Cocks, Paper, Scissors…

This one is kinda long, because there’s a lot to cover, and no quick way to put it. So, I get all the sexual action out of the way first…

I bumped my desk with my boob, but it was an accident. Passing the papers back, I took one, and my bra strap slipped down in my sleeve. So then, I tried to slip it back on over my shoulder discreetly, but John noticed, and looked away when I saw him.

I just blushed, and looked down at my paper to hide it. I don’t know why I was so ashamed of wearing a bra, and having to get the cup back on straight, but out of the corner of my eye, I caught him looking out of the corner of his eye, and he crossed his legs.

Not like a boy, with his ankle up on his knee, to bounce his shoe nervously, like I’d seen him do a hundred times before. Like you cross your fingers, and squeezed them together, as if he was scissoring to roll his boner around in his underwear.

He just kept his eyes down, and tried not to get any attention, but I felt something. For the first time in my life, no not the little tingle between my legs, that told me my sex was waking up. I’d felt that before, and even played with myself when I got the chance.

I started getting orgasms, thinking about all the cute guys watching me, and walking by the bed to look at me getting my hands dirty between my legs. Squeezing on boob in my arm, and the other one in my hand to pinch my nipple, pull it out, and maybe give it a little twist, but looking over at John, through the corner of my eye.

“Ngh!” He put his elbows up on the desk, and gripped real tight. His eye lids wrinkled, and even a little muscle flexing in his jaw, so he must’ve gritted his teeth. “Puh, huh!” His eyes flew open, and he looked up scared. He covered his mouth, and coughed into his fist, still looking around the class. To see if anyone noticed, and of course he looked at me first, but not at the side of my blouse.

School blouse, so dress code, but I remember putting it on that morning. Buttoning it up, over my bra, and thinking about covering it up. Hiding them behind baggy cotton linen, so the boys weren’t too distracted, but then my bra strap slipped down, and though I didn’t plan it to happen.

I felt proud of myself, not ashamed any more, but I’d never seen a boy orgasm before, not really. I’d heard it, my father whacking off in the bathroom, but he didn’t hold back. He moaned, and for some reason wiped up with toilet paper. He left in the waste basket bye the toilet, instead of flushing it. I don’t know why, maybe he was afraid of somebody hearing that, which is stupid when you think about it. He went into the bathroom, so there’s no reason to think that he was doing anything but taking a dump, or a piss, but I could smell it.

His cum, his jizz, his semen filled sperm, so I flushed it for him. That’s it, that’s about the closest I got to having sex with a boy. Not my dad, and he never even looked at me lustfully, and he looked at other women, mom’s age. When she wasn’t around, but not any girls my age, or even older, until they were old enough to catch his eye, and busty enough.

Ever since I started puberty, and thinking about boys. I knew that they thought about me, they sure started looking at me, but not in school. I didn’t encourage them, and there was the whole dress code, so they don’t get distracted by the sexy, as good as that worked.

Maybe that’s why I felt ashamed of, well wearing a bra, and showing it. Even the bra strap slipping down so did he see it peeking out of the sleeve of my blouse? I just imagined boys playing with themselves, and thinking about me. Naked, or what I must look like under all these hot clothes. undressing me with their eyes like they tried to, all the time.

It’s not the clothes, it’s air conditioned in here, I was more than a little hot, and distracted. “Now, if everyone’s done with the reading.”

“Oh.” I looked at the paper, again. “Uh.”

The teacher turned to the board, and started squeaking a marker on it. Which gave me a chance to skim over the lesson, but they printed it so tiny just to cram all those words onto one page, front, and back.

I didn’t just feel hot, and that tingle in my sex. From his eyes all over me, imagining me in my underwear, if not completely naked, but he was clever about it. I guess I was a little proud of him, too. Look mama, no hands! “Ihnm!” So, boys scissor too, but if I try that, he’ll know what I’m doing, there’s no way I can tuck in a fold of my underwear, so it actually works.

It’s too late, his eyes keep looking over here, and I’m too embarrassed to lean back, and tuck them in, pretending to scratch an itch right here in class, but I really want to, and trying to scissor without it. “Huh!” I want something in there, so bad, and I know exactly what it is, my sex wants.

John, honestly. Not just any dick, but his. He probably just messed up his pants, so they’re sticky, and wet so close I can almost smell it. “Snh, uh!” I crossed my legs. “Can I go to the restroom?” I waved my paper, “I’ll take a pen, it’s fine. Uh.”

Everyone’s staring at me, and thank God Jessica nodded. “Yeah, let her go.”

“Hurry back.” He signed a hall pass slip, and tore it off, but there were whispers.

‘she really has to go.’

‘yeah she looks like she’s about to burst.’

Jesse looked over, at John real quick, and held back a giggle, but she was blushing almost as red as my face felt, so she must’ve seen it. She knew I had the hots for John now, when I never even thought about him, before he just scissored right there in class, discretely.

The whiteboard squeaked, for the marker finishing [Simile and Metaphor]

“I thought you had to go.”

“Uh, excuse me.” I ran off, but before I even got to the girl’s room, the mood wore off, and got drowned out by all the embarrassment. Especially Jesse, she’s just jealous because she’s flat as a board, and let me tell you, it goes straight down her legs, because she doesn’t have any hips, or waist either.

Okay, that’s not fair, but I have to wash up. Before I go back stinking, and stuck together, so I’m just uncomfortable. That’s the exact word for it, I know that if I go back like this, it’d just be even worse, and if I fidget, it’ll just make me terrified that someone will see it. Especially John, and Jesse, knowing exactly what’s wrong with me, but these hormones.

I must’ve gotten a double dose, or Jesse’s share too. She’s just a late bloomer, but it’s been like 2 years, and now it would be just great if it would just stop. Leave me alone so I can get on with my life, maybe meet a nice boy to go out with, and that John. He’s not a nice boy, if he did that. Right there in class, with God knows what dirty thoughts in his head, and he’s not even cute.

Also, that name, God! First it was Johnny, but now it’s just John, and that just makes it the boringest name ever. He’s dull, and uninteresting, and probably some kind of pervert, but what kind? What dirty little thoughts does he have running through his head?

At least I got a chance to leave a little slack in my underwear, and tuck in a little to clamp between my legs, and rub. Careful not to start a fire, but I wished I hadn’t skipped shaving last night. That’s another thing to add onto the list. Now I have to shave my legs, or they feel gritty, and rough.

“Huh!” Like his face. No, not John’s little boy face. He’s an even later bloomer than Jess, and he probably doesn’t even have a little hair on his empty little balls. That’s why he got away with it, without sticking uncomfortably to his undies. Boxers, or briefs?

No wonder we’re supposed to dressed modestly. So, none of the boys are distracted, because these hormones by themselves are more than distracting enough, like. Uh.

I don’t know what it’s like, I barely even know what Simile means, besides it has Like, or As in the sentence. That’s how you can tell if it’s a simile, but what’s a metaphor, then?

“Huh!” No. “Nhm!” God no, stop, stop it. Don’t moan. “Huh huh!” I have to breathe, or I’ll pass out, and fall right out of the chair, but I feel faint, and for a moment there, I imagined everyone crowding around me, and asking me if it’s okay, I almost believed it.

“Huh!” I looked up, and wiped my cheek off on my arm. “Snh?” Nobody around, I must have passed out, and dreamed the rest, but why on Earth did they just leave me here? All alone, in the empty classroom, and what a fucked up thing to dream.

“Huh!” It was all just a dream, right? “Whew!”

Wait, no. Where is everyone, anyway? Shouldn’t they be outside, or somebody out by the playground? I can hear them out there, normally. “Oh,” there they are, but why are they just standing there, looking at the window?

Looking at me. “Uh?”

“Now, write an unique example, of a simile, and a metaphor.”

“Uh,” thank god they turned back to their papers, and I picked up my pen.

[Like]… “Uh.” That’s the easy part, but it has to say somewhere on the notes, what a metaphor is. I’m going to fail this, so hard. If I can’t even write a decent simile because I was too busy daydreaming about boys scissoring, and. There’s a damp fold, between my legs.

…[a dream within a dream.] No, that’s not even close to unique, and original, but it’s hard to tell what really happened, and. That part where I was all alone, and everyone was out by the playground, looking up at me in the window. That was definitely a dream, but what about the rest of it?

John’s not even looking at me, even through the corner of his eye, and Jesse. Of course, I made all that up, because look at her. She still wears swimsuits with little skirts sewn on, like a. Well, a little girl, it’s childish. So, the last one that would notice the signs of a girl in heat, and those were way overboard.

Of course I didn’t get that hot, and dripping wet, I never even read about a full grown woman that hot, and bothered, even in the wildest fantasies online. I’ve just been hitting the porn stories a little too hard, and “Yearh!” Stating up late, trying to satisfy myself with just fingers, when I’ve never even really seen a penis.

Looking around, it’s no wonder, because even the 6 graders probably don’t have a hair on them, between them. I should be proud, that I’ve got something, and all the girls look up to me, to see what kind of body they’ll have in a couple few years, when they’re as developed as me, but being the first one that started showing, you get so much attention, it’s not really even a turnon. It’s just embarrassing, which is why they were all staring at me in my dream.

“All right, now pass your paper’s forward, and get out your history books.” Wiping away the notes on the board, to write numbers. “Page 17.”

“Uh,” I really should worry about my grade, because just writing [Like] on a paper isn’t worth turning in, but I’ve got practically all year to make up 1 zero. “Can I go use the restroom?”

“Again?”

“Oh, uh.” That part wasn’t a dream. “Yeah, can I. Talk to you, in private?”

“Huh, start the reading.” She held the door, and closed it when we got out to the hall. “I know this must be a difficult time of the month.”

“Oh!” My period, “Yeah, it’s really heavy, and the cramps are killing me.”

“You better go see the nurse then. She’ll write you a slip.”

“Thanks.” I ran off, but I didn’t want to see the nurse. I didn’t even want to be in school at all, and facing everyone, after what I did, I think. I’m not really sure, whether I did manage to scissor off in class, and it felt so real. Intense, and if I passed out, I certainly would believe it, but I needed fresh air.

“Huh!” I told myself, and then the sun hit my hair, and the door closed behind me, I just felt like I got out of jail. “Like I got out of jail.”

I need to remember that, but never mind school. Never mind English, and History, and all those kids. I don’t belong there, in with all those kids, and if I don’t get my grades up, they’ll hold me back again, but I don’t have to worry about that now.

“Great.” Around behind the cafeteria, the lunch ladies left some butts in the can, but. “No matches.” I wonder how you get a fake ID, but I just held onto one, until someone came out.

“What are you doing out here?”

“Uh, you got a light?” he dropped the trash bags, and slapped it out of my hand. “Ow!”

“You better get back to class, before I call the principal, and. What are you even doing here, looking for a light, and how old are you?”

“Would you believe 18?”

“Look, if you’re gonna skip Jr. High, then it’s not our problem, but.” he picked up the trash bags again, “You’re trespassing, so I could call the cops, and have you arrested.”

“All right, I’m going, Jesus!”

I wish, that I could just skip Jr. High, and go straight onto High School, or college. No, high school is fine, at least there they’d have teenage boys, with hair on their balls, and something in them.

Instead of these stupid dickless immature little boys that still think girls are gross, and talk to your chest, because there like this tall, and I can’t fail again.

“Huh!” All right, Brooke. You know that, well. What are they actually going to do? They can’t just kick me out of school, for failing 4th grade, but I really should be in 7th grade now, and it’s all your fault for being stupid, and I feel like such an idiot!

“Maybe I should dye my hair blonde, so everyone will know, and treat you like the ditsy bimbo you are. Guys like dumb blondes, right? You’re going crazy, Brooke. Talking to yourself in third person, and if you remember that, then why can’t I remember that kinda thing in class, when I need it, to graduate, and get out of this stupid kid’s school, God!”

No wonder they treat me like a stupid child, and the children look at me like some sort of alien from another planet, “I don’t belong here!”

“Me neither.”

“Uh, Jesse? Wh, how’d you get out here?”

“Same as you, the doors over by the cafeteria, asked to go to the bathroom, are you all right?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Try me.”

“Huh, there’s this boy.”

“Yeah, Nathan.”

“No, John.”

“John-nathan?”

“Uh?” I shook my head, “Maybe? Brown hair, like bangs all the way around, and did you understand all that stuff about similes, and metaphors?”

“Yeah I guess, but you’re not worried about English, because of some boy.”

“So, it’s Nathan now.” I guess that’s a little better than John, or Johnny.

“Yeah, maybe for another year, then there’s no telling what he’ll change it to, but I guess he’s running out of options.”

“Well, he just. Huh.”

“Looked at you, and played rolley poley between his legs, yeah.”

“You saw that?”

“He’s lucky Mrs. Afumba didn’t.”

“Yeah, she’s probably beat him black, and blue, just to slap the black off him.”

“Upt!” She did that little giggle, choked off to a scoff. “Good one!”

“Is that a metaphor?”

“Yeah, Drax.”

“Who’s Drax?”

“Never mind, but you really should report him, sex harassment is a serious crime you know, and they’ve got a zero tolerance policy when it comes to that.”

“Well, I don’t want to get him in any trouble, and I know how he feels.”

“You do?”

“Huh, yeah. Can you keep a secret?”

She scoffed again, “You have no idea.”

“Huh, I did it too. I think.”

“You think? You did what?”

“Well, you know what scissoring is.”

“I have some idea, is that what you’re doing? Oh!” She covered her mouth, “Is that why you almost fell out of your chair, and pretended to faint.”

“Uh, god!” I hoped I dreamed that part, but then again. No wonder I dreamed the rest of it, because I held my breath so long I passed out, and I didn’t even know you could do that.

“I thought you’re having a seizure, but come on.”

“Where?”

“Well, I’m supposed to go to the bathroom, and I really have to pee. So rather than just finding a bush, we can talk there, until lunch.”

“Thanks for skipping with me.”

“It’s just History, not like that’s changing any time soon.”

“Well, thanks for understanding anyway. I really need a friend, I guess.”

“What’s wrong with your friends? You’ve got lots of friends, and I see you talk to them all the time.” She waved at the lunchroom door on the way bye, and stuck her head in the girl’s room. “Hello, anybody in here?”

She waited, so I poked her shoulder. “Go on, so we can talk.”

“Go right ahead,” she went in the stall, and let the door close, but then I started trying to gather my thoughts, with all the confusing feelings, and separate the two so I could just pick some place to start. I was so caught up with thinking about my problems that I missed all the hints that she dropped.

Like her underwear, under her skirt, so they fell around her ankles. Standing up with her back to the door, which ment facing the toilet until I heard the trickle hit the porcelain, right after the clank of her putting the seat up.

“Huh!” She sighed, and then it hit the water with a deep unmistakable sound of piss, falling from, well. Not that great a height, but still. Farther than it would if she had turned around, and sat down, like a normal girl.

She pulled her panties back up, and flushed the toilet, but I heard her drop the seat even over the loud gush, and she came out.

“Huh!” She looked away, but couldn’t help a self conscious grin, before she shook her head, and went over to the sinks.

“Uh, you’re. A.”

“Girl.” She nodded, “But.” She shrugged, and kept washing her hands. “Huh, I wasn’t always a girl. Legally, I have to spend a year living as a girl, before they let me change anything, besides my name.”

A girl, that just happens to pee standing up, and said something about finding a bush, and called what John. Nathan did “Rolly Poley,” and yet honestly didn’t know what scissoring was until I said it.

She shook her hands off, and pulled a paper towel off to dry her hands, and turn around. “I usually go to the faculty lavatory. For privacy, because if somebody found out there was a penis in the girl’s room, then they might think I’m just a crossdresser trying to take a peek.”

“Huh, you know what? Never mind, I feel so selfish worrying about my own stupid problems, when I can’t even imagine.”

“Well, if you don’t want to talk, would you mind listening? I don’t have any friends yet, and nobody would really understand even if I did try to tell them what I’m going through, but in case you’re wondering, that’s why I can sympathize, with you.”

“So,” I kept putting things together, “That’s why you showed up at the pool, with the swimsuit.”

She shook her head, “What else am I supposed to wear to the pool? There’s a reason why they’re called swimsuits.” She shook her head, “Oh yeah. That’s why I wore it to the pool, and all the way back home, because I can’t change in the locker rooms.” She nodded. “They don’t have one for me.”

“Yeah, but the one with the skirt, so it covers up your P.” She just said penis, “Private parts.”

“Yeah, the one with the pink roses?” She brushed the bangs out of her eyes, and looked up. “They bring out the green in my eyes.”

“You have hazel eyes.” I nodded, “I guess I never noticed, with the way you hide behind your hair, but.” I didn’t know what to say. I don’t have any idea what to say to somebody like that, and I’m just afraid that I’ll ask the wrong question. Hurt her feelings, when she’s got to feel bad enough, with something like that to hide. Wearing dresses, and skirts, about the age when boys try to look up them, and then you can probably imagine what they’d say when they found out there was a tranny in this school.

“I’m sorry. I don’t even know what to call a person like you.”

“Jesse, or Jessica.” She nodded. “I kinda hate Jesse, but everyone calls me that for short, so I guess I’m getting used to it. But in case you’re wondering, that’s how I know how you felt, when you said you don’t belong here? Well, I don’t belong anywhere, so I can sympathize.”

The bell rang for lunch, halfway through that little speech, so I remember what she said about there being a penis in the girl’s room, and said, “You hungry?” Instead of we better go, before the other girls showed up, and if it’s anything like, just about every day on lunch, there’s going to be a line.

“Yeah, I could eat. You?”

“Yeah, let’s see what they’ve got today.”

“Should be the chicken sandwich, crinkle fries.” She looked at the girls, already lining up, and talking, of course. “Huh, so what do you girls talk about in there?”

“I don’t know, stuff? Just boring stuff, like what we’re having for lunch, and that nasty dressing they pass off as Ranch.”

“It is ranch.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, it comes in a plastic jar, just like the mayo, but it’s not Hidden Valley Ranch, or anything name brand like that. It’s just generic Ranch Dressing.”

“How do you know?”

“I just saw the label out back, by the trashcans? And Herve.”

“That’s the guy. The Mexican that.”

“Well, he’s Belizian.”

“Oh you know him?”

“Not really, but I talked to him, a couple times last year.” She nodded.

“Wait, you used to go here, before.” Uhm, the sex change? Name change, I don’t know if that counts as a sex change, or just part of it, but for a while there, it was just like talking to another girl.

“Yeah,” She crossed her arms.

“Are you okay?”

“No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Okay. But you could say fine.”

“Oh,” She straightened up, “Fine? Like that?”

“Yeah,” but I put 2, and 2 together. Like the way he looked at me, I guess at the time I chalked it up to having 2 bags full of garbage. One in each hand, but when he looked at me, he got this disgusted look on his face.

Like he noticed how developed I was, so I probably should have been in Jr. high instead of looking for shorts behind the elementary school cafeteria, but that’s why he looked so gross.

I had breasts, and they disgusted him. “So, Herve’s gay, huh?”

“Huh, no. Just your garden variety flasher I guess. Huh, he didn’t try to make me suck it, or anything. You know what? I lost my appetite.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“You know,” she turned around. “Hey, you.” She snapped her fingers, and waved a lunch lady over. “Gwen?”

“Yes, can I help you?”

“Yeah, you can talk to the principal, or whatever about Herve.”

“Look, I know he’s Latino, but try not to be racist.”

“I’m not racist, it’s nothing about him being from Belize, but.” he doesn’t even have a Spanish accent? “Huh, I have this friend. A boy, and last year, in 5th grade. He asked him if he could help him out back, and then he asked him if he had a light, but I don’t smoke. My friend said, that, and it’s the truth. He still doesn’t smoke, even though he’s in middle school now, but I just thought, somebody should know that. He’s trying to pressure boys, into smoking.”

“Okay, well, I’ll have a talk with him, but without the boys’. Do you think that you could get him to write it down? Honestly, I don’t know how to handle this sort of thing, but I’ll talk to my boss, and see what she says.”

“Okay,” I took her shoulder, “We’ll just wait over there,” but the line was getting backed up, so we pushed past the kids, and went to sit down. “Oh my god, that was so brave.”

“Well, I’m just sick of not telling anyone about it.”

“Well, you can try, to tell me about it.”

“I think I’ll just write it down, but do you think I have to sign it?”

“I don’t know, honestly. She’s probably better at handling this kinda stuff then me.”

“And why don’t you say anything about the horn dogs following you around, trying to look up your skirt, and. Scissoring?”

I nodded.

“Well, if he’s doing that in class, then. Who knows what he’ll do next, and don’t give me that boys will be boys baloney.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to say that, I wasn’t even thinking that, and it’s not that simple. I don’t know whether to call the cops, or. I don’t know, I guess a part of me deep down wants them to. Try something, even though I’m scared that it’ll be violent, and they might threaten me, or hurt me, or I don’t know what they’re going to do, but the suspense is killing me.”

“Well, let me tell you.” She patted my hand, on the table. “You don’t want that. Anything like that. Huh! I guess, the suspense of what happened to me is probably driving you nuts too, but nothing happened. He just said that he had to take a piss, for an excuse to whip it out back behind the dumpsters, but he didn’t. He turned around, and showed me his.”

“Erection?” I guess.

“Of course he had an erection, and he asked me if I ever saw one that big. If I was circumcised, and whether I was hard yet, but I just said NO!”

She looked around, but nobody was really close enough yet, because everyone that wasn’t still in line was finding tables, and you just tend to find your own table, far away from anyone else, until all the seats fill up, and you take what you can get.

“Uh huh huh huh!” She cried.

“Oh,”

“Leave me alone, I said. I just, told him no, leave me alone, but why couldn’t I say that?”

“No, leave me alone?”

“Uh!’ She wiped her eyes. “Snh, yeah.” Tried to smile, “I did. Finally, but why did it take so long to remember?”

“Huh, I don’t know, but I have that same problem sometimes. I guess everyone does, but sometimes, your mind doesn’t know what to do, so it just shuts down, and you freeze up.”

They had a pamphlet, of course. “Come on, we better go to the office.” A big assembly every year, where the cops came out, and told us what we could do legally. If somebody tried anything, not just sexual, but if we witnessed a crime, or heard about it third person. “Somebody there should know what to do anyway.”

Tell an adult, you can trust. Preferably someone who can fire him, but also, there’s the problem with most people not knowing about, her condition?

“I can do this.” Her hands were really shaking, so I took them, and held onto them.

“You can do this, and I’ll be right here with you. I’m not going anywhere, and you’re right. I should probably complain about the boys.”

“Like Nathan?”

“Yeah, like Nathan. He’s really getting out of control, and for god’s sake, could they just stop blaming us for having. Bodies?”

“Yeah!”

“They should be told to keep their eyes to themselves, instead of blaming us for their distraction, and we have hormones too!”

“Yeah, get mad. Burn their house down, with the lemons!”

“Huh? Hahaha, what?”

“Oh, ha sorry.”

“Don’t be, I really needed a laugh, but what’s that from?” It sounded like a quote, but it was so out of left field, it snapped me out of it, and it felt good to laugh.

“Well, this old video game, called Portal II. You know J.K. Simmons? From Law, and Order?”

“Like the J.K. Simmons, from the end of the new Spider Man?”

“No, that’s the old ones, where he played that reporter guy, at the daily bugle?”

“Yeah, he came back, to play the same guy. Only now it’s daily Bugle.com, I think. It’s a vlog now, I think. I don’t know, it was just a minute at the end. One of those end credit scenes.”

“Well, I don’t like stupid comic book movies.”

“Oh yeah. Well, they’re really more like high school movies, with superheros. Not like Super Hero High, but like. Uh. Well? Okay, only 2 superheros, Spider Man, and Iron Man. No wait, that’s the first one.”

“Yeah, I know who the Avengers, and Spider Man are. I used to be a boy, remember? That’s all they ever wanted to talk about, who do you think would win in a fight? Spider Man, or Iron Man?”

“Why would they ever even fight? They’re friends, and Tony’s practically like his father since he’s an orphan, and even his uncle Ben died.”

“I know!”

“Oh,” and that’s how I did it. I didn’t usually think about it before, but this time, I just changed the subject. Wandered away from the office to put it off again, because I wasn’t ready to talk about it with adults yet. “In answer to your question, this is exactly what we talk about.”

“Girls, in the girls’ room?”

“Yeah movies, and stuff?” I nodded, and headed for the outside doors again.

“Yeah, but you don’t talk about them the same way boys do.”

“Let’s go out.”

“You mean skip?”

“Yeah, my whole day’s already ruined, and this is more important. You need a friend to talk to, and I’d rather get to know you better…”

Nobody said on a date, but. She’s not like a girl, yet. She’s like a boy, just starting to learn how to act like a girl, what to say, and how. Finally, something I was an expert on, so I could teach her, instead of feeling stupid for failing, when honestly, they got the whole problem wrong.

I’m not a distraction for boys, I’m going through puberty, which is bad enough without being sexually harassed, and that made it impossible to concentrate on my school work. So, the real problem is that the boys were distracting me, and I have to worry about how to sit. How to dress, and how to act, so they don’t get the wrong idea, and.

Do whatever, it depends on the boy I guess. It doesn’t really matter if they play rolley poley in their pants, or whip it out, and run when they see the look on your face. Grab you, and snap your bra strap, or stick their hands in your panties. Rape you, or just follow you around, and stare at you, when they think you’re not looking.

Quite honestly, it’s terrifying, a nightmare I never woke up from, and that’s not a metaphor at all. I’m serious, that was the reality I lived with for 3 years. My punishment for precocious puberty. My sentence, what are you in for? Failing English, and trying to hide my bra strap.

Living in fear, the nightmare didn’t end when I lay down, closed my eyes, and pulled the covers over me at night. Any more than when I woke up the next day, got up, and got dressed to go to school. It just started over, and over again, so that nightmare feeling you get when the music changes, and they won’t show the guy in the shadows, behind her?

That was me, and the man in the shadows was every boy, half the last 3 classes that were old enough to start looking at girls, and being the girl with too much body to hide.

I felt stupid, because I couldn’t see it at the pool, the first time I saw her. Actually the first time she went out, as a girl. The first time Jessica went out in a dress, that just happened to also be a swimsuit.

The only reason why I even noticed her body was because it still looked like a boy’s. No shoulders, no hips, just a flat chest dropping straight down from her ribs to her legs, only broken up by the ruffle of fabric with the pink roses that brought out the green in her hazel eyes.

She wasn’t like a boy at all, and that was the best part. Well, the second best parts. I have to admit that the extra parts, that stuck out, what little was left of Jamey. I even remember him, Jamey, as that quiet kid that never seemed to talk to anyone. He was just there, eating alone, reading alone, and “You think he’s cute?”

At some point, one of the girls asked that about everyone. Every boy had to pass that “You think he’s cute” test, so I tried that with her. After we got to the burger place, for real chicken sandwiches, with real side salads, and real Ranch.

just to get her used to talking to girls as another girl. “You think he’s cute?”

“No,” she didn’t even look. “I don’t like boys.”

“Oh,” good. “Well, what about girls?”

She looked down, and did that little scoff where she laughs, and then holds it back. Biting back a smile, and looking down at her chest. She shook her head. “I don’t know, I’m still trying to figure out the whole being a girl thing, but yeah.” She smiled, and looked up, bravely, and took a deep breath.

“I like you.”

;

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