the big lock box, and pushed the buttons to get the key out. “Yeah, they haven’t sent the locksmith out, to change the keys yet.” But he unlocked it, and let me in. Then, he shut the door, and locked it behind me, while I looked around.
It was the exact same furniture, and paintings on the walls. Stock photos on the table by the door, with booklets, and stuff about mortgages, and financing. “Oh, they haven’t moved the old furniture out yet.”
I told myself that, it made sense, because it hadn’t occurred to me to doubt his story. It turns out that what actually happened is his mom and dad came to look at the house, and they didn’t like it, but while he was there with them, he saw the realtor lady get the keys out, and memorized the combination.
Then, he came back to talk to me, because he saw me out in the yard, and he thought I was cute, but he didn’t tell me that right away. Instead, he said “Yeah, so I didn’t get a chance to bring any toys, but we can play whatever you want, as long as it doesn’t require any toys.”
“Well,” I could just point my finger, and cock my thumb like a hammer to play guns, but looking around the living room, at the furniture. “How about Lava, or Snakes, why did it have to be Snakes, or acid. You ever seen the old movie, Yellowbeard, with Cheech, and Chong, and Monty Python in it?”
“Cheech, and Chong, and Monty Python?” It was really an excuse to jump on the couch, because I was just bouncing, and I’m not supposed to jump on the furniture at home, but here, it wasn’t like his family’s furniture. It was just there to show off the house, and make it look lived in, so they’d just move it out when they sold it anyway. “Sounds like a real funny move.”
“Yeah, king Chong, he’s got this big golden crown, and a dungeon all full of acid, so it eats up anything that falls in, except for gold, and jewels.” I just kept bouncing, and bouncing. “So you can’t fall into it, or you’ll die.”
“Okay, well I have an idea.” He pulled out a some CDs he had in a bag, and unzipped a case to flip through them in plastic pages like Magic cards, or pictures in a family album. Then, he popped out the CD in the stereo, and put in a black, and white one. With 4 American flags on it, only I didn’t get a good look at it until later, when he got it back out to leave.
I was having too much fun jumping on the couch, and then he turned on the music. It was loud, and had this real loud hard rock guitar, going “Jung jung janna, jung jung janna…” So, I stopped, and tried to jump along with it as it went up, and down, to the music.
“YOU LIKE HEAVY METAL!” I yelled, so he turned it down. A little, but still loud enough that I could keep going.
“Hot lava come down, big monkey flow choking on a color, floating down like a rain (oh yeah)”
“Well, it’s Ministry, so. Industrial, but like Industrial Metal, yeah.”
“Watch lava cool down, big travel, every town. Roll it over with a ball and a chain!”
So then he got up, and started chasing me, from the couch to the chair, and across the coffee table, but then I stopped on the edge. With nowhere to go, he ran into me, and bumped me off to roll around on floor.
“Ahhh! Ahhh! I’m burning up in Lava!”
“HOT LAVA! LAVA!”
I didn’t even know he was going to say that, but then the new kid. The older, teenager that wanted to play with me, he said because he didn’t have anybody else to play with, and me neither at the moment, but he knew just the right time to pounce.
“I’ll save you!”
“Now you’re in the lava too!” I was really getting into it, but he didn’t play along.
Instead, he started tickling me. So, I rolled over, and covered up my sides, but he kept tickling me down my leg, and around my butt, then between my legs, and he touched my crotch, but right away switched to the inside of my thigh where I’m really ticklish, so I rolled over on my back to kick my legs in the air.
“Stop stop!” He let me go, and catch my breath, but when I looked up, he was looking down at me, and smiling.
“Huh!” He looked away, but couldn’t keep a straight face. “Sorry, if that felt a little gay.”
I looked down, and then back up before he turned back, but not before I caught a glimpse between his legs, and the boner in his crotch.
“What’s that?” I played dumb.
“Well, uh. It means homosexual, or. Um.”
Cock sucking buttfucking faggots, yeah. I mean, I’m not like that, and I don’t have any friends that talk about homos like that, because if they ever did, I wouldn’t want to hang out with them no more. I wasn’t brought up to hate anyone, but I had heard it before.
“Well, it’s just boys that love other boys, instead of girls.” He shrugged, and got up, but somewhere in there, the song changed. When he was tickling me, so I didn’t even notice.
“I never had a life, I don’t even know what life is, have you?” He stopped the disk, and started pushing buttons to skip back, but I knew right away. Just as soon as he said gay, what was really going on.
He tricked me, talked me into leaving my yard, and coming over here to touch me, and tickled me so he could touch my butt, and I couldn’t stop him.
“Huh, so you want to play gay, with me?” I didn’t know about love, but I did know something about sex.
“Really?” He looked back.
“Yes, but i’m a virgin, so. Try not to hurt me.”
He turned it down, but started it over from the beginning. More hard rock guitars, distorted vocals i could barely make out, and weird samples mixed over it, but if you want to listen. The song he picked, to set the mood is called Reload, and the album is called Filth Pig.
“Oh, no.” He came back, and helped me up. “I don’t want to hurt you. I love you.”
Just like that, he might as well have come right out and said “I’m crazy. So fucking insane that I actually believe that I’ve fallen in love with a 10 year old I just met minutes ago, and barely even talked to.”
“Huh!” He held my arms, and bent over, but. Even though the way He held me wasn’t like a Man should hold anyone. Man, woman, boy or girl, unless he didn’t want them to get away. i should have been scared, even though He said He didn’t want to hurt me. He also said he loved me, and He just wanted someone to play with.
Okay, if he’d come right out and said the truth. “You’re cute, and I think 10 year old boys are sexy.” I would have run right in, and told my mom to call the cops, but now, it just felt exciting? I never did anything like this, I never even dreamed of a teenage boy tricking me, kidnapping, and seducing me, but then I realized what that déjà vu feeling was.
“Smooch.” He looked me in the eyes, again. After kissing me, and not even trying to stick his tongue in my mouth. Like i expected him to, and a part of me even wanted Him to. So, i could fight it a little, then give in.
“Huh, that wasn’t so bad.” He let go my arm, and i felt the warm spot where His grip had been, but he felt my face, and my cheek. my mouth with His thumb, and i knew to kiss it.
Of course, nothing like this ever happened to me before, but the closest thing was playing with the boys. My age, just regular boy games without anything gay about it, but there was often rough housing, and play fighting. Wrestling especially, and it wasn’t even our bodies so close to each other that got me.
It was when they pinned me, and I tried to fight, but they got me so good that i couldn’t get out of it. That special moment, where i give up. “No, not if you’re gay.”
I’m not, gay bye the way. I’m an adult now, and it took me a lot of soul searching, because as much as I thought I knew about sex, I hadn’t even scratched the surface. For one thing, I was in 5th grade, in the late 90s, there was a little visibility, but not really enough that you were exposed to it. Any more than say Eddie Murphy, or Arsenio Hall acting gay for a laugh.
I certainly never heard about LGBTABCDEFG… Let alone BDSM. Gay, yeah. S&M was like Yellowbeard threatening to nail Madeline Kahn’s tits to the table if she didn’t give him the map, and rape? Well, rape was what Madeline Kahn’s character wanted, all the time from anyone, and Yellowbeard dragging women off to the bushes to tear off all their clothes. I know, probably not the best movie for a 10 year old to chose as a favorite.
Now that I know the words, I can think back to the first moment that i felt Dominated, Sexually. “Huh,” i didn’t know what to do, but i knew what to say. “Tell me what to do.”
“You want to suck dick?”
“Huh, yeah. Get out that big old dick so i can suck it.” He really just held the head in my mouth, and stroked it, but then i got my pants down, and stopped, before He blew it. For a while, i just wanted to please him, but then i got bored, and snapped out of it.
I don’t know if anybody can really describe what it’s like in subspace. It’s like a trance, certainly. Hypnotic, if they know how to Dominate you, but more like meditating if they don’t.
He didn’t even know that he was Dominating me. He just thought that he found a little gay boy, and I was so into it, i had to convince myself that i was gay too. Even though i knew in my heart that i wasn’t. I didn’t even get a little stiffy again, since i saw His big boner, and realized this was all a trick to lure me in here, and molest me. I just knew that He wanted a bottom, so that’s what i gave Him.
“Huh!” I got an idea, and turned around. “You want to fuck me?” Shaking my ass, and trying to run, but with my pants around my ankles, I wasn’t getting away. I didn’t want to, I just wanted him to chase me, and catch me.
“Don’t run away.”
“Uh!” i felt my red cheek, and rubbed it.
“You bad boy.”
“Yeah, i’m a bad boy, uh!” He slapped the other one, and grabbed my limp hanging bald bare privates. “No, don’t stop.”
“Stop? Or don’t stop.”
“Huh!” i grinned, and just shook my head. Let Him decide how to take it, but He said, “Not here,” and gripped my nuts to pick me up. Flip me over, and carry me down the hall, but with his pants around his shoes, he had to waddle, too. He carried me like a bride, on his wedding night with one arm under mine, and the other one holding my knees to reach out, and turn the door knob.
Then he threw me on the bed, and I bounced, but I was done with that. Bouncing on the furniture, that was just foreplay, but I kicked my shoes off, while he bent over to pull off his, and his bare feet out of his pants. Pulled his shirt off, and looking up at him, naked.
It wasn’t gay at all, for me, either. Yeah, he was tall and skinny. Maybe even what some might call good looking, if they’re older men, who’re into twinks, but I didn’t know what that was called, either.
In the mean time, the music got a chance to play through Lava again, and start over with the next track, but it sounded far away. Just down the hall, but turned down, and I couldn’t make out the lyrics, and I was looking up at him as a mirror into the future.
Yeah, a teenage child molester, isn’t a real good role model, but still, he was fully grown, a little hairy, and if not muscular, he didn’t have any fat on him that I could see, and I actually thought that I might look like that some day. “Hold me again.” He started getting on to try to cuddle me, but i pushed him off. “No, not like that, like you did before. When you kissed me.” I had to take his hand, and put it on my arm. “Squeeze it hard.” I rolled over again with my but in the air, “And hold my head down. Uh!”
i just relaxed, when his thumb tightened on the back of my neck. Tried to take a breath, but it shuddered. “HhuhHhHhuh!” He rubbed my ear, and the side of my jaw.
“You like that, huh?”
“No! UHN!” Then He gripped it hard again. “Hhn, no. Huh. Please don’t,” i was almost whispering. ‘stop.’
“Okay, I won’t.” Then, He kissed my ass. I mean, he didn’t just kiss my ass, he really went to town on it. Rubbing his nose in it, and shaking it so our cheeks slapped together, blowing farts to make me laugh, but whenever he tried to let go, it snapped me out of it. Oh yeah, and blowing farts to make me laugh too, but finally, he let go of my neck, and grabbed my arm again. This time lower, and he picked it up to hold it over my back.
He didn’t twist it, but he could’ve. So i let my knees go out from under me, and put my other wrist back. So he could hold them together, in one hand. Spit in the other, and feel down where his tongue was before.
“Uhn no. Nohhh! HuhH!” i sucked at drool, and wiped my face on the cover but i remember that, in incredible detail. It had one of those cheap thin hotel covers on it. It looks like a quilted comforter, but it’s really just polyester, with zig-zagging stitches, and this hideous floral pattern in clashing colors. Peach, and teal, you’d think that interior decorators would know better, but they still use those same hideous patterns everywhere.
It funny, what you notice, and think about, when you’re dissociating. Yeah, i was a willing victim, i dared Him, and then practically begged him to rape me. So, i don’t guess it really was rape, except for in the statutory sense, but i didn’t even feel it. After his finger first pushed inside, and stretched my buthole, I was aware of it, but it was this distant thing that happened.
Like a memory, even while it was happening, even more distant than the music. At that point, it was onto “Useless.” He didn’t even get his dick in me, he couldn’t. He got so excited fingerfucking me that he had to let go of my hands to grab his pecker, and then I grunted when my butt slammed shut, but by the time he touched the crack with his dickhead it was already too late.
“UHHHH! FUUUUUUCK!” He yelled loud. Louder than i was expecting, and it scared me enough to snap me out of subspace. Realizing that he was this close to raping me, and then what that hot wetness was, squirting out, and up my spine. On my knuckles, and fingers when I reached out to feel it. His cock slipped up, and he sat on my legs. His balls twitching in the pocket between them, and my buttocks, but he only had a couple more gushes in him, then the rest just dribbled off on my back.
“Uh, hun!” He rolled off, and grabbed me. Pulled me over, and hugged me, panting in my ear. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”
“Huh!” I just rolled my eyes, and waited for him to let me go.
“It’s okay, you got excited, so you couldn’t hold back.”
“I wanted to fuck you.”
“You did, you fucked me so good with your finger, and your dick is too big. So big it’d never fit anyway.”
“Huh!” He kissed my neck, which hurt a little. Later I found a bruise from his thumb, I had to wear turtlenecks to cover up, and showed my friends. I told them it was a hicky, and “She could suck the chrome off a bumper!”
But i never saw Him again. He never came back, after he said that he loved me, it was really just a quick bang, and blow. i didn’t realize it, until much later that all He had to do was Dominate me, and it didn’t matter who Dominated me, as long as they’re good at it.
It took me a while to find the album, though. He told me it was Ministry, and I guess that first song he played was Lava, but it was the song after that.
I called it “Our Song,” because I was young, confused, and wanted to believe that he would come back to me. It’s really called “Crumbs,” but I changed that, whenever I sang along to the lyrics:
“You’re down there shooting blanks from broken guns,
You fire all day long and still not hit a fucking one!
Don’t wanna know what some sick sniper fuck considers fun.
Probably throw a party, served melted ice cream over cum.
You probably lick more ass than anyone.
I guess you like the taste of shit on your tongue.
No matter what you order the same thing will come,
A plate of refried shit just covered in cum.
I never had a life. I don’t even know what life is.
Have you? Have you?
Have you had what you’d call a life?
I never had a life. I don’t even know what life is.
I never had a life. I don’t even know what life is.
Have you? Have you?
Every day of my life.”
Note that i, and I. im, and Him change, depending on Dominance, and submission. The narrator, in fact a lot of people in the BDSM community capitalize Dom/me, and lowercase sub. Capitalize Him, and lowercase i. Since you give up some of your Identity, your Ego for the scene, and the chance to crawl down to the id.
However, BDSM isn’t Abuse, and isn’t Rape. It isn’t always even sexual, but the storycodes are either (BDSM) or (Child Molestation/Abuse) depending on the PoV. He knew that it was abuse, child molestation, even if He told himself that His victims were gay. He had the Mens Rea, the criminal intent to commit predatory sexual abuse, no matter what excuses, and lies he told anyone.
The narrator, the anonymous i didn’t know what he was doing, but he willingly submitted anyway. For that, he discovered his sexuality, one of those few orientations that can even overshadow Gay/Straight/Bi/Asexuality.
However, because of the Intent, the child molester doesn’t get a pass. Any more than the Rapist that insists “She wanted it.” Yeah right, Rapist. If she had wanted it, then He wouldn’t have wanted her, because that specific kind of rapist (Power Assertive Malignant Narcissists, or PAMN for short) doesn’t really care about sex. They rape for their Self Image, their Ego. They don’t care what she wants, because she’s not a person. Subconsciously, she’s just a mirror, to reflect His magnificence.
His Malefeasance, I know this has nothing to do with gay teenagers, and subby bottom boys willing to please them, but it doesn’t go without saying. THIS IS A FANTASY. If it’s not both peoples’ fantasy, it’s not BDSM, it’s not even sex.
It’s just Rape.
#Abuse #BDSM #Gay